


When the Darkness Comes

by Chandler_Bing



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: And she's pretty funny, Artist Clarke, Beards, Catholic Lexa, Clexa Is Too Cute, F/F, Intense Clexa Chemistry, Lexa has a sense of humor, Minor Character Death, Octaven is also cute, Smut, There are a couple dirty chapters now, They're Obviously Soulmates
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-30
Updated: 2017-12-12
Packaged: 2018-04-12 00:24:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 23
Words: 69,896
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4458248
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chandler_Bing/pseuds/Chandler_Bing
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clexa AU.  </p><p>Clarke; free-spirited daughter of a humble doctor and engineer gets paired up with Alexandra; robotic daughter of an uptight Catholic housewife and CEO for a chemistry project.</p><p>Or</p><p>In which Lexa's mother is super strict and Clarke helps her discover who she really is.<br/>With a side of a couple other relationships but the focus is primarily Clexa.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue: How Soon is Now

**Author's Note:**

> "I am the son and the heir of nothing in particular...I am human and I need to be loved just like everybody else does." - The Smiths
> 
> Following chapters will be MUCH much longer. This is just an introduction.

“Alexandra who is this girl you say is coming over?”

“Her name is Clarke, Mother.  We were partnered up for a chemistry project.”

“Clarke?  That’s an unusual name for a girl don’t you think?  What do her parents do for a living?”

“Her mother is a doctor and her father is an engineer.”

“That’s respectable.  Is she catholic?”

“I’m not sure.”

“Alexandra you should ask these things of people before you invite them into our home. Right Joseph?”

“Yes, dear.” Alexandra’s father replied, not once looking up from his newspaper or showing any kind of interest in the conversation.

“I’m sorry, mother.  I’ll remember next time.”

But Alexandra wasn’t sorry at all. She knew her mother would have been more upset if she made plans to study at someone else’s house. Elizabeth Woods would rather her daughter be in the safety of her own home with a person not affiliated with their religion than have her daughter in the home of an unfamiliar family. And her father would always just agree with Elizabeth.  It’s probably easier for him to survive if he just stays quiet.  Something he undoubtedly learned after 25 years of marriage to the dreadful blonde woman.

The honest truth was, Alexandra knew all about one Clarke Griffin. Clarke free-spirited athletic artistic beautiful Griffin. Clarke wasn’t Catholic in any sense of the word.  She was one of many students that attended a private catholic high school simply because it provided a better education than most other public schools in the Los Angeles area. She’s popular AND smart AND beautiful AND nice to absolutely everyone she comes into contact with. Her two best friends, Raven and Octavia, are much of the same.  Athletic geniuses open to any kind of friendship with anyone.  The trio had been seen many times hanging around the resident computer nerd, Monty Green as well as the resident general geek, Jasper Jordan. Octavia even had a thing with Jasper once upon a time.

Clarke treats everyone like a human being. Something Alexandra would love to experience, but fear of her mother forces her to keep herself closed off from the rest of the world.  Well, all but her boyfriend, Nate and best friend, Anya.  Two people her parents approve of thankfully.

“When is Clarke due to arrive?” Elizabeth asked.

“Around 5 tomorrow evening.  She has track and field practice after school and she’ll come over after she showers.”

“Track and field?  Don’t they wear those really tight spandex shorts that show...well everything?” Elizabeth asked.

“Not all the time.” Alexandra replied. Her mother could be so critical over everything all the time and it was beyond annoying after dealing with it for 17 years.  Growing up with strict parents was driving Alexandra mad and she wanted more than anything to have a chance to just relax and figure out who she was without influence of said parents.

.....................

Clarke was sitting at the island in her kitchen snacking on grapes and attempting to get some of her calculus homework done when her mom walked in.

“Hey, Sweetie.”  Abby greeted as she kissed the top of her daughter’s head.

“Hey, Mom.  Where’s dad?”

“Working.  He’ll be home for dinner.”

“Cool...Oh. Speaking of dinner. I won’t be here for it tomorrow night.”

“Why not?”

“I got partnered up with Alexandra Woods for a chemistry project. I’m going to her house after track practice to work on it.”

“Woods...isn’t that the really uptight family?” Abby replied.

“Yes.” Clarke groaned.  “I swear Alexandra is like a robot.  She speaks like we’re in pre-colonial Britain, but without the accent.  It’s like I’m Pocahontas and she’s Governor Radcliffe.  Okay maybe not that extreme.  She’s not rude or anything, it’s just difficult to hold a conversation with her.”

Abby smiled at Clarke’s mini rant.

“Try and get to know her.  Maybe she isn’t as bad as she seems.”

“Well she is on the soccer team and she has a boyfriend.  So maybe Alexandra is at least semi social.”

“That’s the spirit.  This project doesn’t have to be a nightmare, Clarke.”

“You’re right.”  Clarke surrendered. “So, does this mean you’re going to try and get to know her parents?”

“Elizabeth and Joseph?  Of goodness no.  I heard enough about them from Raven’s mother to know that it’s too late for them to be interesting at all.  I mean have you seen those two interact with other humans?  They’re like robots.”

“I don’t know, mom.  They are married to each other and they bring orange slices to the soccer games for the catholic kids so maybe living on the same planet as them doesn’t have to be a nightmare.”  Clarke poked her tongue out at her mother.

“Don’t throw my words back in my face!”

Clarke laughed out loud. “Can’t stand the heat stay out of the kitchen!”


	2. Toes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Any book i'll ever read. You'll be the line that sticks out to me. You capture my attention: carefully listening, don't wanna miss a thing. Keeping my eyes on you." - Lights

“Sorry I’m late.  Coach had us run 2 extra miles after practice.”

It was 5:13, so Clarke wasn’t too late. This was only a study date so Alexandra wasn’t freaking out about it too much.  Only she was her mother’s child and some traits she couldn’t get rid of, like being a stickler for time.  If someone says 5pm it means 5pm sharp.  The brunette doesn’t say how she really feels though, simply lets the shorter girl pass the threshold into the foyer.  Alexandra was glad Clarke decided to wear relatively loose fitting jeans and a t-shirt that didn’t show cleavage or her shoulders. Elizabeth wouldn’t be too keen on seeing too much skin.

“It’s not a problem.  I understand.” She says, leading Clarke to the large dining room table on the other side of the house.

“Nice place you’ve got.  And by nice I mean absolutely huge.”

“Oh...Yes.  Mother likes the space.”

Clarke thought it was quite odd that Alexandra simply said ‘mother’ instead of  ‘my mother’ or even ‘my mom’.  It was like she didn’t want to claim her.

“That’s cool I guess.  Are your folks home?”

“Yes.  Mother and Father will be in to greet you momentarily.”

Clarke winced once again at the formality of the girl’s tone but just nodded her head and began to pull her notebook, laptop, and textbook out of her messenger bag.  Lexa already had her things on the table.

“Ahhh.  You’re a Mac girl.” Clarke noticed. “For the record.  PC is totally better.”

“How do you figure?”

“PC’s give you so much more creative freedom. With a Mac you’re kind of stuck with what they give you.”

“It’s a good thing I don’t need anything more than to write paper’s and create power-points.  I’m perfectly happy with my ‘$2,000 Facebook machine’” Lexa sniped back. Clarke smiled internally. Thinking that maybe Alexandra had more personality than she was letting on.

“Working on our presentation is going to be interesting.”

“What do you mean?”  Alexandra inquired.

“Apple and PC don’t normally translate to each other well.  Files could get misinterpreted.  We should probably just pick one of our computers to work on.”

“Valid point.  Since you are the one with more ‘creative freedom’ maybe we should use yours. You’re an artist right? Maybe you can make Chemistry not so boring for the rest of our classmates.”

“How did you know I was an artist?”

“We’ve been going to the same schools since 1st grade, Clarke.  I pay attention.”

Suddenly a cold looking hand donning pointy acrylic nails was between Clarke and Lexa’s face.

“Elizabeth Woods.  And who might you be?”

Clarke, although taken aback, rose to her feet and shook the older woman’s hand and introduced herself politely. “Clarke Griffin. Nice to meet you Mrs. Woods.”

Lexa was standing now too and she was terrified that her mother would scare Clarke away.  Like she had most of the other people she brought home.

“Yes, it is.  So tell me how did you come to be paired with my daughter? Do you need her to pass the class?”

“Mother!” The brunette exclaimed.  “Please do not be rude to our guests.”

“No no. It’s quite alright.” Clarke replied. Mrs. Woods was a piece of work, and she half expected it based on what her mother has told her. Nonetheless she knew how to handle herself in any situation.

“Actually Mrs. Woods we were paired by our instructor. And no I don’t need Alexandra to pass the class, I’m currently holding an A.”

“Alright, fair enough.  So tell me, what do you want to do after high school? What are your life plans?”

“After high school I want to go to college and declare pre-med.  I haven’t decided if my main focus is going to be physiology or kinesiology yet. I’ll minor in art-history just to have a way to relax my brain.  After that I’m definitely going to med school, follow in my mom’s footsteps. By the time I’m 30 I’d like to be married and have a nice home to start a family.  By the time I’m 50 I’ll have my own medical practice and enough financial stability to be able to travel the world and provide medical attention for the less fortunate.”

Lexa’s jaw nearly dropped to the floor. She couldn’t think of a more perfect response if she tried.  Elizabeth was speechless as well.  But it only lasted a split second before her she asked the question she really wanted to lead off with?

“Oh that sounds just wonderful. So what’s your background? Are you...Jewish? Catholic?...”

“Neither.”  Clarke responded almost too quickly.

“So you’re an atheist?”

“No no. Of course not.  I grew up Christian.”

Elizabeth seemed to relax at that answer. She’d prefer Catholic but Christian was a close second.

“Oh good.  It’s so nice to see young people active in the church.  It’s rare these days.”

“It really is, Mrs. Woods.”

“Ok.  I’ll leave you girls to it.  Oh, Alexandra. Remember Marisol is coming so maybe you should study in your room?”

“Uh.  Yes, Mother.”  Alexandra replied. Elizabeth  walked in one direction and after picking up their things the two teens made their way up a flight of stairs and down a hallway into Lexa’s room. 

“Marisol?”

“Our maid.  My mom is having some kind of event tomorrow afternoon and she’s preparing for it.”

Once the bedroom door was closed behind them the brunette let out a breath she wasn’t aware she’d been holding for so long.

“I’m so sorry.  I know my mother can be a lot she’s just...over protective.”

“No need to worry.  I get it.  And I may have exaggerated when I was describing my life plans.  I only told her what I knew she wanted to hear.”

Alexandra laughed. “Looks like you’ll fit in well around here.  Most people don’t know how to hold their own against Elizabeth.”

“Oh, Alexandra.  You underestimate me.”

“I guess I did.”  The brunette smiled before adding “You can...call me Lexa. If you want.”

“Lexa?  I like that.  It fits you.”

Lexa beamed internally.  She’d always wanted to be called that.  Alexandra was a beautiful name but the way her mother said it was so stiff and anyone else using her full name just reminded her of that.  Anya sometimes went with Alex and Nate usually used Ali. Neither names Lexa liked one bit but for some reason was afraid to tell anyone how she wanted to be addressed until now.

“You play the piano?”  The blonde gestured to the electric grand piano sitting in front of the window.

“Yes.” Was Lexa’s simple response.

“Looks like the soccer star does have an artistic side. I bet your boyfriend loves it when you play for him.”

“Seems I’m not the only one that has been paying attention.”

“We _have_ been going to the same schools since 1st grade.”

“Touché.  Let’s get some work done.  It’s already 5:30.”

“Okay but will you play something for me when we’re done?”

“Hmm.  Maybe. If you prove yourself worthy.”

“And how do I do that?”

“By making yourself useful on this project.”

“Yes, your majesty”  Clarke giggled and made herself comfortable on the foot of Lexa’s bed, opening up her computer.  The brunette maneuvered her desk chair to sit in front of Clarke with her computer open as well.  Both teens were able to cover a lot of ground relatively quickly, so at 7:30 as promised Lexa sat down in front of her keyboard and opened the window.  It was nearly summer so it was still warm and bright outside.

The brunette closed her eyes and let her fingers barely ghost over the plastic keys once before playing a single cord and flowing into a melody that Clarke could only describe as magic in her ears.  Lexa never looked at her hands: her eyes remained sealed, scrunched in concentration, and her body swayed from left to right with the melody, the brunettes head was tilted back ever so slightly and her lips were parted. Clarke would be lying if she said she didn’t feel something intense in her chest right now: she stared mesmerized at every move the taller girl made and it was over far too soon.

“Wow.”

“...wow good? or wow bad?”

“Wow.  Lexa...You are absolutely amazing.  I’ve never seen anyone so passionate about anything: the way you lose yourself in the music is just beautiful.  What piece was that?”

“Um thanks.  It was actually one I wrote with a little bit of improv towards the end. I haven’t finished it yet.”

“So you’re telling me that you wrote that and memorized it? Because there is no sheet music in front of you. And then you just made some stuff up on the end?  And it was all perfect?”

“It wasn’t perfect, Clarke.  I had a lot of timing issues and I need to go through and change a few notes to make it sound smoother.”

“That’s nonsense.  It was incredible.  People must tell you that all the time.”

“No actually.  You’re the first person I’ve ever played for.”

“Seriously?  First ever?”

“Well you’re the first that counts. My music teacher has heard me. My parents have heard but my mother just  says ‘Oh Joseph, do you remember when she couldn’t hold a tune if it was set in her palms?’ so I suppose that’s her way of telling me that I’m not terrible.”

“You’ve never played for friends? or your boyfriend?”

“All of my friends play some sort of classical instrument.  Our parents made us all take lessons and none of them like it.  This is the one thing my mother forced me into doing that I appreciate. So my acquaintances don’t care because they think is loathe the piano as much as they loathe their respective instruments.  As for Nate...well he’s never asked.  Mother showed him a video of me at a recital when I was 13 and that was enough to satisfy him.”

“Well if I had a beautiful girlfriend that could play anything as well as you I’d want to hear it all the time.”

Clarke free-spirited athletic artistic beautiful Griffin is pansexual and everyone including Alexandra Woods was well aware of that fact: but Lexa on the other hand has never had a chance to sort out what she actually likes vs. what’s been forced on her.  Clarke free-spirited athletic artistic beautiful Griffin had just made Alexandra Woods blush.  Complimenting her talent as a pianist was an ultimate sign of respect in the brunette’s eyes...and the beautiful part wasn’t so bad either.  Lexa wanted to tell Clarke she was beautiful too and that she loved playing for her and she’d love to do it again. But she wasn’t raised to throw caution to the wind.  So she replied with as formal of an answer as possible.

“Thank you, Clarke.  I appreciate your feedback.”

“Sure.” The blonde was a little confused at the change of tone.  They had gone from having somewhat of a laid back conversation to dinner at a royal ball in 2 seconds flat. “Um, well it’s gonna be dark soon.  I better get home so my parents don’t worry about me driving at night.”

“Of course.  I’ll walk you out.”

...

After school on Tuesday, Clarke and Octavia went to a discount record store to browse the collection.  The girls knew when the new deliveries came in and always went in to get all the good stuff before it was swiped by anyone else.

“So how was it studying with captain hard-ass?”

“Actually, O she wasn’t bad at all. In fact I had a really good time.”

“You’re joking, right?”

“No, I’m not.  She’s funny, crazy smart, a hard worker, and the way she looks at me is so intense.  I found out she plays piano, and sweet baby Jesus she is absolutely amazing.  I’ve never seen anyone so passionate about anything.”

Octavia raised both of her eyebrows and forced herself to lift her jaw off the floor. 

“You are totally into her aren’t you?”

“No! It’s not like that at all. I just didn’t know Lexa was so...talented. At everything.”

“Lexa?”

“Yeah, that’s what she asked me to call her. I think it’s cute.”

“Oh my God.  You’re really smitten.”

“I am not!”

“Really?  Okay give me reasons you wouldn’t date her.”

“Uh...” Clarke was momentarily at a loss for words because based on Lexa’s personality alone, there wasn’t any reason at all. But there was one thing. “She has a boyfriend.”

“Besides that, Clarke.”

“....Ok fine.  Maybe I like her a little but I have to keep my feelings to myself.”

“I totally knew it!” Octavia cheered. “So when are you going to see her again?”

“Wednesday and Friday after practice, once next Monday, and we present on Tuesday.  At the rate we’re working we’ll be done with the project by Friday.”

“And after you do your presentation?”

“After I do my presentation...what?”

“Are you going to see her after that?”

........

 

“So how was princess popular?”

“Anya, don’t call her that." Lexa replied as she shifted on her friend’s couch.

“Why not?  It describes her perfectly.”

“Because she has a name.”

“Fine.  How was Clarke?”

“Thank you.  She was good.  We got a lot of work done. She’s the most helpful partner I’ve ever had.”

“Wow.  So blondie isn’t dumb after all.”

“The exact opposite actually. Mother likes her.”

“SHUT UP! I thought I was the only one able to break through momma E’s stone cold heart.”

“Apparently not.  Clarke has quite a way with words.  Had Elizabeth eating out of the palm of her hand. And technically you never had to break through anything.  Our parents are friends, you’re practically my sister.”

“You know.  I’d like to think of myself as more of a mentor.  I am older than you.”

“Only by 6 months.  Don’t be so dramatic.”

“I also graduate next month and you’re still a junior. That’s not dramatic.”

“Whatever, Anya.”

“Anyway. Back to the original topic. What was blondie like?”

Lexa took a moment to try and collect the various parts of Clarke and wrap it all into a short paragraph that would make sense.

“Clarke is...well pretty much perfect. She’s witty, easy to talk to, and she made doing homework fun.  She’s got a snarky personality, and can handle herself perfectly with Elizabeth. So that automatically catapults her to number 2 on my top 5 list of people.”

“Alright, slow down Casanova. There’s no need to bump her up so quickly.”

“You’re number 1, Anya. Relax”

“Oh good.  I was a little worried.  I figured Nate would be at the top of your list.”

“He’s 4...maybe.”

“I still don’t understand why you’re with him. Obviously you guys aren’t into each other.  Why not put an end to it now?”

“Because we’ve been together for almost 4 years and it’s easy.”

“You really want easy?  What about excitement? Passion? Lust? Love?...have you even said the L word to each other?”

“What does that have to do with anything?”

“I take that as a no.  If you don’t love each other after 4 years then what’s the point?”

“I’m perfectly content with my love life.”

“That may be.  But you aren’t supposed to be content.  You’re supposed to be heels over head, stupid in love.”

“It’ll come in time.”

“No it won’t.  Nate is a nice guy but I don’t think he’s for you.  And I think you know that too.”

“Speaking of.  Nate is meeting me at my house for movie night so I’m going to head out now.”

Anya rolled her eyes at the way Alex-Lexa...the way Lexa blatantly ignored her.  The brunette was in denial and she desperately hoped she would figure it out soon.

“Alright fine. We can talk about this later. Go be miserable.”

“I’m only miserable with you.” Lexa said as she collected her things. “Oh and don’t make any plans for next weekend. Clarke invited me to a party and said I could bring a friend.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any 'Lights' fans out there? Just curious.
> 
> Also I have a tumblr now if you want to follow me there (I find it easier to communicate on there). There's virtually nothing on it yet. I'm still in the process of setting it up. it's chanandlerbong-world


	3. Space Enough To Grow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Look into the emptiness and step into the cold. Right between your body and your soul. Deep inside of all of us there's something left to hold. Even when we give up all hope. There's Space Enough To Grow." - Of Mice & Men

Clarke arrived at Lexa’s house at 4:58pm.  After working with Lexa for a week she knew better than to be late. The blonde was about to ring the doorbell when the door sung open to a very irritated looking tall brunette.

“Can we get out of here?” she asked.

“Uh. Sure yeah sure.  Where do you want to go?”

“I don’t care.” Lexa said as she slammed the door behind her and walked towards the street.  “I just can’t be here right now.”

“Did you still want to practice our presentation?”

“We probably should since it’s tomorrow.”

“Alright. I know just the place. I’ll drive.”  Clarke gestured to a fairly large dirty black car. Lexa was a little reluctant based on the outer appearance but was relieved to find the inside clean.

“It isn’t much but it’s my baby.  1999 Land Rover.  Bought it myself.” The blonde started as she pulled into traffic. “My parents offered to buy me a nicer car but I wanted something I could take off road.  What’s the point of getting a shiny new car if it’s just going to get muddy and banged up?”

Lexa just nodded.  She heard what Clarke said but her mind was elsewhere.

“That was me trying to lighten the mood and take your mind off of whatever is bothering you.  Since that isn’t working, do you want to talk about it?”

“Mother and I had a fight.”

“About what?”

“In a nutshell Elizabeth is so controlling, anything I want to do with my life is out of the question.”

“Oh. Well she might come around, you never know.”

“I do know.  She won’t budge. Her little world is shattering.”

“Okay, so I don’t know the details of your argument.  But once you’re 18 you can do whatever you want and she can’t stop you.  Try to hold out until then?”  Clarke tried.  She honestly had no idea what to say and without specifics there wasn’t anything useful she could say.  And she wasn’t going to push Lexa if she didn’t want to talk about it.

“So where are we going?”

“It’s a surprise.”

“You aren’t taking me in the mud are you?”

“No.” the blonde laughed. “I could tell by the way you looked at the outside of my car that you don’t like dirt.”  Clarke pulled into a driveway and turned the car off. “We’re here.”

Lexa noticed they were at a house.  It was small and cute: picture perfect.  There was literally a white picket fence around it.

“Welcome to my humble abode.”

The two girls exited the vehicle and made their way to the front door. Once inside Clarke removed her shoes and asked Lexa to do the same.

“Clarke is that you?”  A woman’s voice called out.

“Yep! Change of plans.” she called back.

“Your parents wont mind you bringing me over without notice?”

“Of course not.  Come on.”

Clarke led the taller girl to the living room where her mom was watching TV. Hearing footsteps, the older woman turned to face the two teens.

“We’re going to study here instead.”

“Okay.” Abby stood up and approached Lexa. “Hi I’m Clarke’s mom.”

“It’s nice to met you Mrs. Griffin.” the brunette responded, reaching out for a handshake.

Forgoing the handshake, Abby pulled the brunette into a hug and insisted she address her first name because Mrs. Griffin was her mother in law and such a comparison would be considered an insult.

“Ok, mom.  Please don’t smother my friends.”

“Sorry.” Abby said as she finally let the girl go.

“This way.”  Clarke pointed. She stopped in the kitchen to grab some pretzels and lemonade for them both to snack on before continuing towards the back of the house.

They approached a set of stairs and Lexa was a little confused because the home only appeared to be one story.

“It’s a loft.”  Clarke clarified before going up.  At the top there was a large curtain blocking the room, Lexa assumed because it was an open space and no other source of privacy.

“I figured since you’ve played piano for me a few times I should show you my paintings.”  Clarke pulled back the curtain and ushered the taller girl in before pulling it shut behind her.

It was so simple.  A wooden floor with a few easels scattered around, paintings hung on the wall, some just propped up on the floor: and it was so colorful, alive even.  A desk was on one side of the room with pencil (maybe charcoal) drawings, and a mattress on the floor of the other side of the room with just a pillow and a blanket.  There were a few windows to allow a lot of natural light in. 

“It’s beautiful.  Is this your room?”

“Basically. I almost always end up sleeping in here, hence the mattress.  My actual room is at the bottom of the stairs.”

Lexa walked around the room examining each painting and drawing on the walls. Some were flowers, some were natural scenery, the night sky, a park, one of her parents, and one in particular that made the brunette stop in her tracks.  It was a drawing of a pair of eyes.  They were brown and troubled, sad too.  The eyebrows above them were thick and furrowed.

“I found you.” Lexa spoke the title of the piece out loud.

“My ex, Finn.  Those are the last words he said to me.  And the look on his face...I’ll never forget those eyes.”

“Finn Collins?”

Clarke nodded.

Lexa knew exactly who that was. He was a friendly guy with long hair, always preaching about human beings needing to get along and support each other. She wondered why she hadn’t seen him at school all year.  “What happened to him?”

“We were happy.  He was all about peace, love, and Zen.  And then he started acting really weird.  Frantic and anxious all the time.  I went on a month long vacation with my parents and about half way through I stopped hearing from him.  Everyone that knew him knew something was up but wouldn’t tell me what it was. I got home and his dad came over to tell me that Finn was paranoid schizophrenic: had beaten up a bunch of people for no reason.  Women, kids, old people, and guys that were obviously way bigger than him.  So he was taken to a psychiatric hospital for treatment.

Somehow he escaped and went to the track during practice. He stopped in front of me and said ‘I found you.’ That was it.  Didn’t say anything else”

“Wow. That’s.... intense.”

“It was.  But enough about him. Let’s get down to the reason I really brought you here.”

“Okay. And what reason would that be?”

“I need to borrow your face.”

“My face?”

“With your permission of course.”  Clarke went to her desk and pulled out a single drawing and handed it to Lexa. “I may or may not be doing a series on you.”

Lexa looked down at the drawing and her eyebrows rose in shock. It was her piano. Perfectly drawn with the window in front of it and little details of her room around it.

“Clarke, this is perfect.  How did you get every little detail?”

“I may have been doodling when we were supposed to be working on our project.”

The brunette glared for all of 2 seconds and broke out into one of those rare smiles.  “So what kind of series are you doing?”

“Just you in your natural habitats.... at home, school, on the soccer field, at the piano.”

“Why me?”

“Because I find you fascinating.” Clarke answered.  Yes Lexa was very fascinating to her but someone that occupied her thoughts as much as the brunette did just had to be drawn. It was one of Clarke’s principles as an artist.  Draw (or paint) beauty, things you love, things you don’t understand, things that captivate you, and things you desire.  Lexa fit into most of that criterion.

“I suppose I can permit you to borrow my face.  As long as I get to see them when you’ve finished.”

“That’s a given.”

“Good. So where do we start?”

“Just a regular portrait.  You’ll sit in front of me and I’ll copy your face on paper.”

“Am I allowed to move at all or do I have to be a statue?”

“You can move.  Use your phone, snack on pretzels, whatever.  Just don’t get too crazy with your expressions.”

Both girls shared a look then.  Both knowing full well Lexa wasn’t one to show many emotions.

"What about our presentation?"

"Are you kidding?  We could do it in our sleep."

......................

It’s Thursday evening.  Lexa and Nate are on their bi-weekly date at the movies.  This week they’re seeing ‘Minions’.  Nate is laughing throughout the entire thing and Lexa...her mind is elsewhere, as usual.  Today, like most days, she’s thinking about Clarke free-spirited athletic artistic beautiful Griffin. Clarke who parts her lips ever so slightly when she’s drawing. Clarke, who absolutely has to put food in her mouth every time she erases something.  Clarke, who pulls her bottom lip between her teeth when she’s just about finished with said drawing.  Clarke who has the nicest, sweetest parents in the world.  Parents who Lexa gets to call Jake and Abby.  She’s thinking about how said parents are ok with anyone coming into their home at any time, open door policy during daylight hours.  She’s thinking about the first time she met Raven and Octavia.  Two people she’d heard plenty about but was terrified to meet because of how highly Clarke spoke of them, it was so intimidating but they were so incredibly welcoming.  Fantastic actually. Lexa thought about how much she wanted to be a permanent fixture in their world: Clarke, Jake, Abby, Octavia, Raven, and anyone else that came with it.

Today Lexa was thinking about how much she liked Clarke. Liked her as more than a friend. And she was thinking about how she hasn’t felt this way about another girl in a long time. Lexa thought she had pushed all thoughts of the possibility of being with a woman aside, but here it was. The feeling that was sure to drive her absolutely insane.

Clarke perfect Griffin made Lexa’s heart pound ferociously in her chest and it was going to cause problems.  Because what she was about to do would surely cause an uproar in the Woods household.

The movie was over and Lexa and Nate were sitting down at dinner. Their food had just arrived and Lexa couldn’t remember the walk to the sushi place or even making her order. But here they were and it was about to happen.

“Nate. What are we doing?”

He furrowed his brow and spoke around his food. “We’re...eating sushi.”

“No.” Lexa shook her head. “I mean us.  What are we doing? As a couple.  Why are we together?”

Nate dropped his carefree look and sighed.  “We’re...I don’t know.  We’re doing what we’re supposed to.  High school sweethearts.  We’ll go to college together and get married after that.”

“Nathan. We aren’t happy.”

“Yes we are!”  The boy argued.

“No...We don’t really talk to each other, sometimes we go days. We hardly kiss, we’ve never had sex and I know we’re supposed to wait until marriage but we haven’t even tempted ourselves."

“No we haven’t tempted ourselves because we know it’s wrong.”

“You aren’t hearing me. Look.”  Lexa paused trying to get her thoughts together.  “…We’ve never said ‘I love you’ and it’s been 4 years. We do the same thing all the time. Movie and then dinner every other Thursday, ice cream on Tuesdays, Church on Sunday, Lunch on Saturday.”

“Where is all this coming from?!”  Nate nearly shouted.

“We’re comfortable, Nate.  Content. We’re teenagers. We’re supposed to be stupid head over heels in love, lust, passion.  We are supposed to have an issue with waiting for marriage to have sex. We’re supposed to miss each other when we’re apart.  But we don’t feel any of that and you know it. So I’m asking you again...what are we doing?”

There was a long awkward silence.  Nathan wasn't expecting this to happen tonight, but it wasn't exactly a shock.  “I like someone else....” he whispered.  And if Lexa wasn’t mistaken, tears were beginning to form in his eyes.

“Me too.” 

“I’m so sorry.” the boy said.

“You don’t need to apologize.”

“Yes I do.”  And finally a tear broke through and rolled down his cheek.  Nate got up and rushed out of the restaurant.

“Nate!” Lexa called out.  She pulled some bills out of her purse and threw them on the table before chasing after him. She caught up with him in the parking structure standing by a stairwell.”

“I was about to leave but I remembered I drove you here.”

“Yeah. Walking home wouldn’t have been fun.”

Nate avoided eye contact and just nodded his head.

“So…why’d you run out?”

“I uh-I was…ashamed.”

“Ashamed that you like someone else? I like someone else too you know?”

“No, it’s not that, Lex.  It’s who I like that I’m ashamed of…” Nate paused and did his best to gather the strength to finally say it out loud.

“I can trust you right?  I mean I know that after tonight we’re over but…”

“You can trust me with anything.  What’s the problem with this girl you like?”

“I…I never said I liked a girl.”

Lexa frowned and tried to figure out what- “Oh…ohhhhhh. Did not see that coming.”

“I know it’s nuts but I’ve never felt quite ‘right’ you know? I mean I’m dating one of the hottest girls in the whole school and I just couldn’t – ugh- it just...took me so long to realize that I’m…that…”

Lexa snorted and quickly covered her mouth with her hand. “I’m sorry.” She continued to laugh.

“Come on now this isn’t funny.  You said I could trust you!”

“No I just think it’s so funny.  Wait, not like that.  I mean I think it’s great that you’re into guys because one of us has to be and it sure as hell isn’t me.”  The brunette kept laughing.

“Wait…you’re?” Nate pointed. And Lexa nodded.  Both broke out into laughter.  The fact that they were both accidental beards was so ironic and amusing. So amusing, the two just had to sit in Nate’s car and talk about when they discovered themselves.

 

“So when did you know you were a lesbian?”

“Remember when we were 15 and we went to that vacation bible study camp for the entire summer?  The one that was only coed on weekends?  With the 'how to resist sex' training?”

“How could I forget?!  It was so awful.”

“Yeah. Awful food, awful counselors, but I met the girl of my dreams there.”

“Really? What was her name?”

“Echo.”

“Echo. Seriously?”

“Yeah. It was her middle name, I think her first name was Sandra or something like that.”

“Oh ok.  That’s acceptable. So how did miss Sandra Echo steal Alexandra E. Woods’ heart?”

“I’ll tell you one day.  But I want to know who you like.”

“That’s just rude.”

“Is not.  Now tell me, who is it?”

“It’s Monty Green.”

“The little computer nerd? Aww how cute.”  Lexa grinned

“Yeah yeah.  I told you mine now you tell me yours.  Who dared to wake the Sapphic beast that lie dormant for all of these decades.”

“Clarke Griffin.” The brunette rolled her eyes. “I’m not a Sapphic beast.”

“Right. And I’m not gay.”

“You know.  Speaking of. Clarke is pretty good friends with Monty…I’m pretty good friends with Clarke…You’re pretty good friends with me…”

“No! Absolutely not!”

“Why? It couldn’t hurt.”

“Yes it could.  I’m sure Monty wouldn’t want me.”

“You can’t know that.”

“But I do.”

“You don’t.”

“Yes. I. Do! Lex, I do.”

“How?”

“Because I screwed it up with him already! And he won’t want anything to do with me after I hurt him the way I did.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah...just a big mess those two.
> 
> Anyway: Loving the response i'm getting from you all in just 2 chapters! Hopefully you enjoyed the 3rd just as much. Please leave kudos and comments. I love hearing your theories on what will happen with the characters.
> 
> P.S for those of you who aren't aware, Of Mice & Men is a band. I'm not referencing the book.


	4. Girls Like Girls (Part 1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Girls like girls like boys do." - Hayley Kiyoko

Lexa got home pretty late that night. 11:30 was way past curfew but her parents hardly ever paid attention to her so it wasn’t surprising that they hadn’t even noticed.  Her talk with Nate went a lot better than expected: she’d thought he would fight more or do anything other than come out as gay to her.  They talked more tonight than they had during their entire relationship. Lexa knew she had to tell Anya about what happened and she wanted to talk to Clarke about Monty. Not to set him up with a certain attractive male that she just happened to know, but just to get more details about what went down between them.  The brunette took out her phone and started a group message.

 

_Lexa:  Hey can we meet up tomorrow night?  Preferably not at my house._

 Both girls responded right after the other.

Anya:  Are you talking to me or the mystery person in the chat?

_Clarke:  What he (or she) said_

_Lexa:  I’m talking to both of you, girls._

_Anya: Are you trying to set me up or something?_

_Lexa:  No. What makes you think that?_

_Anya:  Well you started a group chat with me and someone I don’t even know. As your best friend I know all of your other friends, and I don’t know whose number that is._

_Clarke: Ohhh. So you’re Anya. I’ve heard a lot about you ;)_

_Anya:  Ok. Why does mystery girl know who I am and why is she winking at me?_

_Clarke:  No reason._

_Clarke: ... ;)_

_Anya:  Who are you and what have you heard?  None of it is true._

_Clarke: Haha you’re right, Lex. She is funny._

_Anya: !!!!!_

_Anya: Lexa, what the hell is going on?_

_Lexa:  Relax, corn flake.  Anya, Clarke. Clarke, Anya._

_Anya: Corn flake? Are you trying to develop a sense of humor or something?  And why didn’t you start out with introductions?_

_Lexa:  Because you having a little freak out is hilarious._

_Clarke:  Yeah it was pretty funny._

_Anya:  Did you and blondie plan this?_

_Lexa: Nope.  That’s why it was so great_

_Clarke:  I have a name you know._

_Lexa:  Yeah, corn flake.  She has a name._

_Anya: Oh now you’re ganging up on me. You two should learn to respect your elders._

_Lexa:  Ok I’ll get right on that.  So can you guys meet up tomorrow or not?_

_Clarke: Yep but it can’t be too late. I’ve got a meet on Saturday morning and I need to be well rested._

_Anya: I suppose I’ll aside some time for you. When and where?_

_Lexa:  After school.  Anywhere but my house._

_Clarke:  What’s wrong with your house?  Elizabeth have her knickers in a twist?_

_Lexa:  Not yet. But she will after I talk to her at breakfast._

_Anya:  Uh oh. What did you do?_

_Lexa:  Remember that fight I had with my mother on Monday?_

_Clarke: Yeah._

_Lexa:  Well let’s just say I made a decision without consulting her and when she finds out it won’t be pretty.  That’s why I wanted to meet up with you guys. So....any ideas on a location?_

_Anya: How come I don’t know anything about this fight?! I see you every day and this just happened to slip your mind?_

_Lexa:  Oh crap. I’m sorry.  I just wanted to forget about it and forgot to tell you._

_Anya:  Mhm. We can meet at my house. You can manage to tell the girl who has a name where I live right?_

_Clarke: Oooohhh someone’s in best friend troubleeee._

Lexa laughed at the banter of a conversation she’d just had with Clarke and Anya.  She felt bad that she forgot to tell Anya about Monday’s fight with Elizabeth but Clarke showed up right after it happened and she was able to get all of her frustrations out right then and there.  The brunette responded to the text, confirming that she would give Clarke directions and then got up to take a shower and get ready for bed. It was almost half after midnight and she had to be up early for her 7:30 class.

........

**Friday Mid-Afternoon  
** **Anya’s Living room**

 

“Say it again.”

“I’m really really sorry for telling Clarke and not you.  You’re the best friend anyone could ever ask for and I am not worthy.”

“Ok.”  Anya smiled. “I’m satisfied.”

Lexa rolled her eyes and sighed relieved to not have to say that anymore.  The two best friends had carpooled today and was waiting for Clarke’s arrival. She had a light practice today that was no more than 30-45 minutes.

“So tell me what happened on Monday.”

“Alright so you know I play the Piano.” Anya nodded. “It’s something I really love so when the topic of colleges came up I kind of blurted out that I wanted to go to LMU.”

“You did not.”  Anya gasped. “You’re supposed to go to Yale like daddy and grandpa and the rest of the Woods clan did.”

“Yeah I know.  And I wasn’t really thinking.  Mom said college and my brain said LMU for the music program: my lips said the words before I could stop them.”

“I can see how that would start a fight.”

“Elizabeth was fuming.  ‘Loyola Marymount?! For music of all things? Alexandra you will not waste our money on a dead-end profession!’” the brunette mimicked her mother.

“Do you like how she said ‘our’ money? Like she’s ever worked a day in her life.  All of it is my dad’s, she just happens to have rights to half of it because they’re married.”

“Speaking of.  What did your dad have to say about all of this?”

“Nothing as usual.  He looked a little interested but elected not to get himself involved. I just can’t get a read on him. We aren’t close, but I don’t hate him. He’s never happy but also doesn’t look miserable.  The poor man is just existing in this life he built.”

“That is pretty sad but he’s choosing to stay so it’s hard to feel sorry for him.”

“That’s true too.”

“So what decision did you make that has your mother seeing red?”

As if on cue, the doorbell rang. Lexa went to open the door for Clarke and was greeted with a brief hug when the blonde stepped in.

“Hey. Did you find it ok?”

“Yep.  Your directions were perfect and I spotted your car in the driveway. Hard to miss a brand new white BMW hatch back.”

“It isn’t brand new.  It’s last year’s model.”

Clarke rolled her eyes and commented on how spoiled Lexa was.  They made their way into the living room where Anya was still sitting on the couch, but now she was flipping through a magazine trying to seem like she didn’t notice the two younger girls standing right in front of her.

“Anya, don’t be rude.  You have a house guest.”

“Why is she here again?”  She responded raising her eyebrows.

“Aww I like you too.” Clarke retorted and leaned down to hug her.

Lexa just laughed and made herself comfortable on the couch while Clarke chose to occupy the lazy boy just next to her.

“So did Elizabeth blow her top like you expected?” The blonde asked, diving right into the issue at hand. “And if you don’t mind me asking, what was the fight about? I need a little context.”

The brunette nodded and began to fill Clarke in on what she had already told Anya.  Clarke was elated about Lexa looking into going to music school because she was so good at it and she deserved this.  She deserved to immerse herself and learn more about the craft that she loved.

“I see how that could cause some tension.”

“Yes.  So after that whole spiel she tried to talk me out of it.  She talked about the generations ahead of me that went to Yale and have been successful.  And then she started talking about Nate and how he would react because apparently that’s where he wants to go too.  And then I let it slip that I might not be with him when making a choice on where I want to go to school.”

“Wait wait. Pause.  You’re actually considering the fact that you two aren’t right for each other?”  Anya asked.

“Well...yeah.  After you and I talked about it I couldn’t stop thinking that maybe you were right and do NOT hold this against me ok?  It’s hard enough to admit it, don’t rub salt in the wound.”

“I won’t.  Continue.”  But Lexa knew better.  Anya would never let this go.

“So we fought about that and it got pretty bad. I yelled at her for the first time ever.”

“So your mom is mad because you don’t want to be with your boyfriend forever?”  Clarke asked.

“Only because of who he is.  If it were any other guy she wouldn’t be ok with me dating at all.”

“Because of who he is?  What does that mean?”

“You don’t know?”  Anya and Lexa asked in unison.

“Uh...no...Should I?”

“Clarke.  Do you know who the Governor of California is?”

“Yeah that really uptight boring guy David Mil...oh. Nathan Miller, David Miller.”

“You didn’t make the connection before?”

“Miller isn’t exactly an uncommon last name and I’m not friends with Nathan so I never had any reason to think about it. Now if his last name were Obama I’d have given that more thought.”

Everyone giggled a little, even Anya to Clarke’s surprise.  She was a little worried that the older girl didn’t like her but realized that this was just how she was.  She was snarky and sarcastic and funny: that’s just her personality.

“So what did you tell Momma E this morning that made her so upset?  Did you put your foot down and tell her you were going to LMU whether she liked it or not?”

“Not exactly.”  Lexa gulped.  “Last night I broke up with Nate.”

“Aww on movie night?  Poor guy.”  Anya wined.

“So you told your mom...and she....” The blonde inquired.

“She turned red as a tomato.  I swear I could see smoke coming out of her ears. ‘Oh Alexandra how could you throw away such a great catch’”

“Did you guys fight again?”

“No.  I left for school right after I told her.  No time for the conversation to really escalate.”

“I see.  So why did you need to meet up to tell us this?”  Clarke asked.  “I mean I want to know about your life but you made it seem like you needed something.”

“Right.  I kind of do...”

“Ok...well what is it?”

“I need information.”

“Information?”

“Yeah.”  The brunette paused.  She was suddenly nervous about explaining everything.

“Well?”

“Ok so what I say in this room stays in this room. Can I trust you two?”

Both girls nodded and Lexa was satisfied with that.

“So when I told Nate we weren’t right I was expecting him to fight me on it.  And he did a little, then he told me he liked someone else and apologized to me.”

“Wow, seriously?!” Anya started. But Lexa held her hand up to stop the rant that was about to come spewing out of her best friend’s mouth.

“After apologizing he started crying and he ran off. When I caught up to him and got him talking I found out that he was ashamed because he liked a boy and not a girl. I wasn’t mad of course. We sat in his car and talked for a while then he told me he liked Monty Green.”

Clarke’s eyes shot wide open in shock, Anya’s too.

“Oh...well I see why you needed me here, Monty and I go way back.  Do you want me to set them up or something?”

“No no.  Nate said not to do that: I may have mentioned that I know you and you know Monty. But he said he already screwed things up with him.  I was wondering if you knew anything about it.”

“He’s never told me anything about Nate or ever talked about him...” The wheels in the blonde’s head started turning and a light bulb went off. “The closet guy with a girlfriend.”

“Pardon?” 

“You were the girlfriend.”

“Clarke.  You lost me.”

“Last year.  Monty was suddenly super happy for a while and then a couple months later he was really depressed.  It took forever to get it out of him but he said he met a guy he really liked but he was still so far in the closet he had a girlfriend that didn’t even know she was his beard...no offense.”

“None taken.”

“He refused to say much more about it. I guess he didn’t want to out Nathan.”

“So we still don’t know what happened.”

“It’s not that hard to guess. Monty wanted a real relationship and Nate wouldn’t leave you.”

Laughter suddenly filed the room and Lexa remembered that Anya hadn’t said anything the last few minutes.  She was just laughing now, howling into the air.

“Hey this isn’t funny” Clarke stated.

“Yes it is.”  Lexa defended.  “Can you imagine my uptight controlling super religious mother catching wind of this? She’d probably go into cardiac arrest.”

“Her entire world would crumble into little pieces.” Anya added.  The two other girls started laughing as well, albeit not nearly as hard as Anya. Lexa got her laughter out last night and Clarke was still trying to understand the humor in this whole situation.

Clarke looked at her watch and decided it was time for her to head out so she could do her pre-meet ritual. The whole process she chose to explain another day.  So Lexa walked the blonde to the door.  Clarke promised to do her best to get more out of Monty without being too obvious about knowing that there was some kind of relationship with him and Nathan. 

“You’re being a trooper through all of this and you even want to help your ex.  But areyou ok?”

“Yeah.  Like I said, I’m not mad at him.  Being in his position is hard.”

“So you don’t have a problem with him...being gay?” Clarke asked nervously.  Lexa could see right through her though.

“Well I’m friends with you so it stands to reason that I wouldn’t have a problem with Nathan, right?”

“Oh...So you know then?”

“Of course I do.  Everyone does.”

“Uh...define ‘everyone’”

“The...whole school? You know you’re popular, right?”

“I-I guess I never thought about it. It doesn’t make you uncomfortable does it?”

“What? Your social status?”

“Not that.  The other thing.”

“No, not at all!  I like being your friend and I don’t want that to change.”

Clarke released a breath and smiled. “Great! So I’ll see you tomorrow night at the party?”

“Oh.”  Lexa had honestly forgotten all about it. “I don’t know...”

“Please?”

“I’m not really a party girl, Clarke. I’d probably bore you to death.”

“Impossible.  I’ve never been bored in your company and I doubt that’ll change over night. You can bring Anya or anyone you want.”

The brunette nodded her head slowly and sighed. “I’ll think about it, ok?  Now you go rest up for tomorrow.”

Clarke squealed and pulled Lexa into a quick hug before saying goodbye and heading home.

 

After the door closed Lexa went back to where Anya was sitting and grinning like an idiot.

“What?”

“Just the odds of that happening. This is the juiciest story I’ve heard in a while.”

“Yeah well it’s about to get juicer.”

“Really?”  Anya adjusted herself as if to get ready for a large impact. “Lay it on me.”

“Ok.”  Lexa was nervous again.  She was about to come out to her best friend.  She was pretty sure it would turn out fine but there’s always the risk of it not. “So when Nate told me he liked someone else I told him I did too.”

“Alright...”

“I thought that was why he felt bad so I didn’t understand why he was still upset after I told him.  And then he said he didn’t like another girl, he liked a boy...”

“Okay...”  Anya probed.  Gesturing with her hands to make Lexa get on with the story.

“So um.  After that I told him that I thought it was great that at least one of us was into guys because it sure as hell isn’t me.”

Silence and staring.  That’s all Lexa got out of her whole speech.  She wasn’t sure if her friend didn’t understand what she was saying or if she was just trying to process it.

“Anya...I’m-uh.  I’m gay.”  Her heart was beating so hard in her chest she could feel it in her ears.

“Well I knew that already.”

“I know that it’s weird and- wait what? What do you mean you knew already?”

“Lexa.  We’ve been best friends since we were in the womb.  I know damn near everything about you.  Growing up when everyone else started liking boys you didn’t. When everyone was lusting after Carter Jenkins you weren’t.  When Carter Jenkins asked you out you said no.  When we see movies you talk about how pretty the girl is, it’s always innocent, but you never talk about the guy.  I’ve caught you staring at girls, your boyfriend was obviously a ploy to make you look straight, and I make lesbian jokes all the time: you’ve never denied my subtle accusations.”

Lexa felt herself shaking and suddenly felt the urge to cry, so she did.  She lunged forward and wrapped her arms around her friend tight.

“Hey.  It’s ok.” The older girl ran her hands up and down the brunettes back and cooed in her ear. “It’s ok.  You’re still you.  You’re still my best friend.  I don’t love you any less.  I am so so proud of you for telling me.”

“I was so scared.” Lexa sobbed. “I’ve known for so long but I tried to push it away.  I can’t. I can’t do it anymore; it’s too hard and painful.  I’m so unhappy living this way.”

“I understand.”

“I didn’t know how you would react. For a second I thought I might lose you.”

“Never.  As long as you’ll have me I’ll be here.  If you like girls or boys, if you want to be a boy or whatever. I don’t care about any of that. “

Lexa laughed a little before responding. “I think I should get a handle on the lesbian thing before we start thinking about a sex change.”

“I’m just saying whoever you want to love and whoever you want to be, I’ll be here.”  The older girl laughed.

“I’m crying on you.”

“Yeah it’s gross, I can feel it through my shirt.”

“It’s my essence.”

“That doesn’t make it sound any better.”

“I know.”

“You get a pass today.  The official Anya personal space rule book says tears are permitted on coming out day.”

Lexa had stopped crying but still held on to her friend.  Finally coming out to someone that she really cared about lifted a huge weight and she felt like if she let go she would just float away.  Anya was her anchor and right now she needed to be held down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I decided to cut this chapter in half because I felt like the moment between Anya and Lexa was too important to run it together with the next sequence of events. I've got part 2 written so i'll post in a couple days :)
> 
> As always. Kudos and comments are greatly appreciated. Anything that seems unclear feel free to ask.


	5. Girls Like Girls (Part 2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Got you fussing, got you worried, scared to let your guard down."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was going to post this yesterday but I made some changes and what was supposed to be a two parter turned into a three parter. oops :)

It’s relatively early Saturday morning and Clarke was already headed to the track.  Her meet didn’t start until 12:30 but she liked to get there before her team’s normal warm-up start time so she could psych herself up.  Once at the school she found her way to the bleachers and put her headphones in blasting her Hip-Hop music.  It was a guilty pleasure of hers: Hopsin, Jarren Benton, and Swizzz were heavily underrated and a little crazy which made for the perfect pre-sprint mood music.

Clarke was 20 minutes into her ‘runner's zone’, as she liked to call it, when she felt her phone vibrate in the pocket of her sweat pants.  It was a text from Lexa.

_Lexa: Hey, I don’t know what time your meet is but good luck!_

_Lexa: I don’t know proper track slang so I guess, run fast?_

Clarke laughed and began to type out her response.

_Clarke: Haha thanks, Lex.  I’ll do my best._

_Lexa: Let me know how it goes._

_Clarke: You could come_

_Clarke: If you wanted?_

_Lexa: Would you like me to be there?_

_Clarke: I’d love it if you were here. You could be my good luck charm ;)_

_Lexa: Good luck charm? That’s a lot of pressure, what if I don’t work?_

_Clarke: Then we keep trying until you do._

_Lexa: Is that your subtle way of saying you want me at all your meets?_

_Clarke: ...maybe. Raven always comes and she sits alone. Keep each other company?_

_Lexa: Oh, so that’s the only reason you want me to come?_

_Clarke: What. No!  Of course not_

_Clarke: I didn’t mean it like that._

_Lexa: I’m just messing with you, Clarke. I’ll be there at 12:25._

_Clarke: Don’t do that! I thought I hurt your feelings or something._

_Lexa: My feelings are in tact_

_Clarke: Hey.  I’ve got to start warming up.  Can I give Raven your number so she can text you when she gets here? She’s always late._

_Lexa: That’s fine.  Stretch well.  Don’t pull a hammy :)_

Just as Clarke put her phone away Octavia walked up and dropped her bag next to her friend’s.

“Hey.  You’re early...as per usual.”

“Just talked to Lexa.”

“Really?  Does she know you’re in love with her?”

“I’m not in love with her.”

“Sure.”

“I thought she knew I had a thing for her last night. But I have a feeling we were having two different conversations now that I think about it.”

“What happened last night?”

“I hung out with her and Anya...Her and Nathan Miller are no longer a couple.”

“Oh.  Is she ok?”

“Yeah.  More than ok.  She’s happier.”

“So what did he do to her?”

“Nothing.  They just weren’t right together.”

“Seriously?  So there’s no beef? No juicy story? No gossip?”

“You sound like Anya.  You two would get along well.”

“That doesn’t answer the question.”

Clarke wanted to tell Octavia the whole story but she couldn’t.  She was sworn to secrecy and wasn’t about to break Lexa’s trust.

“Ok so there is gossip but I can’t tell you.”

“What?!  Now you have to tell me!”

“I’m sorry, O.  I promised I would keep it to myself.  If circumstances change you’ll be the first to know, alright?”

“Ugh.  I’m being replaced by miss tall, dark, and brooding.”

“That’s not true.  You know I don’t love anyone like I love you.  You’re the sister I never had.  You and Raven.”

“Don’t bring her into this.  It ruins the mood.”

“Ok seriously?  You guys kissed once and now it’s awkward between the 3 of us because you’re obviously in love with each other and avoiding it.”

“I’m not in love with her!”

“Right.  You keep telling yourself that.”

Octavia took a deep breath to calm her nerves. “Is she...is she coming today?”

“Of course she is.  And I told her to sit with Lexa.”

“You invited lover gir-“

“Ok I need you to stop.  I know I have a thing for her, but she’s straight and you teasing me about it isn’t helping.”

“Well how do you know she’s straight?”

“Because she told me my sexuality 'wasn’t a problem'.”

“Oh...Alright, I’m sorry.” Octavia put a hand on the blonde’s shoulder. “You aren’t helping yourself either. Spending all this time with her? What is that going to accomplish?”

“Well she’s still my friend.  I don’t want that to change...Maybe I need to get involved with someone else.”

“That’s a good idea.  Take your mind off her.  And there’s the party tonight, so it’s the perfect setting to mingle and such.”

The brunette stood up and looked at Clarke before adding. “For what it’s worth.  You never invest this much into anyone unless you can detect some sort of mutual feeling.  So maybe commander hard-ass isn’t as straight as you think she is.”

…..

 

At 12:22 Lexa was trying to figure out where to sit. She looked around and saw Jake and Abby surrounded by a few other parents, so she decided to sit a few rows above them.  Her phone went off and when she pulled it out of her pocket she saw Clarke was calling.

“Clarke?”

“Lexa. You’re early.”

“I aim to please.” The brunette smiled and looked out on the track until her own eyes locked onto familiar blue ones. “Shouldn’t you be focusing or something?”

“Or something...I’ve got a couple minutes.”

“Are you ready?”

“Oh yeah.  I can feel my good luck charm working already.”

“Like I said.  I aim to please.”  Lexa’s phone started beeping, signaling another call. “Hey I have a call on the other line.”

“Alright.  You take that, and i’ll see you after.  Just don’t go anywhere ok?”

“Wouldn’t dream of it.”

The brunette looked at her phone and didn’t recognize the number but answered anyway.

“Hello?”

“Lexa?”

“...yes? Who is this?”

“It’s Raven.”

“Oh! Hi, I’m sorry my mind blanked for a minute.”

“It’s ok.  I just got here, where are you sitting?”

“Awesome.”  Lexa turned around and saw Raven standing at the top of the bleachers with the phone to her ear. “I can actually see you.  Walk over 2 sections to your right and then come down. I’m right on the outside.”

Raven walked over to the correct section and scoured the audience, Lexa was waving her arm.  “I see you!”  The girl hung up and made her way to Lexa.

“Hey.”

“Hi.  Clarke said you were always late.”

“I am not!  It’s 12:28.  I’d say I’m pretty early.”

“You are.”  The green eyed girl responded. “So do you know how track works?”

“Ehhh.  Not really.  I mean I know Clarke is a sprinter and also does the hurdles.  Octavia does a longer sprint and that baton-passing thing. I don’t know the proper name for anything, or how long they are exactly.”

“Oh ok.  Great. So do you know how long these events usually last?”

“Well this is only against one other school, so maybe an hour: hour and a half tops?”

“Oh.”

“What?  Is that too long?”

“No.  It’s shorter than expected.  Some of my soccer games last a lot longer than that.”

“I forgot you played...When is your season?”

“We should be playing right now, but 3 of our best players are injured so it cost us big time.  We didn’t get very far this year.  Next year we’re coming back stronger than ever.”

“I believe it.”

The national anthem had started and both girls were so caught up in their conversation they didn’t notice that everyone else had stood up and placed a hand over their heart.  They quickly followed suit and sat back down when it was over, continuing their conversation about sports.  Neither Clarke or Octavia had started their races yet so they didn’t feel the need to pay attention.

“I’d ask what position you play, but I don’t know anything about soccer so it wouldn’t mean much to me...unless you were goalie.   I know what that person does.”

This made Lexa laugh. “I’m not the goalie, but often get to kick the ball at that person.  Best part of the job.”

“Kicking a ball at someone as hard as you can?”

“Yes.”

“I knew I liked you.  Clarke did good.”

“She did good?”

“Yeah.  She brought home a good one.”

Lexa didn’t exactly know what that meant so she responded with  a “thank you?” and watched as Octavia started her baton racing.  She was last, the anchor, which meant she was fast.  That much Lexa could figure out on her own. There were 4 groups running. 2 from each school. Octavia’s group came in first, and the other group from their own school finished last.

“Are you coming to the party tonight? Clarke told me she invited you but you weren’t sure.”

“Um..I still don’t know.   I’m not really a party goer.”

“I get that.  But you haven’t partied with the cool kids yet.  Give us a chance before you knock it.”

“I guess you have a point.”

“So, you’ll definitely be there?”

“Yes, I will.  What’s the dress code?”

“Wear whatever you want.”

“Not exactly the answer I was looking for. What are you wearing?”

“I’m not sure yet: maybe jeans with a cute top, maybe a dress.

“Soooo...”

“So just look cute.”

“Oh God.  I have to go shopping.”  Lexa groaned

“No, you don’t.  Ok look, the jeans you’re wearing now are nice, just wear a better shirt, show a little cleavage.  Lose the ponytail, do something with your eyebrows, and do not bring that purse slash messenger bag thing.”

“I’m going to make an absolute fool of myself.”

“I promise you won’t.  Just text me a picture of what you’re wearing before you leave and I’ll tell if it’s good.”

Lexa nodded her head and slowly began dreading this party she had just confirmed her attendance to.  No doubt Raven would tell Clarke and she couldn’t disappoint her.

 ….

 

_Raven:  You look great! Now get your cute buns over here!_

_Lexa:  Are you sure?_

_Raven: Yes, you look totally hot! If I didn’t know you, I’d definitely want to smash._

_Lexa couldn’t help but blush at the text. No one had ever blatantly commented on her sexual appeal before._

_Lexa: Thanks.  You won’t leave me alone all night?  Anya backed out at the last second, and I don’t want to be an awkward wall flower._

_Raven:  Don’t worry about that.  You’ve got 3 familiar faces here._

_Lexa:  Okay. I’m on my way._

 

Lexa looked in the mirror once at her outfit: jeans, dark green button up, and a pair of toms, with her hair slightly wavy and down for once.  It would have to do. She peered out of her bedroom door. The house seemed quiet enough. It as 10pm and she was sneaking out. It was definitely a first for her. She made it to the front door without waking anyone and let out a deep breath.  When she finally made it to the car she pulled her phone out of her pocket and texted Clarke.

_Lexa:  Hey. I’m on my way._

_Clarke: Get a move on!  Can’t celebrate my win without my good luck charm!_

The brunette smiled and remembered how Clarke annihilated nearly every race she ran.  There was only 1 she didn’t win, and even then she came in second. It was amazing to watch her and compare her track and field focus to her artistic focus.  Both very different, but equally as important to the girl: that much was easy to tell.

 

It was a large house: a mansion really. Whose house is this? And how is it ok to throw a party in it? Lexa wondered as she approached the front door. She could hear loud music and chattering people, she could smell the beer and various other alcoholic beverage's wafting scent, and she could feel the nervousness bubble up inside of her. She’d never been to a party before: well not one consisting of only high school kids. 

The first noticeable thing was the smell: a mixture of the already strong alcohol and the addition of people.  It wasn’t BO exactly but it was crowded and hot, and smelled like people. Lexa looked around for anyone familiar, and saw a few people from some of her classes but no one that she knew particularly well.  She walked into the house more and spotted Monty Green and Jasper Jordan distributing a beverage of some sort out of a thermos. 

“Lexa!”  She heard and whipped her head around and saw Raven approaching from one side of the room. “I decided to go with jeans too. They make my ass look fantastic.”

“You look nice.”

“Oh I know I do.  Come on.”  the shorter girl (who was now taller due to the high heels) grabbed onto Lexa’s arm and dragged her into the kitchen.  There were less people but it was still a little closed in.

“What do you want to drink?”

“Uh…water.”

“Water?  Really?”

“Yes.  Unless you have juice.”

“Jungle juice?”

“Jungle…what?”

“Oh never mind.” She waved her off. “Water it is.”

Raven handed Lexa a red solo cup full of ice water and started to lead them back out towards the party.

“Let’s try to find Clarke.”

Lexa nodded and started to scan the room. She spotted blonde wavy hair and knew it was her.  The tight dress caught her off guard: it was royal blue with one strap.  It hugged every curve of Clarke’s body, leaving nothing to the imagination.  The tops of her breasts started slightly bouncing, and it was then that Lexa realized she was talking to someone. Flirting it seemed like by the way she was laughing at nearly everything the guy was saying.

“So how long are we going to stare at her?”

“I um.”  Lexa started. “I wasn’t staring.  I was waiting for her to finish her conversation.”

“Uhuh.  Well go rescue her.”

“Rescue?  From what?”

“The laughing, the hair twirling, and she keeps looking anywhere but directly in his eyes.  She’s miserable.”

“How can you tell?”

“Because I know her.  Now go.”  Raven pushed Lexa into Clarke’s line of sight, and the blonde looked relieved to see her. Maybe she was miserable.

Clarke pointed to the green eyed girl and said something else to the boy she was talking to.  He nodded his head and excused himself.

“I am so glad you’re here.”  Clarke said as she hugged the brunette.  She pulled them into a less noisy corner.

“Raven said you needed rescuing.”

“She was right.  That guy was driving me crazy.  Where is she anyway?”

“Oh she’s right-“ Lexa turned to where Raven was once standing. “Ok well she was right there.”

“I think I know where she is.”

“Really, where?”

“Nowhere we want to be.”

Lexa nodded her head slowly, not quite understanding what Clarke meant.  That seemed to happen a lot with the trio of friends.

“What are you drinking?”

“Just water.”

“At a party?”

“Yes…hey do you know what jungle juice is?”

“It’s alcohol that doesn’t taste like alcohol.”

“Oh…definitely don’t want any of that.”

“You don’t drink?”

“I like wine occasionally, but I have to drive back home tonight.”

“You could always crash here if you wanted.”

“Can’t.  I have church tomorrow.”

“Oh…You can’t skip it?”

“Ha!  You’ve met my mother, right?”

“Yeah…yeah. That was a stupid question.”

“It really was.”

“Do you want to go somewhere quieter? And less…populated?”

Lexa nodded her head frantically. If she were being honest, she hated this environment.  There were too many people, the music wasn’t her style at all and it was too loud, she had to yell just to be heard.  Clarke took Lexa’s hand and led her through the sea of people grabbing a hard lemonade on her way. They made it to a room with nothing but a couch in it.

“This is so much better.”  Clarke noted as they took a seat.

“Definitely.”

“Are you having a good time?”

“Well.  I went through 12 outfits and snuck out of my house for the first time ever: just to drink water out of a plastic cup and sit in an empty room with nothing but a couch with you.  Totally worth it.” Lexa smiled.

“I’m sorry.  This sucks, doesn’t it?”

“Not completely.  I’ve never seen you in anything but baggy jeans and tshirts, oh and the track clothes I suppose.”

“Do I look ok?  Raven insisted on dressing me for this and I usually don’t wear stuff like this.”

“The color of the dress really brings out your eyes and the heels make your legs look fantastic.  She did well.  What about me? I did everything she said except pluck my eyebrows.”

“Oh, God.  I’m sorry about her.   Raven is the queen of eyebrows; hers are literally perfect all the time. And I think you look great, I really love your hair.  You should wear it down more often.”  Clarke reached up to run her fingers through Lexa’s brown locks. It was thick, wavy, and had the perfect amount of bounce to it: not to mention how amazing it smelled. Kind of like flowers.

“I would.  But it’s easier to just wear it up.”

The two girls realized then how close they were sitting and the atmosphere was suddenly extremely dense, but neither made a move. Clarke finished off the rest of her drink and just started fiddling with the thin gold ring around her pinky finger and Lexa tried to think of anything to talk about.

“So that guy you were talking to? Is he a perspective boyfriend?”

“Maybe.” The blonde giggled. “It’s just so hard trying to date people.  When you first meet them you have to play games and act like you’re more open about certain things than you really are.  Sometimes I have to dumb myself down a little, you know?  Stroke their ego a little bit.”

“Clarke.”  Lexa placed her hand over the other girls to stop her fidgeting. “I know I’m not well versed in the ways of dating.  But you should never have to make yourself smaller to please someone else. You’re extremely smart for your age, this is true, but that isn’t something you should have to hide because someone else finds it threatening.”

Clarke smiled and looked into the taller girl’s eyes. “I…I know that.”

“Then why do you do it?”

“I think it’s because people look at me: blonde hair, blue eyes and automatically think that I’m slow or stupid.  They label me with that stupid bimbo stereotype!  And I have big boobs so those don’t help my case at all.”  Clarke took a deep breath. “I just.  I just have to ease people into the real me because they think they already know me.”

The brunette soaked in everything Clarke had said and it made her a little sad.  Logically it didn’t make any sense to judge someone’s character based on physical attributes, and the blonde in the short weeks they had known each other has proved great of a person she is.

“Well.  Do you want to know what I thought when I first met you?”

“I don’t know… do I?”

“I asked you first.”

“…Ok…what did you think?”

“Well you were late and I didn’t like that. But you apologized so I thought you were polite.  You tried to break the ice with making small talk about our computers, so I thought you were sweet.  You won my mom over in 5 minutes, so I thought you were brilliant. And you cut our study time for that project down by half because you already knew everything, so I thought you were exceptional.”

“And now?”

“And now I still think all the same things. But I know more about you so it’s amplified a little.”  Lexa laughed.

“Just a little?” Clarke pushed, with a laugh of her own.

“Alright maybe a lot.  I mean you can draw my face on a piece of paper and it looks like you took a picture.  That’s amazing.”

“You think so?”

“I know so.”

They were so close now Clarke could feel the breath coming from Lexa’s nose hitting the top of her own.  She glanced at the lips that were so close to hers, she only had to lean in a couple of more inches until they brushed together. Clarke didn’t know if it was the isolation of the room, their proximity, or the hard lemonade in her system (it was most definitely the alcohol) but she leaned those couple of inches. She leaned in until her top lip barely brushed against Lexa’s bottom one.  When the taller girl didn’t pull away she slowly snaked her hand up to rest on the side of the brunette’s neck. 

They were touching, their foreheads were touching, and FUCK their lips were touching but no one could make a move to actually start the kiss.  The hard lemonade, in a matter of 20 seconds, dismissed any hesitation in Clarke’s mind. The blonde shifted her body and began to press her lips harder into Lexa’s.  The action caused the taller girl to jump away.

“I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m so sorry.” Clarke started.  But Lexa was already backing towards the door.

“I. I have to go.”

“Lexa, wait.  Please.” She tried but to no avail.  The door was closed and Clarke was left alone: slightly tipsy and feeling like a complete idiot. 

“Dammit.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so originally that whole thing with Raven and Lexa didn't exist so I added that in because I realized I hadn't had any Raven in here so far (I know, how could I?) So I was thinking about a Lexa/Raven friendship since Anya will be going off to college soon and our dear clueless Lexa will need a good friend...thoughts on that?
> 
> And seriously please tell me i'm not the only one that's noticed the perfection that is Raven's eyebrows.
> 
> Lastly. I'm trying to decide how much detail i'm going to go into with all the other characters. If I were to do that, who would you guys be most interested in reading about?


	6. Girls Like Girls (Part 3)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Isn't this why we came? Tell me if you feel it too..."

Lexa was driving slowly: way slower than she normally would.  It was pretty late, so the streets were empty and all she was left with was the open road and her thoughts.

Clarke had kissed her...well almost kissed her. She had only allowed the blonde to barely touch their lips together.   And how she wished she’d just gave in and let herself have it. But Alexandra E. Woods didn’t throw caution to the wind...

“But maybe...” she thought out loud. Lexa withdrew her phone and called the person at the top of her favorites.

“Party over already?”

“Great you’re awake.  I’m coming over.”

“What?  Why would you just assume that I’m home?”

“Now isn’t the time to mess around, Anya. I need help.”

“Are you ok?”

“Yes...No.  Well...ah.  Physically I’m ok just...I’ll explain when I get there.  ETA is 6 minutes.”

“ETA?  What is this, the air force?”

“Just make me some tea and open the door in 6 minutes.”

“So bossy.”

 

In exactly 6 minutes Lexa parked her car and Anya was in her unicorn pajamas, standing with her front door open holding a steaming mug. The brunette entered the house, grabbing the cup on the way by.

“How did you make this so fast?”

“Microwaves are magical things. Water heats up in 3 minutes.”

“Thanks.” Lexa said as she made her way up the stairs and made herself comfortable in Anya’s bed.

“So what’s up?”

“Clarke kissed me.” She blurted out.

“Oh"  She nodded "...was it...good?”

“I don’t know.”

“Were you there for the kiss? or was it your doppleganger?”

“She almost kissed me.  Our lips touched but I pulled away before anything really happened.”

“I see.  Soooo did you want her to kiss you?”

“Yes.”

“Lexa” The older girl grunted.  “I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what’s going on. Stop being cryptic and spill it already.”

“I like her.  A lot.  More than I should after only knowing her for 2 weeks.”

“To be fair.  You two have been inseparable since you first met.”

“Even so...”

“Why didn’t you let her kiss you?”

“Because I was scared...I’m new to this gay thing and I’m not sure what to make of my feelings.  I mean I’ve been practically drooling over Clarke since day 1 but I never thought she’d like me back and my parents are super conservative so I wouldn’t know how to handle that.  Just everything about it is complicated.”

“Oh my god.” Anya interrupted as she promptly thumped Lexa on the forehead repeatedly.

“Ow! Stop it!”

“YOU’RE AN IDIOT.”

“Gee thanks.  I come for help and I get abused and called names.”

“Are you serious?  You’re telling me that this girl, who is obviously into you, obviously respects you, and is obviously the most open minded person in the world...your dream girl.  Your _DREAM_ girl made a move on you and you RAN-A-WAY?  YOU RAN AWAY BECAUSE THE PERSON THAT WOULD BE MOST UNDERSTANDING OF YOUR SITUATION MADE A MOVE ON YOU?  YOU RAN AWAY FROM A GIRL THAT YOUR MOTHER ACTUALLY APPROVES OF.”

“Why are yelli-”

“I’M NOT DONE.” Anya’s eyes bulged. “YOU RAN AWAY FROM THE GIRL THAT MADE YOU REALIZED YOU WERE IN A DREADFUL RELATIONSHIP. YOUR FIRST REAL CRUSH IS ACTUALLY CRUSHING _BACK?!_  AND YOU RAN-A-WAY?! HERE...TO ME....”

“Oh god.” Lexa whined. “I’m such an idiot.”

“You’re an idiot.”

“Oh no.  What do I do?”

“YOU GO FIND HER AND YOU KISS HER, YOU ABSOLUTE GNAT!"

"Did you just call me a gnat?  Where do you come up with this?"

"I'm witty and brilliant, now get out of my house.  Go get the girl."  Anya ushered Lexa down the stairs and out the door, reprimanding her the whole way.  "Call me when you aren't an idiot anymore."

 ----------------------------------- 

It was the next morning and Clarke was back home. She had just showered and was in the kitchen pouring a bowl of cereal.

“Hey, Clarkey.  How was your night?”

“Hi, daddy.  It was alright.  Didn’t go quite as expected.”  Jake put his newspaper down to give his full attention to his daughter. 

“What happened?”

“I uh.  I may have screwed up a really good friendship.”  The blonde said around a mouth full of cheerios.

“Ok...care to elaborate? Who is this friend?”

“Lexa...I took it upon myself to make a decision that I maybe should have consulted her about first.  I just kind of went off of my instinct and it didn’t end too well.”

“Alright...” He said, still confused about what was going on. “So what did Lexa say about this...decision that you made?”

“She didn’t say much of anything. She just kind of left and I haven’t been able to get a hold of her.  I called her a bunch last night, and I texted this morning.  I know she’s up because she has Church.”

“Well why don’t you go over there and apologize face to face?  Maybe she thinks you’re trying to force this decision on her...that’s not what you’re doing right?”

“No no of course not.  I would never force anything on her.  And I think that’s a good idea, I’ll head over there in a couple of hours.  she should be back by then.”

“Good.  Let me know how it goes.”

“Thanks, daddy.”  Clarke kissed Jake on the cheek, dumped her bowl in the sink, and retreated to her room.

 

Clarke didn’t make it to the Woods residence until about  3:30. She was too nervous to make herself go before that.  But now that she’d waited a while (and gotten a swift kick in the behind by her parents, and Raven, AND Octavia), she was ready to get this over with.  Clarke rang the doorbell and waited impatiently for an answer. Marisol, the housekeeper, answered and greeted her with a smile.

“Miss Clarke! I didn’t know you were coming today!”

“Hi, Marisol.  I didn’t know I was coming either.  And how many times do I have to tell you to drop the ‘Miss’, just Clarke is fine.”

The middle aged woman gave the blonde a look that said ‘yeah that’s not happening’ before stepping aside and letting her into the foyer.  “Miss Alexandra is in her room.”

Normally Clarke would have gone right up without hesitation but she didn’t want to overstep any more boundaries. “Um, Actually. Would you mind going to get her for me? Please?” 

Marisol nodded and disappeared into the almost mansion. It took almost 10 minutes, but Lexa appeared in front of her looking just as nervous and slightly uncomfortable.

“Clarke.”

“Hey, look I’m so sorry about last night. I didn’t mean to upset you or anything and I wasn’t trying to force myself on you at all.  You were saying sweet things and the way you looked at me...I just. I thought that maybe you liked me too, so I just went for it.  I swear I never would have done it if I didn’t think you were into me and maybe I should have started with asking you out instead of jumping your bones but it was in the heat of the moment.”  She rambled. “And since I’m putting all this out there I guess you should know that I like you: I mean really really like you.  That first day we studied together I felt so drawn to you and then it kept growing and maybe I was imagining things, maybe we don’t have as much chemistry as I thought. I don’t know. But I came here to apologize and to tell you that I won’t flirt or make any moves ever again. Above anything else I want us to continue to be friends, because I think you’re pretty great.”

 

Lexa hadn’t gotten one word in, let alone a single thought.  It was one thing to see through her actions that Clarke liked her, but to actually hear her say it was something else entirely.  It made the brunette’s heart flutter in a way it never has before.  She stepped in close to Clarke, but not so close it invaded too much personal space, and grabbed her hand.

“I’m not upset.”  She said, barely a whisper. “I think you’re pretty great too.”

And Clarke was confused because they were in a similar position as they were last night.  So close she could feel the taller girl’s breath clash with her own. “I’m sorry about last night. I shouldn’t have run away like that. I just...freaked out.”

“I don’t blame you.  I would have too if my friend tried to kiss me out of nowhere.”

“Clarke, I”

“What is going on?!”  A man’s voice interrupted. “Alexandra, what is this?! Is this the reason you and Nathan ended things?!  What kind of thoughts did this girl place in your mind?!”  Joseph Woods has just said more in the last 30 seconds than he had in the last 10 years and he was seething.  It was more shocking hearing so much of his voice at once than it was to hear the content of his words. “Clarke, please leave. I must have a word with my daughter.”

“What? No! You have no idea what you’re talking about!”

“Clarke, it's ok...” Lexa breathed. 

“No.” she whispered. “Do you see how angry he is? I’m not leaving you here alone with him.”

“I’m not alone.  Marisol is here and she wouldn’t let anything happen to me. Let me handle this, I promise I’ll call you later.”

The blonde hesitated, clearly not comfortable with this arrangement.  But she did as her friend said and left with a glare directed towards Joseph.

Once alone Lexa  didn’t say anything, she waited for her father to say what was on his mind.

“Alexandra.  Were you having a lesbian affair with that girl? Is that why she’s been around so much?”

“No.”

“Do not lie to me, young lady.”

“I’m not lying, father.  Clarke and I have acted as nothing but friends since the day we met.”

“Then what was that I just saw?”

“That was us making up.  We had a little misunderstanding.”

“I know what I saw...I’ve seen _THAT_ before. The look in your eyes...it’s want, lust..deep desire.  I have  SEEN it before. Tell me she had nothing to do with Nathan.”

“I can’t tell you that.  I like her more than I’ve ever liked anyone before. Nate and I weren’t right together and he agreed with me.  Father...I don’t like boys the way I’m supposed to and I didn’t want to trap him in a loveless relationship.  That isn’t fair to him or to me.  We’d both be miserable the rest of our lives.  I won’t pretend to love someone just to keep up appearances.  I don’t -“

“I have a meeting over the telephone. I’ll see you for dinner.” Joseph said, and made his way to his office.

That was weird...Lexa had no idea what to make of that. Joseph went from angry, to solemn so quickly. He had sympathy in his eyes...Surely Elizabeth would be hearing of this soon and the proverbial shit would hit the fan.  But before that happened, Lexa had some unfinished business. She grabbed her wallet and keys and sprinted out the door.

In what seemed like forever she was at Clarke’s house, the blonde’s car wasn’t anywhere to be seen but it’s possible that she put it in the garage. She knocked on the door and Abby was the one to open it.

“Hi, Mrs.Gri-”

“Abby.”

“Sorry.  Abby.” she corrected “Is Clarke here? I really need to speak with her.”

“Uh yeah she just got here about 10 minutes ago. Is everything alright?”

“I hope so.”

“Ok.  She’s in the loft.”

Lexa sprinted through the house after shouting a quick thanks in Abby’s direction and climbed the small flight of stares to the blonde’s art space.  She could hear music pouring out from behind the curtain.  Lexa took a deep breath and went right in before she had the chance to chicken out. Clarke had her back turned, sitting at her desk, and couldn’t see her entrance.  The laptop sitting on the mattress on the right side of the room was the source of the loud music so Lexa walked over to it and closed it. The silence catching her attention Clarke turned around and saw the tall brunette just standing there, looking nervous like she had earlier.

“Lexa.  Hey, you’re-” The blonde started as she rose from her seat, but stopped talking when Lexa rose her hand to stop the girl from going on a tangent again.

Green eyes bore into blue ones and suddenly everything she wanted to say was so clear and easy.  Not jumbled like it had been before.

“You.” Lexa smiled.  “You drive me crazy.  In the best way possible.  I think about you all the time, and it’s a little maddening.” the brunette started walking closer to the shorter girl. “Since I met you my life has started to change for the better.  I’ve realized that I have to live for myself and not for my mother or my father or anyone else that’s watching with judgmental eyes.  I have to live for me.” They were in that position again. Holding each other’s hand and faces close together, breathing in each other’s air.  “I ran away last night because I was terrified of my feelings: afraid of what people would think of me, not because I didn’t reciprocate yours.”

Lexa rested her forehead against Clarke’s and lifted her free hand into the blonde’s hair.

“You were afraid?”

The air was thick around them, and it was as if nothing existed but the two of them.

“Mhm.” Lexa touched the tips of their noses together.

“Are you still afraid?"

The brunette didn’t bother answer. She pulled Clarke in and smashed their lips together, like she should have at the party last night. The blonde let out a surprised shriek but quickly recuperated and placed her hands on the taller girls hips. Lexa pulled away shortly after to look at Clarke.

The tension in the air was still thick and they couldn’t help but bring their aching lips together again.  Clarke feeling a little more bold, pulled Lexa’s bottom lip between her own and lightly grazed her teeth over the plump flesh. She hadn’t expected her lips to be this kissable. The added pressure to her bottom caused Lexa’s temperature to spike and she felt...aggressive.  She pressed her body far enough into Clarke’s to force her to sit on the desk and wrap her legs around her middle.  The blonde ran her hands up Lexa’s sides to grasp either side of her face and take control of their kiss.  Despite how sloppy the kiss was getting Clarke refused to introduce her tongue (for fear of moving too fast). Instead she sucked harder on Lexa’s bottom lip pulling a deep moan from the girl.  The sound of which caused a surge of heat and electricity to travel immediately between the blonde’s legs.  So she pulled away before she lost all self-control.

“Wow.  Sorry.” Lexa spoke first. “I got carried away.”

“Don’t you dare apologize for a kiss like that.”

“I’ve wanted to do that for a while now.”

“Me too.”

“Do you think maybe...”? Lexa blushed. “Could I kiss you again?”

Clarke giggled out a “You are too adorable.” Before pulling the brunette in by the front of her shirt and kissing her roughly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry this took so long. Shoutout to AckbarOnDeck for the "You Absolute Gnat" line!
> 
> wow! over 300 kudos! And the response i'm getting is far greater than I thought it would be. I don't respond to all of your comments but I read every single one of them and they make me smile. 
> 
> I'd love to hear your thoughts on Lexa's dad. What do you think his story is?
> 
> I've also decided to cap this story off at 12 chapters (hopefully) so we're at the half way mark!


	7. Disasterology

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Can we create something beautiful...and destroy it?" - Pierce the Veil

"Mmm. I gotta go.” Lexa said as she stretched her legs.

“No. Please stay.”  The blonde wrapped her arms tighter around the taller girl. They were lying on the mattress in Clarke’s loft, enjoying the feeling of being wrapped up in each others arms.

“I really want to but my parents are expecting me to be home for Sunday dinner.  Our entire church is going to be there.”

“Your entire church?”

“Ok, not the entire church.  Just the important people.”

“That sounds more reasonable.” Clarke paused. “You know we should probably talk about...this.” she gestured to their bodies. 

“I know. And we will, but not right now. I have to go pander the commoners.” The brunette untangled herself and sat up straight.

“Hey.”  Clarke grabbed Lexa’s arm. “This isn’t...just an experiment is it?”

Lexa smiled, firmly grasped either side of Clarke’s face, and leaned down to place a lingering kiss on her lips.

“Whatever this is: is new, slightly terrifying, and so very complicated.  But you aren’t an experiment and this isn’t a phase.  I like you, Clarke.  I like you a lot.”  She bent down kiss her again. And again.  And again.  “I can let myself out. I’ll text you later ok?”

\--------------

 

When Lexa got home she checked her watch and was pleased to see that she had time to change and relax before all of the guests showed up and she had to put her ‘holier than thou’ mask on. She was a little worried about how insecure Clarke was about her feelings, but she couldn’t do anything about it right now.  Right now she had to deal with her parents, and the conversation she had with her father just over an hour ago.  Lexa walked up to her father’s study and knocked on the door.  When told she could enter, she pushed the door open to see the older man buried in paper work.

“Father...” she said

“Alexandra.  Close the door and have a seat.”  She did as she was told and waited for...she didn’t even know what.

“Why do you call me ‘Father’?” Joseph asked.

“That’s what you are.  You’re my father aren’t you?”

“Well yes. But it seems so formal.”

“I won’t start calling you ‘daddy’ if that’s what you’re looking for.”

“No.”  He smiled. “Dad will be just fine.”

“Okay...”

“About our little talk earlier. I don’t think we should tell your mother.”

“What?  Why not? I mean not that I’m complaining, but I thought you’d run and tell her the first time you got the chance.”

“Look.  I know that I’m often.... quiet.  But I don’t want you to think that I’m nothing but a checkbook and your mother’s whipping boy.”

Lexa did in fact think that of her father. She was starting to question whether or not he had his own brain.

“So you don’t think I should ever tell her? What happens when I meet someone?”

“You mean the Griffin girl.  Whatever is going on between you two needs to stay just that. Between the two of you. No need to flaunt yourself around. Los Angeles is a big city but someone that knows your mother could see you.”

“And Joseph Woods couldn’t possible have his daughter out canoodling with another woman, right?”

“Alexandra, please just think of our repu-“

“Our reputation?  You mean your reputation.  I’m your daughter: you’re supposed to love and support me no matter who I am or who I want to be.”

“You’re right.  And I do, but other people might not understand.”

“I don’t care about other people! I have been nothing but your perfect little girl my entire life and I’m so tired of it.  I’m gay, I want to play the piano for a living, and I don’t completely buy into this religion that you and mom have been cramming down my throat for 17 years.”

“You’re young, you’ll understand when you’re older. You can’t just do whatever you want.”

“Why not?  Because other people will judge me?  Fuck them!”

“Enough!” Joseph slammed both palms on his desk. “Go upstairs and get ready for dinner.  Not a peep of this to your mother...it’ll crush her.”

\-----------

 

Dinner was much like it always was. Boring people talking about boring things.  Usually Lexa could bring herself to listen to the conversation and at least seem interested, but she was still boiling from her conversation with Joseph.  Something was so off about him and she couldn’t put her finger on it.  He was concerned about his reputation and her well-being, yes.  But he didn’t seem to be too miffed about his daughter being gay. Lexa had fully expected her father to try and pray away the gay, send her to conversion camp, or make her live with their pastor.  But he hadn’t even acted like any of those things were a blip on his radar.

 

**Lexa:** I’m not an idiot anymore.

**Anya:** Are you sure?

**Lexa:** I came clean to Clarke this afternoon and we sealed the deal.

**Anya:** What?  When I told you to get the girl I didn’t mean you should sleep with her.

**Lexa:** What are you talking about?  We didn’t sleep together.

**Anya:** Ok.  You need to watch your slang usage.  ‘Seal the deal’ means you had sex.

**Lexa:** Oh...well we kissed.  That’s all.

**Anya:** Was it magical? Did you see fireworks? Did your foot pop?

**Lexa:** ‘Foot pop’????

**Anya:** Haven’t you seen the Princess Diaries?

**Lexa:** No. What’s that? Is it a movie?

**Anya:** You’re joking, right?

**Lexa:** ...no

 

Lexa thought the name sounded familiar but she had no clue what the Princess Diaries was.  Her phone pinged and she saw that Anya had started a group chat with her and Clarke.

 

**Anya:** You’ve seen the Princess Diaries haven’t you, blondie?

**Lexa:** Seriously?   Is this necessary?

**Anya:** Yes, it is.

**Clarke:** Of course!  It’s one of my favorites.  Why?

**Anya:** Your girlfriend hasn’t even heard of it.

**Clarke:** Oh?  My girlfriend, huh?  I didn’t know I was in a relationship.

**Lexa:** Ignore her.

**Clarke:** No no.  I’d like to hear more about this girlfriend of mine.

**Clarke:** And if she hasn’t seen the Princess Diaries that means I haven’t done my job.

**Anya:** Clearly.  I asked her if her foot popped, and she was clueless.

**Lexa:** Can someone explain it to me please?

**Clarke:** So you’re the kind of girl to kiss and tell. Glad to see what I’m getting myself into

 

Lexa was worried.  Clarke seemed upset, and she didn’t want to piss her off before they could even start anything.  She decided to call the blonde and clear the air...if she could.

“Hey, cutie.”  Clarke answered.  Lexa was relieved that her tone sounded playful.

“Hey.  I’m so sorry about that.  I don’t want you to think I’m telling all our business.”

“I was just teasing you.  I’m not mad.  You’re supposed to tell your best friend about this kind of stuff.”

“Oh.  Okay...”

“You don’t know how to do this do you?”

“No clue whatsoever.”

“That’s all right.  I’ll help you.”

“I’ll need it.  I feel like I’m wandering around in the dark.  Is there specific protocol for this budding relationship stuff?”

“Well, first we meet and feel that instant attraction, dance around each other for a while before one of us can’t stand it anymore and makes a move.  Got that covered. Next we go to our best friends and talk about how we feel, gross them out with kissing details.”

“Kissing details?”

“Yeah.  You know you could always do that with me.  I mean I wouldn’t mind hearing about the girl you made out with a few hours ago.”

Lexa could hear the smirk in the blonde’s voice and smiled. 

“You’re an amazing kisser, Clarke.”

“Wow.  That’s all I get?”

“I don’t know...what else am I supposed to say?”

“Well if I were you I’d talk about how soft your lips are, how good you taste and god, the noises you make when suck on your bottom lip are so sexy.”

Lexa was speechless.  All of this was new territory for her.  She’d never been this sexually explicit with anyone and she was getting riled up so easily.

“Lex?  You still there?”

“Uh, yeah.  Sorry...um...I miss you.  Is that too much too fast?”

“Not at all. I miss you too.  Can you come over Tuesday night?  My parents are working late, we could watch Netflix and chill.”

“Netflix and chill?” the brunette laughed. “You better not get me pregnant.”

“Well biologically I don’t think that’s possible, but I’ll try my best to keep it in my pants.”

“In that case, count me in.”

“Will I see you at school tomorrow?”

“I don’t know, we never see each other on Mondays.”

“Where do you usually sit for lunch?”

“I find an abandoned classroom and do some studying away from all the noise.  Anya likes to sit with all the wild hockey boys and I’m not privy to that.”

“Ahhh, no wonder I never see you. Why don’t you sit with me and the crew?”

“Did you just call your friends a crew?”

“I did.  It wasn’t cool was it?”

“Not really.”

“Yeah I thought so.  I’ll see you tomorrow?”

“Yep.  Save me a seat.”

“Goodnight, Lexa.”

“Goodnight, Clarke.”

\-----------------

 

The next few days went smoothly. On Monday Lexa sat between Clarke and Raven in the cafeteria.  Octavia, Monty, and a couple of other people she hadn’t bothered to learn the names of also sat at the table with them.  On Tuesday Lexa went to Clarke’s to “watch Netflix and chill”, but the Netflix part didn’t happen.  Clarke insisted they watch the Princess Diaries, and Lexa absolutely loved it.  Sadly she hasn’t had, to quite the movie, a “foot poppin’ kiss” but the ones that she’d shared with Clarke felt better than what Mia Thermopolis described.

 

Thursday, Lexa and Clarke did a little scheming. It could backfire, but it was better to try than let their friends suffer.  Clarke invited Monty over to her house to hang out, and Lexa invited Nathan to a ‘kickback’ that she heard about. 

“You told her?!”

“Don’t be mad.  We just want you two to be happy.”

“Lexa.  I told you not to do this!”

“Can’t you at least try to talk to him?”

“I specifically said no! I believe my exact words were ‘absolutely not’ but you did it anyway!”

They stood yelling in the middle of Clarke’s living room.  Monty was just as surprised to see Nate there, but he wasn’t upset about it.  He was actually happy to see the taller boy. He walked up between the fighting friends and offered a small smile.

“Hey.”

“Hi...I know you said you never wanted to speak to me again. I swear I didn’t know they were doing this.”

“No it’s ok.  I’m glad to see you.”

“You-You are?” 

Clarke and Lexa gave each other a knowing look and went to the loft to give the two their privacy.

“So...you and your girlfriend were beards and didn’t even know it?”

“Uh, yeah. Pretty crazy right?”

“What does this mean?”  Monty asked hopefully.

“I’m not out yet and I’m not ready. But I’m not against the idea. Lexa has been really helpful in helping me accept myself.”

“That’s good. I’m happy for you.”

“Thanks...” Nate paused. “Monty...I never apologized for the way I treated you.”

“You don’t have to.”

“Yes I do.  I was an ass.  I treated you like you were nothing but a booty call most of the time.  But we had some good times too: you know me better than anyone. And I know I never said it, but I did- I do love you.”

Monty felt...overwhelmed.  The boy he knew a year ago was hard and determined not to show any emotion. The person before him now was all he ever wanted: not for selfish reasons, but because this was the side of Nate that was covered by that closeted exterior.

“I still love you, too.  But you know I can’t...at least not like this.”

“I don’t expect you to.  I just thought you deserved to know.”

“We could...be friends?  Start slow?”

“Slow is good.  I only shaved my metaphorical beard a week ago.  I have a long way to go.”

“It’s a step in the right direction.”

 

_ (Meanwhile) _

 

“Do you think this was a good idea? Miller seemed pretty mad.”

“Well the house hasn’t burned down yet so I think it’s going to be fine.” Lexa responded.  The two teens stretched out on the mattress, Lexa’s head resting high on Clarke’s chest, much like they had a few days prior.

“What about us?”

“What do you mean?”  The question caused Lexa to furrow her brows.

“I mean we’ve been doing this, whatever this is, for almost a week now and we haven’t talked bout it.”

“Ok.  Let’s talk now.”

“Just like that?”

“Just like that.  Did you think I was avoiding it?”

“Maybe a little.  You never bring it up...”

“Neither do you...well until now. I promise I wasn’t avoiding it, it honestly just slipped my mind.”

“Oh.  I kind of was...avoiding it that is.”

“Why?”

“Well, and don’t take offense to this, you were raised by undoubtedly homophobic assholes and it’s possible that maybe you’re rebelling against them?  I don’t know, just you were with a boy for a long time...”

“The part about my parents is true. They are assholes, but now that I think about it they’ve never said anything about gay people. Then again, they are more Catholic than the Pope so who knows.”

“I just need to know where we stand...and.”

“And what?”

“And if we start a relationship I don’t want to hide it.  I’ve never been in the closet and I don’t want to be in anyone else’s.”

“Okay...well Anya knows about us, Octavia knows, Raven knows, Nathan knows, Monty knows, Jasper knows, my father knows. I don’t know about you, but I don’t think that counts as being in the closet.”

“Your dad knows?!”  The blonde abruptly sat up.

“Yeah.  I told him I was gay on Sunday right after he kicked you out. And every once in a while he’ll ask about you, us really, and I say that I’m happy.”

“Oh...Why are you so ok with this?”

“Do you not want me to be?  Do you want me to struggle with my identity and take time to figure out who I am?”

Clarke was a little stunned by the angry undertones in Lexa’s voice.

“I’ve known that I only like girls since I hit puberty, but I spent the years after that trying to suppress it. I accept who I am. You make me happy and I’m letting myself have this.  Is this hard for me? Yes.  But the way I feel being my true self overpowers the fear of being rejected by my parents and whoever else has something negative to say about me.”

“That right there is exactly what I’m worried about. That sounds like something a rebelling child would say.  It’s like you’re trying to get back at them for being so over protective.”

“Oh so now I’m a child?”

“I didn’t mean it like that.”

“I don’t understand what you want, Clarke. You wanted to know how I feel and I told you.  Why are you trying to take this away from me?”

“I’m not taking anything away from you, I just want you to think about this.  Am I what you really want or was I your first chance to pull yourself out of the bubble you’ve been living in your entire life?”

Lexa threw up her hands in defeat. “You know what, maybe I was wrong about you.  I thought you’d understand...but you’re no better than Joseph and Elizabeth.”

“That’s not fair!”

“Isn’t it?!  You’re telling me how I feel, telling me to really think about what I want. You told me I was a child trying to get back at mommy and daddy and you treated me as much!  I feel the smallest ounce of happiness for the first time in my life and you’re trying to squash it.”  Lexa hastily headed down the stairs and slipped her shoes on. She noticed Monty and Nathan sitting on the couch cuddled together: she was happy for them.

“Hey, Monty did you drive here?”

“Yeah, why?”

“Could you give Nate a ride home for me?”

“Of course.”

“Thanks.”

“Lexa, you’re leaving?  In the middle of our conversation?”  Clarke asked.  Lexa noticed it took her a while to come after her.

“I wouldn’t call it that.  But yes.”

“Don’t go.”

“Why?  So you can ask me something and then question the validity of my answer? You made it perfectly clear what you think of me.  Goodbye, Clarke.”

And she left, slamming the door behind her. Nate walked over to the blonde, towering over her.  He didn’t know what happened but he wasn’t happy with how upset his friend looked.

“What the hell did you do to her?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I honestly didn't plan on them having a fight when I first started writing this chapter. But it happened so I've extended chapter limit to 15 lol. I changed the rating to M for language and other things I have planned ;) 
> 
> I also thought of something really funny to put in this story but it's gonna have to wait a while. I'm sitting here laughing like an idiot at my own joke right now.
> 
> So who's side are you on? Lexa or Clarke? And seriously what is up with Joseph?


	8. Tip Toe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "If I could take it back, then I would take it back  
>  I can't tell you that, I'd never tell you that  
>  So I tip toe when I don't want you to know that I'm not around  
>  And I tip toe, just a little more time and I'll be gone" - This Century

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry! No Clexa in this chapter. But i'm working on the next one right now so look out for it on Wednesday.

The next day, Lexa was feeling more sad than anything. Anya told her she reverted back to being an idiot. But she didn’t think so.  Having someone invalidate your feelings wasn’t something to take lightly. It was rude and given who it was coming from it was hurtful.  It was lunchtime and Lexa had made a habit of sitting with Clarke and her friends throughout the week but today she elected to find an abandoned classroom and eat alone. The brunette had an hour to kill and wasn’t sure what she could do for all that time, there wasn’t any homework for once.  The end of the semester was drawing near: so it was the calm before the storm really.  About ten minutes into her thoughts, she heard the door swing open and an angry looking Raven stormed in.

“They are so annoying!  It’s always them against me, sometimes I wonder why I even try.”

“Uh...Hi?”

“Sorry.” Raven breathed.

“Who pissed in your cheerios?”

“Clarke and Octavia.”

“Oh.”

“I’m on your side by the way.” She sat next to Lexa and pulled a brown paper bag out of her backpack, taking out the contents of her lunch. It wasn’t much: just a sandwich and some carrots and a juice box.

“I’m glad someone is.  Even Anya thought I was being unreasonable.”

“I don’t know you very well but one thing I can count on is that you aren’t reckless.  You don’t say or do anything that you don’t mean.”

“Not true.  I dated a boy I wasn’t interested in at all for years just to cover up, as Nate calls it, the Sapphic Beast lying dormant within.”

This made Raven laugh.

“Even so.  Your relationship had a purpose and you were well aware of it. The only reason it worked so well was because your boyfriend had the same idea.”

“How mad is she?”

“Clarke?  She’s acting like she’s angry but  she’s really just sad and knows deep down she was in the wrong.”

“I don’t know.  She seemed pretty sure she was right.”

“No.  She’s projecting her past on you.  Don’t give up just yet.”

Lexa sighed and finished the last of her grapes. “We’ll see.”

 

“So why are you really here?  Having a difference in opinion doesn’t warrant them kicking you out or you storming off.”

“This time it seems like it does.”

“They’re your best friends...

“Maybe.  But they’ve known each other longer.  They have this bond slash close-knit inner circle thing that I’ll never be a part of.   Clarke is always biased towards Octavia and Octavia is always biased towards Clarke.”

“And you’re wondering where you fit.”

“Well yeah...I’ve only lived here the better part of two years.  I don’t have any other friends.  It’s just hard sometimes, you know?”

“I’m a little offended.”  Lexa said furrowing her eyebrows. “I thought I was your friend.”

“Oh..I just didn’t..I mean I thought that...”

“Thought that I was being nice to get in Clarke’s good graces?”  She finished and Raven nodded. “Ok, so just to clear everything up, I’m your friend and I can provide unbiased opinions.”

“Based on what I’ve heard about your incessant lip locking I’d say you’re already corrupted.”

“That’s not true.  My past with Clarke has nothing to do with you.  I’m a very logical person, why don’t you give me a chance?”

“I suppose I could give you a go.”

“Oh and speaking of corrupted: you came in here defending Clarke’s actions even though you were upset with her too.”

“Whatever.” the smaller girl rolled her eyes. “So you still going to the meet this weekend?”

“Why would I do that?”

“Because she does better when you’re there, and I liked sitting with you. Please?”

“Fine, but only because we’re newly established friends and you asked nicely.  And we have to sit in the very back.”

“That defeats the purpose. We’re sitting where we sat last time so she can see you and realize the error of her ways.”

“Ok and why are you so inclined to go?  Aren't you mad at Clarke too?”

“Because I promised the other one that if I could help it I’d never miss a meet.  So I’m bound by my word: no matter how pissed and hurt I’m feeling.”

“Awww you guys are the cutest couple.”

“We are not a couple!  We kissed a few times, and cuddled, and held hands occasionally. That doesn’t mean anything. Who told you we were together?”

“I only suspected but you just confirmed it.”

“Why am I regretting this already?” Raven dropped her face in her palms and groaned.

“Because I can see right through you. It’s pretty fun actually, no one has ever been this transparent to me before.”  Lexa smiled internally.  This must be how Anya feels: she can see past any kind of facade Lexa puts up and it’s irritating, but nice to have someone that can cut to the chase and dig out the root of the problem.

“I hate you- you tall exotic foresty creation.”

“Why am I exotic and foresty?”

“I don’t know.  You seem like you could survive out in the wilderness and still somehow look graceful while doing it.”

“Well you look like a grease monkey.”

“…I am a grease monkey.  I work in a garage every day after school.”

“Case in point.”

 

\----------

 

The weekend came and went relatively quickly. As promised, Lexa went to watch Clarke and Octavia attempt to run their asses off.  Raven even picked Lexa up from her house to make sure she didn’t chicken out. They sat in the same place they had a week before.  When Clarke looked up and saw her there she was obviously surprised but also looked happy and relieved: it made Lexa a little less sad about the falling out they had a few days prior.  Lexa noticed that Clarke obsessively twisted a ring around her finger before every race. She also noticed that the blonde had only worn it in her presence one other time: at the party last weekend. Maybe it was another of her good luck charms.

The girls didn’t do too well: probably because they were distracted.  Clarke made sad eyes at Lexa anytime she could and Octavia did the same with Raven.  When Monday rolled around Lexa was still avoiding conversation with Clarke, Raven still sat with her in the abandoned classroom, Nathan wanted to give Clarke of piece of his mind (which Monty and Lexa put the kibosh on), and Anya continued to inform her best friend of how stupid she was not to be the bigger person and apologize first.

“So you goin' to prom?” Raven asked around a bite of her banana.

“Nope.”

“Why not?  Lexa, we only get to go to our junior prom once.”

“I don’t want to go.  I don’t have a date and I’m not feeling very festive.”

“Please?? We could go together.”

“You’ve got to stop convincing me to go places. Parties, track meets, prom...it’s a bit much.  I need a break.”

“Prom is on Friday and today is only Monday. I have enough time to convince you, don’t underestimate me.”

Just as Lexa was about to make her argument, the door to the classroom opened and Octavia walked in.

“Hi.”  She said awkwardly.

“What are you doing here, O?”

“We miss you.  Please come back, it’s been 3 days.”

“How’d you know where I was?”

“Grapevine.” she shrugged.  “We’ve never not talked this long, Raven.”

“No.  I’d say the first 15 years of my life is a bit longer than 3 days.”

“You know what I mean.  Come have lunch with us.”

“I’m not leaving Lexa here.”

The brunette sharply turned her eyes to the two girls at the mention of her name.  She didn’t want to be in the middle of anything or be the reason Raven didn’t make up with her friends.  “It’s alright if you want to go.  I’ll be fine.”

“No.  You’re my friend remember?  And I didn’t hear any apology so I’m not even tempted.”

“An apology?!” Octavia questioned. “An apology for what? You took her side over your best friend’s and then you two start...frolicking around together.”

“She asked for my opinion and I gave it to her! If Clarke wanted me to lie and tell her what she wanted to hear she should have said so.  You look me in the eyes and tell me her behavior had nothing to do Serena.”

Octavia was going to protest but kept her mouth closed. She never actually thought about that. She was ‘defend Clarke’ first ‘analyze’ later. But now was as good a time as any to think about it.  So she did, silently: aware of the two older girls staring at her.   Serena was a seemingly sweet girl, no she was sweet but her upbringing tainted that and after her parents found out about Clarke….“Crap.” She said out loud and walked out of the classroom without another word.

 

Octavia approached their usual lunch table, grabbed Clarke by the elbow, and pulled her into a relatively quiet hallway.

“Serena.”

“What?”

“Serena.”  she breathed.  “Raven was right.”

“O, what the hell are you talking about?”

“You’re projecting your experience with one girl onto another one.  And so was I, but I didn’t even realize it until just now.”

“Where is this coming from?”

“Tell me I’m wrong.  Tell me that your fear of being with Lexa has nothing to do with Serena.  And don’t lie. You know I can always tell when you’re lying.”

“I’m over her!  You know I am.  How could you bring her up after I worked so hard to forget?”

“That’s your problem, Clarke. You might be over the girl, but you aren’t over the hurt.  You've been trying so hard to forget that you didn't move past it.  I think you have some valid points with Lexa’s sudden lesbian revelation but you didn’t even let her say anything about it before you started calling her out, did you?”

“That’s not what happened.  I was just asking her some innocent questions and she blew up at me!”

“Yes, but is it possible that she perceived your concerns the wrong way because you were delivering them the wrong way? Clarke, you were guarding your heart but hurt hers in the process.”

Clarke didn’t know what to say. She could deny this until she was blue in the face: but Octavia was right.  Honestly, she'd always known what her problem was but didn't want to reopen that can of worms.  She let her past ruin the present and she had to figure out how to deal with it. Raven deserved an apology first and foremost.  Her friend had only tried to help and she snapped at her.  Lexa was a different story.  She deserved an apology and her own float at the rose parade _. She opened up to me and I shut her down_ , she thought.

It was a huge mess that would take time to fix.

“Oh God.  And Raven hates me now. What is wrong with us?  All she did was tell the truth and we yelled at her.”  Octavia moaned.

“We have to apologize and hope she forgives us. You’ll have an easier time than me though, she still showed up to watch you on Saturday.”

“I don’t know about that.  Raven could have gone to see you just to piss me off.”

“No.  She couldn’t take her eyes off you the whole time.  Just apologize and promise to be her slave for a week. Reyes has a hard shell but she’s a softy, especially when it comes to you.”

“You really think so?”

“Of course.”

Octavia let out a breath she’d been holding and threw her arms around the blonde.  “What are you going to do about Lexa?”

“I have absolutely no idea.”

Lexa wasn’t someone that could be ‘wooed’. Flowers, chocolates, or flash mobs didn’t impress her.  Maybe a hand written letter…or maybe just putting forth the effort.  Clarke mentally brainstormed for the next couple of hours and still came up blank.

........

“I don’t want to talk about Clarke anymore. It’s over between us.”

“Remember a few weeks ago when I was trying to tell you about how you were standing in your won way?” Anya asked.

“Yes.  And I ended that relationship.”

“Now I need you to start this one. Blondie may have been wrong about you but she was scared.  Doesn’t she have a right to be?”

“Of course, but that doesn’t mean she should shut down my feelings.  She made it clear what she wanted and I’m not it.”

“Didn’t she tell you not to leave?”

“Well yes, but-“

“And you did anyway.  You were yelling at her and she still wanted you to stay so you two could work it out.”

“She wasn’t listening to me!”

“Were you listening to her?  Like really listening?  Maybe there was something more that she wasn’t saying.”

Lexa took her friend’s words in. She hated when she was right. Clarke had seemed a little hesitant and overly insecure.  Her personality didn’t have any of those traits so it made sense to assume there was more to it.

“ugh.” Lexa grunted and fell back on her bed. “I’m an idiot again.”

“Yep.”  The older girl patted her knee and stood up. “Glad we could have this talk. Now I have to go get ready for prom. Don’t want to keep Jimmy waiting.”

“I can’t believe you’re going with a younger guy. That’s against your code.”

“They’re more fun when they’re fresh from the womb.” she winked and was out the door.

Lexa yelled out a “cougar” before closing her eyes and thinking about what she was going to do.  She was home alone.  Her parents went to Paris for a business trip Joseph had to go on. Elizabeth couldn’t pass up the chance to vacation.  Lexa’s phone pinged and she picked it up off her nightstand to see a text from Raven.

 

**Raven:** Sure you don’t want to come?

**Lexa:** Positive.  You have fun though.

**Raven:** :( ok.  It would be more fun with you here.

**Raven:** I hate that you’re home all alone while everyone else is here.

**Lexa:** I’m fine.

**Lexa:** Dance enough for the both of us. I want to hear all about it tomorrow.

 

Her phone went off again, but she didn’t feel like texting anymore.  Raven had made up with Clarke and Octavia and she didn’t want to ruin their night. Lexa instead decided to go down stairs and make use of the obnoxiously big smart TV in the den. She watched some movie about stardust, or star lovers.  She wasn’t paying too much attention, until she moved on to Friends.  It always made her feel better.

The doorbell rang and she pulled a $20 bill out of her purse for the pizza delivery guy.  She swung the door open and Clarke was standing there in a fluffy blue dress and sparkly high heels, with a pizza in one hand and some other large thing in the other.

“Hey.  Uh. I was at prom and I couldn’t stop thinking about you...Somehow I ended up here with one of my paintings...and oh. I paid for your pizza.”

Lexa grabbed the box and took a few steps back into her house.  “Thanks...Do you want to come in?  I’m watching Friends…and I just got pizza from a cute delivery girl.”  She decided to try and flirt a little.

“Really?”  Clarke was pleasantly surprised by the brunette’s playfulness. “You think she’s cute?”

“Mhm.” Lexa nodded. “Totally my type.”

Clarke smiled and stepped into the house closing the door behind her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so annoyed with myself because the more I write, the more ideas I have, and the more chapters I'm thinking of adding. I can already tell this story is going to spiral out of control.
> 
> On that note.
> 
> WHO'S READY FOR SOME RAVEN/OCTAVIA LOVIN'??? what's their ship name? I should know this but i don't. Someone please enlighten me.


	9. Hold Me Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "All I am is in your hands so hold me, love." - Dylan Lloyd

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wanted to post this 6 hours ago but I spent all day in the Apple store getting my computer fixed. Gotta love the $2,000 facebook machine ;)

The gymnasium made quite the transformation for the evening’s event. What once was dull and rather smelly was now vibrant...and honestly still pretty smelly.  But some of the smell was covered up by the overwhelming amount of perfume and cologne students chose to wear.  The red brick walls were covered in some sort of makeshift wallpaper and twinkly lights were strung all around.  It was pretty much your typical prom setting. Octavia and Raven sat awkwardly at a table with their fruit punch.  For the past week Clarke was the bridge between their friendship and it helped them avoid the conversation they knew they would have to have sooner or later. Since Clarke had run off in a hurry to be with Lexa, now would have to do.

“Do you think they’ll be alright?” Octavia asked.

“Of course. I’ve been preparing Lexa for this. Well not Clarke showing up out of nowhere.  But the idea of trying to talking things out.”

“You did that even though you were mad?”

Raven looked down at her feet and nodded.  “Clarke is my friend.  And even when she bitches me out for no reason I’ll still be there to help her out when I can.”

“…And me?”

The question caused Raven to laugh but she didn’t quite know why. “Dance with me.”

“O-Ok.”

The two teens made their way to the dance floor.  Directly in the middle of it, but they didn’t know that.  Raven wrapped her arms around Octavia’s neck, and Octavia wrapped hers around the smaller girls waist.  They swayed slowly from side to side, resting their foreheads together

“I should have listened to you.  I’m sorry.”

“No. Clarke is your best friend you’re supposed to have her back.  I get it.”

“She’s my best friend but you’re my…”

“I’m your what?”

“You’re my...more than friend.”

Raven stopped dancing and took a step back. “Ok I know we’ve never talked about us before but ‘more than friend’ are the best words you can think of to describe whatever it is that we’re doing?!”

“Rae, please don’t be mad.”

“I’m not mad, O.  I’m just frustrated. From the moment I met you I was horribly attracted to you and it took me over a year to make a move. We’ve been stealing kisses and holding hands...having cuddly sleepovers and promptly avoiding our feelings for 8 months now.”

“I know. I was just afraid...I didn’t know if you wanted what I wanted.”

“It isn’t obvious?” Raven asked incredulously. “I want so badly for us to be together. I love you too much to keep going on like this.”

“You-“Octavia started.  She felt tears sting the corners of her eyes and she half sobbed half laughed. “You love me?”

“How could I not?” The smaller girl moved back into the bubble she’d left and moved her arms back into their previous position. “I love you so much Octavia Blake.”

Their lips crushed together and it tasted like cotton candy lip-gloss and tears. Sure they had kissed before on drunken nights and in the heat of the moment, but this was different. This was a heart stopping, messy, tongue and teeth, full of promise kiss.

“I love you too.  I’m so in love with you, Raven Reyes.”  Octavia panted out, as she pulled away and continued. “You wanna get out of here?” Her seductive tone didn’t fall on deaf ears.

“You want to...right now?” Raven asked, her eyebrows shooting up to her hairline.

“Only if you want to.”

“Oh I definitely want to.”

Raven decided to drive on a count of Octavia not having a car.  They held hands and rode in temporary silence with smiles on their faces.

“So where are we going?”

“Somewhere special.” Raven replied sarcastically.

“What, did you get us a hotel room in anticipation?” Octavia laughed.

“No. But I could make that happen.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. I don’t work on cars everyday for free you know?”

..........

 

They hadn’t said much of anything.  Clarke was happy to even be in the same room as Lexa, and Lexa decided that since she made the first move the ball was in Clarke’s court.  The entire pizza was gone, and two Friends episodes had passed before Lexa grew some ovaries and spoke up.

“I over reacted.  I think I was mad because I knew on some level that some of what you were saying was true. My parents do need to learn and accept who I am, and I would love to rattle them a little but I would never use you to do that. I was too wrapped up in myself to take your concerns into account.  But I meant what I said, you aren’t a phase or experiment.  I know exactly what I want.”

Clarke nodded and took a deep breath.

“There was a girl.  Her name is Serena. She was tall and gorgeous, but had a very...traditional upbringing. She told me that no matter what happened we’d always be together.  But she came out to her parents and the outcome was terrible: they yelled at her, and then they yelled at me.  Told her they’d disown her if she didn’t get over this ‘phase’.  So the next week Serena showed up at school and in front of everyone said that what we were doing was just an experiment, a way to get all the crazy out of her system.”

“Clarke, I’m so sorry.”

“It’s not your fault.  It just really hurt. We were friends first, like you and me. But I had known since elementary school, and I think that made it worse.”

“That’s why you were so worried about me.”

“Yeah...and I shouldn’t have just assumed that you were anything like her. I mean you came out to your dad, that’s huge.”

“Ha.” Lexa laughed sarcastically. “That was real interesting.”

“He took it ok then?”

“I honestly don’t know.  He said not to tell my mom, and he’s been more fatherly.  Or he’s trying to be.”

“Well that’s good, right?”

“I guess. Something is off with him though. The way he reacted was so weird.”

“Good weird or bad weird?”

“Neither. It just didn’t make any sense. Whatever he’s hiding will come out in time so I’m not too worried about it right now.” Lexa shifted a little closer to Clarke, close enough for their shoulders to be touching. “You look beautiful in that dress.”

“Thanks. It isn’t very comfortable though.”

“Do you want to borrow some clothes?”

“Please?”

Lexa nodded and ran up the stairs.  Grabbing some running shorts and a large t-shirt she made her way back down the steps and offered the clothes to Clarke. 

“Would you mind unzipping me?”  The blonde asked turning her back.

“Sure.” The brunette nodded, braced one hand on between Clarke’s shoulder blades and used the other to slowly undo her zipper.  Lexa’s mouth went drier and drier as more skin was exposed: she’d never been attracted to someone’s back before.  In fact, she’d never seen the appeal in them until now.

“Thank you.”  Clarke said and began to walk towards the bathroom.  She didn’t make it two steps before she felt a hand around her wrist and was being turned around and backed into a wall.  Soft lips were covering her own and Clarke couldn’t help but sigh into the taller girls mouth.  She was thankful she abandoned her high heels because her legs turned to jelly and she could barely stand on her own two feet.

Lexa ran her hands around to Clarke’s back, clutching at the bare skin where her dress was unzipped.  The blonde nipped at Lexa’s lower lip drawing out a loud moan from the taller girl. She was a little embarrassed at first but remembered that Clarke thought it was sexy, so she didn’t worry about holding back any sounds that may involuntarily erupt from the back of her throat.

After another minute or so, Clarke grasped either side of Lexa’s face with her hands and pulled away to rest their foreheads together.

“You should go change before I lose my mind.”

The blonde nodded her head but didn’t move away. “Are we ok?”

“We will be.  We can talk more when you aren’t half naked, so I can think clearly.”

“I’m not half naked.” she laughed.

“Are you kidding? You show up here in this fantastic dress that shows off your shape and exposes just enough leg and cleavage to drive me crazy and then you ask me to unzip you.  If I didn’t know any better I’d say you were trying to seduce me.”

“Believe me, that wasn’t my intent when I was getting dressed earlier. But I don’t think it’s such a bad thing; I love it when you look at me like that.”

“Like what?”

“Like you could be in a room full of beautiful women and you’d only have eyes for me.”

“I could be in a room full of beautiful women, the entire ‘Friends’ cast, and a grand piano made out of pure gold and diamonds and I’d still only have eyes for you.”

………

 

“Wow.” Raven fell on her back in the over sized bed. “So that’s what I’ve been missing.”

Octavia rested her head on the older girl’s shoulder and slowly traced her fingers over protruding collarbones.

“So it was ok?”

“Okay? I just came harder and faster than I ever have.  I’d say ‘ok’ is an understatement.”

“Really? I had no idea what I was doing.”

“You’ve never slept with a woman before?  I definitely couldn’t tell.”

“I’ve never slept with anyone before.”

“What?” Raven abruptly readjusted to face her. “Not even with Adam?”

“He was a good guy but we never got that far...and I may have been pining over you so I just couldn’t do it.”

“Why didn’t you tell me this was your first time? I would have done it way differently, I would have asked...are you ok?  I didn’t hurt you did I?”

“I promise I’m fine.  I didn’t tell you because I knew you’d want to treat me like I’m made of glass.  I also knew that I could trust you to stop if I felt uncomfortable.”

All of that may have been true but Raven still didn’t like being in the dark about something this huge.  She’d taken something from Octavia and didn’t even know she was doing it.

“I just wish you’d told me.”

“You know...according to this fancy digital alarm clock it’s only 10:30, so it’s still Friday.  We’re still naked and in bed.  So technically it’s still my first time: that gives you an hour and a half to really show me how Raven Reyes takes one’s virginity.”

Octavia bit down on her own lower lip as Raven flipped her onto her back and hovered over her.

“I love you.” Raven said as she kissed her soon to be girlfriend’s lips and let her tongue lazily drag across the perfect jawline.

“I love you, too.”

Just as Octavia thought, Raven was more careful this time.  More gentle in her touches.  It was like she was teasing her.  It took a bit longer to get worked up to the point of orgasm, but when she got there she just couldn’t seem to let go.  Octavia needed a little more but wasn’t getting it.  She wanted to give Raven the control she needed but it was driving her crazy.

“Fuck. Raven, I’m so close.  I need more.” She panted out.  The brown-eyed girl stopped her ministrations momentarily and locked eyes with her girl. She smirked and buried her tongue between warm slick folds.  Licking and pistoning in and out until her jaw started to ache, Raven felt two strong hands push her head even further into the delectable wetness.  She moaned at the feeling, sending vibrations into Octavia’s sex and finally forcing out the orgasm that so desperately needed to be released. The younger girl whimpered softly as the after effects started to take place and she smiled to herself.

“I don’t think I can move my legs.”

“That means I did my job right.” Raven responded as she pulled the thin sheets around the two of them, cradling Octavia in her arms.

“Well I could have told you that hours ago.  You’re amazing.”

“You bet your sweet ass I am.”

Octavia laughed and swatted her on the arm. “There’s no way Clarke is having as much fun as we are.”

“Probably not.  But I’d like to refrain from talking about her while we’re naked and I’ve got your lady juice all over my face.”

“Point taken.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I honestly didn't expect it to get smutty towards the end but you know it was the heat of the moment and i'm a horny little shit so it is what it is. Had to write some of my dirty thoughts down. ;)
> 
> I love the song I used for this chapter, i think certain parts of it relate to Clexa and some to Octaven. The passion behind it hits me right in the feels.
> 
> I was going to continue Clarke and Lexa's end of things but I thought this was a good ending point and the next part will help the flow of the next chapter. There's going to be a lot of time jumping and the angst will return. So "hold on to your butts" (name that movie) lol anyway i'm done rambling.


	10. Straitjacket Feeling (Part 1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Back me down from backing up  
> Hold your breath now it's stacking up  
> Etched with marks, but I can deal  
> And you're the problem and you can't feel  
> Try this on, straitjacket feeling  
> so maybe I won't be alone  
> Take back now, my life you're stealing
> 
> Yesterday was hell  
> But today I'm fine without you  
> Run away this time without you  
> And all I ever thought you'd be  
> That face is tearing holes in me again" - The All-American Rejects

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Theme song for the chapter. Definitely think of it in regard to Lexa's parents.

Clarke emerged from the bathroom in her borrowed clothes and found Lexa leaning back on her couch with her eyes tightly closed.  She was breathing hard and seemed to be trying to focus on something.

“What are you thinking about?” the blonde asked.  Lexa looked in her direction and gave her a once over. Clarke in her borrowed clothes was some how sexier than Clarke in a stunning blue fluffy dress that barely covered anything.  The brunette felt her temperature spike again, and she internally cursed. She’d just spent a few minutes trying to get herself to calm down and she didn’t understand what was happening.

“Hey. You alright?”  Clarke asked and moved to sit next to her.

 _Clarke Clarke Clarke_ was all that was running through Lexa’s mind.  She wanted to stare at her, breathe in her scent, touch her, kiss her...and suddenly Lexa understood what was going on.  She was furiously turned on.  She hadn’t recognized it for what it was because no one had ever made her feel this way before.

“I’m fine.”  She laughed.

“Uhh. Did I miss something?”

“Yes, remind me in a few months to tell you about it.”

“Why can’t you tell me now?”

“Because it will be funnier and less awkward later on. Trust me.”

“Okay...” She drawled out. “So...”

“So let’s talk. I promise not to get angry this time.”

“Ok...So how are you handling this?  Being openly gay.”

“It’s harder now than it was at first.  It’s just so weird: everything I am at my very core is the exact opposite of what I was raised to believe.  I’m into music, not so into organized religion, and I’m super gay. I’m a little too ‘free’ for Joseph and Elizabeth’s standards.”

“Are you having second thoughts?”

“Not at all.  I have to separate what I was taught from who I am and merge together all the pieces that go together. I’m actually enjoying the internal conflict.”

“What? Lexa that sounds crazy.” Clarke exclaimed. “How exactly is that enjoyable?”

The brunette laughed before continuing. “I enjoy it because it means I actually have a choice.  Growing up I always did what my mother said and I learned early on that whatever she says goes. Now I’m 17, a year away from graduating and I’ll be out of her house.  I enjoy it because for the first time ever I realized that the only person standing in the way of my happiness is me.”

“Are you real?”

Lexa quirked an eyebrow. “You lost me.”

“You’re too good to be true.  You’re artistic, smart, funny, and witty.  You’ve got super strict parents that basically told you that it wasn’t ok to be who you are, but you’re overcoming that in record time.  I’ve met plenty of closeted people, Lexa. It takes them months, sometimes up to a year, to figure out everything you just told me.  And you did it in what? A week?”

“You give me too much credit.  It took Anya years to get me to even consider living in a way that would make me happy. She also helped me see past my anger when I was mad at you: Raven too, she really stood up for you. If it weren’t for those two I may not be talking to you right now.”

“Raven? I thought for sure she’d have nothing but bad things to say about me, especially after I yelled at her.”

“Quite the opposite actually. She was angry with you but promised me that your reaction was nothing more than your insecurities about the past. You’ve always had a man on the inside.”

“Now I really feel terrible.” Clarke groaned

“Just apologize every day for the rest of your life and let her tinker with your car.”

“Ha!” The blonde snorted. “I’m good with apologizing but I’m not sure about letting her under the hood of my car.”

“You should reconsider.  Have you heard the noises that hunk of junk makes when you’re going up hill?”

“My car is not a hunk of junk!”

“Oh I beg to differ, Clarke.  That thing is a dirty death trap.”

“Well not all of us can have brand new designer cars.”

“Actually you could.  But for some reason you didn’t let your parents buy you one.”

“You’re mean.”  The blonde pouted.

“Just stating facts, blondie.” Lexa said playfully.  “So what’s with the painting?  You sat it by the door when you came in and never said anything about it.”

“Oh! I completely forgot!” Clarke jumped up and ran to get it.  When she returned she held it up right in front of Lexa.  There was a sheet covering it, so she couldn’t see what it was.

“I thought maybe you’d want to have it, I just finished it a couple days ago.”

Clarke took off the sheet and heard Lexa audibly gasp. 

“Clarke, this is amazing!” she said.  It was a collage.  All of the drawings she posed for, or was aware of were all collected together.

“I finished my series on you and decided that it needed to be painted. So this is what I came up with.”

The headshot, the very first drawing Lexa posed for, was dead center. Lexa playing the piano, studying, playing soccer, laughing, sitting with her legs crisscrossed on her bed with her computer.  It was all there surrounding a very stoic looking Lexa.

“How did you paint my face that small so perfectly?”

“An outline, a really small paint brush, lots of patience, and very little sleep.”

“This is so amazing.  You’re amazing.” The brunette cooed.

Clarke smiled: happy that her hard work was so well received.

“I want to take you on a date.”  Clarke blurted out. “And I know we’ve had plenty of nights in with dinner and movies on the couch.  Kind of like tonight. But I want a real date where I pick you up, open the car door for you, maybe buy you a rose, take you to dinner so we can talk and swap childhood stories, and at the end of the night I’ll walk you to your door and hopefully get a kiss goodnight.”

“That sounds really nice, but...” Lexa started and Clarke clammed up for a second not sure what the ‘but’ was for.

“But what?”

“But you don’t have to open doors for me...and I’m not keeping this painting. I’m not conceited enough to have this big of a self portrait slash collage in my room.”

Clarke slapped Lexa on the arm. “I can’t believe you! I thought you were going to say no!”

“Hey. No need to be so violent.”

“You’re nothing but trouble, you know that?”

“Oh I know.  And you’re stuck with me, so get used to it.”  Lexa poked her tongue out and of course Clarke had to do the same.  It amazed the blonde how much Lexa has changed over the past month. Well it wasn’t so much a change as it was her letting loose.  She had seen parts of her playful personality the first time they studied together and more of it seemed to emerge every day.

.................

 

Clarke ended up sleeping over at Lexa’s, only after being assured that her parents wouldn’t come home early and freak out on her.  The house, she noticed, was uncharacteristically empty and the brunette confessed to letting the house staff have time off whenever her parents went out of town.  She was capable of taking care of herself and Elizabeth runs them into the ground, it was the least she could do.  Now Clarke understood why the staff, especially Marisol, loved Lexa so much.

On Saturday morning Clarke went home and immediately called Octavia to gush about everything that had happened.  Neither girls could really understand what the other was saying because both of them were far too excited to say anything coherently.  They decided to meet for breakfast and spill in person.

Across town much of the same was happening between Lexa and Raven, though they weren’t squealing at each other.  Raven called to see how things with Clarke went and when Lexa gave a very vague “it went nicely” Raven scoffed and told the taller girl to pick her up from home so they could go get breakfast and talk about every little detail.

Walking into the little cafe they didn’t know they’d run into Octavia and Clarke. The younger girls were talking animatedly while waiting to be seated.  Clarke ran over to her girl and kissed her the second she saw her.

“Hi.” Lexa giggled.  “Miss me?”

“Yes. Of course I did. What are you doing here?”

“You really didn’t see me walk in with her?” Raven chimed in. “That’s some impressive tunnel vision.”

“Sorry.” Clarke laughed.  She noticed Octavia and Raven were huddled together...well as much as they could be while standing up.  But something else was different about them too.  Between all of Octavia’s babbling she could piece together that the two of them were finally officially an item.  There was something more though...

Raven twisted her head to place a chast kiss on O’s jawline. The motion caused the collar of her shirt to move and she could see a couple a hickeys.  Octavia laughed and moved her hand under the hem of the shorter girl’s shirt.

“Clarke.” The hostess called. “Would you like to change your party to 4?”

“Yes, please.”  The blonde answered. “How long is the wait?”

“We’re cleaning off your table right now.”

They made their way to a both towards the back of the restaurant. Clexa walked hand in hand, Octaven was practically attached at the skin.  Once they ordered it was like Clarke and Lexa didn’t even exist, the two brunettes were all over each other.  It wasn’t until Raven kissed Octavia’s shoulder that she put the pieces together, and couldn’t help but blurt out “You had sex!” while waggling her finger between her two friends.

All eyes were on the blonde and Lexa couldn’t help but laugh at the blushing faces across from her.

“How did you know?” Octavia mumbled.

“Raven has hickeys and you won’t stop groping each other. I don’t think I’ve _ever_ seen this much PDA.”

Their flushed faces only got more red as their embarrassment washed over them. Lexa laughed again and covered her mouth to try and stifle her giggles.  Clarke subsequently joined in.

“Don’t laugh!” Raven exclaimed. “When you two have sex I’m so calling you out on it!”

....

It took one week but Clarke finally took Lexa on the date she’d always wanted to take her on.  As promised she picked her up from her house and opened the car door for her. She had a single red rose waiting for her in the car.  They went to a French restaurant in Beverly Hills.  A garden salad was $30 and the entrees were close to $50 but it was worth it. Lexa felt horrible. There weren’t any prices on the menu so she didn’t know how expensive her meal was until the bill came. Clarke promised that it was more than okay and she had been here before so she knew what to expect.

On the ride home Clarke asked to know more about Lexa’s relationship with music.  The brunette got talking and wouldn’t shut up, but Clarke thought it was adorable. She loved that Lexa had as much passion for playing the violin as she did for painting.  ‘Finally, someone that gets it’ she thought. Clarke walked Lexa to her front door and both girls spoke of having a good time and promised to do it again. The brunette insisted that she would do the doting next time around.

“I’m going to kiss you now.” Clarke stated, and pulled Lexa’s lips down to meet hers before a response could be made.  They had become so accustom to each other.  Clarke knew how to make Lexa moan, and Lexa knew how to make Clarke’s knees buckle.  They were so balanced together, it was unreal.

The blonde pulled  away but stayed close enough for their noses to continue brushing together.

“Yeah. I’m definitely going to fall in love with you.  I’m pretty sure it’s already happening.”  Clarke said. She hadn’t meant to say it out loud but didn’t regret it. It was how she felt.  Lexa didn’t know what to say to that.  Sure she liked Clarke a lot and was quite infatuated, but love? She’d honestly never got that far in her thinking.

“I...” The brunette started.  She wanted to give Clarke something too but she wasn’t ready for those words yet.

“It’s ok.” The blonde said.  Lexa started to back away but she held her tighter. “I’m not pressuring you into anything, I was just telling you how I feel.  That’s all.”

Lexa nodded her head and pressed her lips into Clarke’s one last time before they bid each other good night.

Time seemed to fly after their first official date.  Finals and graduation had come and gone.  Lexa signed up to volunteer at a law firm for the summer while Clarke did the same at a hospital.  The two teens finally put a label on their relationship two months into it after Lexa goofily asked if Clarke was ‘seeing other people’, to which the blonde responded with an obnoxious laugh and stated “I told you I was falling in love with you, we spend all of our time together, and you think I want to date someone else?”

The brunette did think she was being silly after hearing that out loud.

“You’re my girlfriend, Lex.  I thought you knew.”

“Well I’m sorry!  You never asked, I never asked, it’s never really come up and I just wanted to make sure, ok?”

“Would it make you feel better if we had an official girlfriend ceremony?” Clarke asked sarcastically.

“Maybe.” the brunette pouted.

“Alexandra Woods.” Clarke got on one knee in front of her soon to be official girlfriend and took one hand between both of hers. “Will you go steady with me?”

Lexa shook her head and pulled Clarke into her lap, kissing her.

“So, is this a yes?” the blonde asked between kisses, to which Lexa responded with a laugh and more kissing.

Soon enough they were strewn out on the couch, limbs tangled in each other’s. They were in their own world until Jake so rudely interrupted them.  He cleared his throat and made a comment about knowing Clarke was 16 with raging hormones but wished she would try harder to keep her ‘old man in the dark about this sort of thing.’ The blonde just laughed and dragged Lexa by the wrist up to her loft.

“You’re only 16?!” Lexa asked as they were climbing the stairs.

“Yeah. We’ve been dating for 2 months, how did you not know that?  You’re a terrible girlfriend.”

“In my defense I’ve only been your girlfriend for 5 minutes...literally.”

“Not letting this one slide.”  The blonde said as she threw her girlfriend onto her solo mattress and straddled her waist.

“Seriously, Clarke.  I’m cougar. Oh my god, my birthday is before yours.  I’ll be 18 before you’re 17.  Do you know how bad that sounds?  An 18 year old dating a 16 year old.”

“Our birthdays are exactly 7 days apart.  It isn’t that bad.”

“I feel dirty.”  The brunette groaned.

“You’re seriously killing the mood.”

“I’m not going to make out with you while your dad is down stairs.”

“Fine.” The blonde huffed and rolled onto her side. “You’re such a cock blocker.” Clarke joked.  They hadn’t gone very far physically yet but she felt comfortable enough to make sex jokes.

It took Lexa 3 days to get over the age difference with her girlfriend. It was absolutely ridiculous, but Lexa wouldn’t be Lexa if she didn’t obsess over little things like that.

 

In the beginning of August it was time for Anya to pack up and go off to college. Lexa was sad that her best friend was going all the way to D.C, but was happy that she got into her top choice. Lexa stayed with Anya and her family for most of the week with Anya and her parents, who she was surprised to find out, knew about her relationship with Clarke and was completely supportive. It was weird considering Elizabeth and Jenna (Anya’s mom) were the best of friends.  The two girls spent as much time as they could together, packing and just enjoying the company before it was ripped away from them for the better part of 4 years.

Lexa drove Anya to the airport on a Sunday morning, she had already said goodbye to her parents.  It was one of the only times her mother let her skip church.  Lexa didn’t cry but her friend did.  She was a blubbering mess.

“I’m crying on you.”

“Yeah it’s gross.”

“It’s my essence.”

They laughed at the mimicked conversation they had when Lexa came out a few months ago.

“I’ll miss you, cornflake.”

“I’ll miss you, too.  Take care of yourself ok?  Don’t be antisocial. Don’t mess things up with Clarke. Apply to LMU; don’t let your parents get to you.  Please just let yourself be happy, ok?”

“Ok.” Lexa held on as tight as she could for as long as she could. It didn’t last too long though. LAX is always ridiculously crowded and she didn’t want Anya to miss her flight.  So she urged her to go and made her promise to call when she landed and text her every day.

Lexa drove home a little sad but was happy overall.  Sure her best friend moved across the country but she was following her dreams.  She had friends in Nate (who finally apologized to Clarke for being so rude in her house) and Raven. She had an amazing girlfriend and a father who seemed to be supportive.  That was still a little gray but ultimately Joseph was more involved in her life than he’d ever been.

Lexa opened the front door to her house and heard shouting. She ventured in further and realized it was her father and a woman.  The noise was coming from Joseph’s study.  Marisol came from the kitchen and made a confused face.  She probably didn’t know what was going on either.

“You know how she feels about that!” Joseph said.  He was obviously the most flustered, his voice booming out into the living area while the woman’s voice remained muffled by the door separating them from Lexa.

“Ever since Tris it’s just been different.  You of all people should understand!”

Tris. Lexa hadn’t heard that name in a while, she’d almost forgotten of the girl’s existence…almost. It made her feel sick to her stomach.

Marisol shook Lexa from her thoughts and pulled her out of the way of angry footsteps that made their way out of the front door.  She barely registered it, but that was definitely Anya’s mother that just stormed out of her house.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YOU GUYSSSS 600 KUDOS?! WHAT!
> 
> Ok things to notice in this chapter. (1.) Lexa is talking about her own happiness so much because it's new and she's reveling in it, if she seems a little self involved then good: that's what I wanted because she deserves it. (2) There was a THREE MONTH time jump. I know I only actually wrote 2 but by the end it's been 3. (3) Lexa who is finally catching a freaking break in life now has to deal with whatever Joseph and Jenna were fighting about. AND Tris was brought up so that opens up a whole other can of worms she wished would just stay shut.
> 
> So what do you guys think happened with Tris?


	11. Don't Run Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I can see you hurting, turn around. I will be right here, don't run away." - David Archuletta

“Jenna!  Jenna wait!”

Lexa was running after the woman who had just flurried out of her house.  She was moving fast for someone wearing what seemed like 6inch heels.

“Jenna!” Lexa shouted one last time and she finally stopped and turned to look at the younger girl.  The angry expression on her face faded away to something that resembled sadness: not for herself but for Lexa.

“Hey.” The brunette panted when she finally caught up with her.

“Hi, Alexandra.  Did Anya get the airport alright?”

Lexa internally cringed at the use of her full name, but remembered that that’s what Jenna has called her for most of her life.  “Yeah, she’s fine.  What was all that about in there?  I heard shouting.”

Jenna suddenly looked exhausted and sighed more dramatically than necessary.

“You know.  Your parents and I have been best friends since we were 10 years old.  I love them both to death, but right now they’re being complete idiots.”

Lexa opened and closed her mouth a few times.  She had no idea what was going on. “What happened?  Why are you so upset with them?”

“I- it’s not really my place to say, you’ll have to get it out of them.  Just know if you ever need anything I’m here.  You have my number and you know where the house is.  You’ve always been like a second daughter to me.”

Second Daughter.  Lexa echoed the words in her head.

“You know as well as I do that they aren’t going to tell me anything.”

“Maybe they will...”

“No, they’ll act like none of this happened.  If I bring it up they’ll get mad, scold me, and make me pray for guidance.  Well maybe not dad.  He’ll try to dismiss me but mother is the crazy one.”

Jenna listened to Lexa go on a little tangent about her parents and it genuinely made her heart sad that Lexa had to grow up in this environment.

“They weren’t always like this.  When we were kids we were thick as thieves.  Always getting into trouble: especially your mother.  She was our ring leader.”

The brunette’s eyes widened and she couldn’t help but giggle. “I’m having a hard time believing that.”

“Oh, believe it. Lizzy King would raise hell whenever and however she could.”

“Lizzy?” Lexa asked. “King?”

“Yeah, she went by Lizzy before she and your father got married.  Her maiden name is King.”

“...I never knew that.”  Lexa thought it funny that her mother preferred a shortened named that started with the letter L like she had.  It wasn’t a big thing but she couldn’t help but feel a little connected to Elizabeth.

“I get the feeling there’s a lot you don’t know.  You should try talking to her.”

“I can’t...” Lexa said barely over a whisper.  Jenna could tell immediately the relationship between Lexa and Elizabeth was virtually non-existent and anger replaced the sadness she felt.  Growing up when they talked about having kids they promised to be better than their own parents: Not be uptight, be understanding, and actually care about what’s going on with them. 

“Well we can get together some other time and I could tell you a few stories, if you want.”

“Really?”

“Sure!  With Anya off to college it’ll be nice having a teenager around while she’s away.”

Lexa suddenly wanted to cry, but she didn’t know why. Instead she threw her arms around Jenna and whispered a ‘thank you’ in here ear.  She was so excited to spend time with the older woman.  Jenna was so...motherly, she thought.  Marisol was great growing up (and quite honestly was the one that really raised her) and Lexa knew she cared about her but even as a little girl she knew Marisol was only doing her job.  There’s also Abby who is incredibly sweet, but that’s her girlfriend’s mom.  And then there’s Jenna, biological mother of her best friend.  Her best friend that couldn’t be more of a sister if she tried, so this felt right.  She needed a mother, someone to talk to and someone to care.  Someone to want to do all those things willingly and Jenna is standing in her face offering just that.

“Like I said earlier.  You’ve always felt like a second daughter to me.”  The older woman said, still embracing Lexa.

“You still won’t tell me what you and dad were talking about?”

“Absolutely not.”

They laughed and finally pulled away from each other.

\------------

 

The first week of school ended and Lexa found herself spending 4 weeknights with Jenna.  She would go to her house for dinner, or game night, or go to coffee.  They didn’t really talk about Joseph and Elizabeth that much.  They talked about school, soccer, piano, college applications, Clarke, and Lexa’s new comfort with her sexuality. 

The brunette had brought up the whole incident from Sunday a few times but was immediately shut down. Her father had also shut her down when she brought it up and ordered her not to say anything to Elizabeth about it.  Which was weird because that seemed to be the theme of their new found relationship.   It was almost like a game, ‘how many secrets can we hide from mommy?’  Lexa was growing more and more tired of her parents the more time she spent with Jenna.  Anya was more than happy to share her mom, stating “she’s pretty fucking fantastic” and “everyone needs some Jenna love in their life, especially you.”  Anya’s father was around but he was quiet, kind of like Joseph but not in the same way.  Joseph was quiet out of fear, Tim was quiet because it was his personality.  He spoke up often enough, but he was just a simple man in love with his wife, his daughter, and the family they had.

“Lexa, did you hear me?”

The brunette didn’t realize how deep in thought she was until Raven tapped her on the forehead.  They were spending their Saturday at Raven’s house just hanging out.  The two had become the best of friends over the summer.  No one could replace Anya, who was undoubtedly Lexa’s family.  But Raven has proven to be an extraordinary addition to Lexa’s microscopic circle of friends.

“Sorry.  I spaced.”

“Yeah, I see that.  What’s on your mind?”

“Just...a lot.”

“Have you told Clarke you’re spending time with Jenna?”

“Not yet.”

“Why not?  She’s going to be pissed at you for telling me and not her, and she’s going to be pissed at me for knowing and not telling her that something was up!”

“I know I know. You know how she gets though.  She has the biggest most fragile heart and I don’t want her stressing over me.”

“If you know her as well as you claim then you know that she already knows that there’s something you aren’t telling her.”

Lexa frowned a little as to ask ‘are you sure?’ and Raven gave back an unamused ‘what do you think?’ look.

“Ugh.  I hate it when you’re right.”

Ravens phone vibrated and she started laughing when she read the text.  She quickly typed out a response and as soon as she turned the device off it buzzed again.

“Oh.” She said. “Welp, I guess you get to meet dear old mom today.”

“Really?”

“Yep, she just texted.  She’s back early and will be home in about 20 minutes.”

Raven is adopted.  Her mom is a martial artist and stunt double, so she’s often away shooting movies and/or TV shows.  There were countless movie posters and trophies around the house for all the work the woman had done.  It was a relatively big place, just a little larger than Lexa’s home.  They actually lived in the same neighborhood.

When the girls heard keys jingling, Raven got up and ran towards the front.  Clearly she missed her mother.  Lexa heard squealing and laughing and a muffled “come meet my friend.”

Lexa turned towards the sound of footsteps and was surprised to see Raven dragging a short black woman behind her.  She was in incredible shape, her hair was extremely short, and she had on a little makeup.  She seemed like she would be sweet.

The woman approached the brunette and reached out to shake her hand.

“Hi, I’m Indra.  It’s nice to finally meet you.”

“I’m Lexa.” The brunette  stated, taking the offered hand. “And likewise, I’ve heard great things.”

“I would hope so.  My daughter hasn’t been causing trouble while I was away, has she?”

“Not at all.  Raven has been a model citizen.  She actually keeps me in check.”

Which is true.  Raven has a hot temper and a sharp honest tongue, but it comes in handy when Lexa wants to make stupid decisions. ( Like unnecessarily hiding things from her girlfriend)

“Good.  I was a bit worried.” 

Raven rolled her eyes and scoffed sarcastically.

“No need.  She’s good at handling herself.”

“Oh I’m aware of that.  It’s the rest of the world I was worried about.”

Lexa laughed at that.

“So you’re a stunt double.” 

“Yes!  I just got into it about 6 years ago, it’s fun and it pays the bills but my true love will always be martial arts.”

“That’s so cool.  I’ve always wanted to take karate or tae kwon do but my mom said it was un-lady-like.”

“Well it’s never too late to start. I have a dojo close by, you should come check it out.  You might like it.”

“I just might do that.” Lexa smiled.

“Well I’m going to go upstairs and get settled in.  Lexa, will you be staying for dinner?”

“Oh. No, I’ll head home soon.” the brunette responded, she didn’t want to intrude.  Raven hadn’t seen her mother since she left a few weeks ago.

“Are you sure?  You’re more than welcome to stay.”

“I’m sure.  Next time though.” Lexa smiled.

“Ok.” Indra kissed the top of Raven’s head and headed up the steps.

“Are you sure you don’t want to stay?” The shorter girl asked. “She really doesn’t mind.”

“I know.  But you haven’t seen her in weeks, you need some mommy-daughter time…catch up and all that.”

“You’re the best.” Raven said and hugged her friend from the side.

\-----------------

 

It had been 3 weeks.  3 weeks since Anya left, and 3 weeks since Clarke noticed that Lexa has been a little distant. It was unsettling: she wondered if something happened to Lexa.  Some nights she goes off the grid for 3 to 4 hours at a time and doesn’t say where she’s been or what she was doing.  The blonde was a little worried: her girlfriend was attentive as always, but at the same time not completely there.  School had been in for 2 weeks now, it was senior year and everyone in Clarke’s life seemed to be happy and the year to come would hopefully go off without a hitch.

_Hopefully_ being the operative word.  It was lunch time and everyone was at their usual spot around the usual table, chattering away about today’s gossip and plans for the weekend that was 5 days away.  Everyone but Lexa, who had her head in a book ignoring everyone.

“Lex.” Clarke called out.

“Hm?” the brunette responded immediately.

“This weekend?”

“What about it?”

“Party?” Octavia chimed in.

“You guys know I don’t like parties.” It came out more dry and impersonal than Lexa wanted but didn’t feel like correcting herself.

“Yeah, but it’s the first one of the year. Please, babe? I’ll have more fun if my girlfriend is with me.” Clarke pleaded.

“Clarke, I went to parties with you all summer.  I don’t drink, so all I did was sit in a corner and wait until you and the inseparable couple over there got too wasted to function and had to drive you all home.”

“We are not inseparable!” Raven said defensively. “And I was never that wasted.”

To Raven’s defense she was probably the most coherent of the trio (still drunk none the less), but Lexa wasn’t in the mood to give out any compliments.

“I didn’t realize you felt that way.  Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

“Because it made you happy and I would do almost anything for you.  But I’m so tired of the late nights, and the risk of people I’m not dating puking in my car.”

And Clarke felt terrible.  She genuinely thought Lexa was having as much fun as she was: now that she really thought about it, her girlfriend wasn’t often by her side at parties.  She just felt comfort in knowing that Lexa was there whenever she needed her.

“I’m sorry.”  Was all she could really say at the moment, a bigger and better apology would have to be made in the form of a long speech, and a grand gesture of some sort.

There was an awkward silence until Octavia started talking about how much she missed her brother, Bellamy.  He graduated from college in May and hadn’t come back from Oregon since then.  He found a good job and decided to stay where he was for a little while.

Octavia, oddly enough, was the only one in the group that had a sibling so no one could really relate to her when she talked about how annoying Bellamy was but the next minute gush about how grateful she is to have him.  It was confusing and contradictory but she claimed it was just a sibling thing that didn’t make sense unless you had it.

The rest of the day went as school goes.  It was only week 3 so there wasn’t much of anything exciting going on.  Clarke and Lexa had a total of 3 classes together.  2 of them were their last two classes of the day.  They hadn’t talked to each other very much.

On the way to the car Lexa reached out for Clarke’s hand and held it until they reached her vehicle and as usual opened the door for her. Once in the driver’s side, Lexa reached out for Clarke’s hand again.  The brunette didn’t like kissing or even hugging in public 98% of the time but she always liked being connected in some way.  Whether it was hand holding, or just having her hand on the small of the Blonde’s back, or even letting their legs touch when they sat next to each other.  It was adorable.

They entered Clarke’s home after a short ride, and it was comforting for Clarke to see Lexa feel so at home that she went straight to the kitchen to rummage through the cabinets.  She settled on some dried fruit from Abby’s ‘healthy’ side of the pantry.  Jake and Clarke were all about Cheetos and Dr. Pepper, while Abby was very much into organic, fat free, low carb, low calorie, no sugar added anything.  Lexa seemed to lean to that side as well.  That mixed with he amount of running she does playing soccer is the reason she has virtually no body fat.  Clarke knows if she kept her current diet and wasn’t running track she’d be curvier but the thought didn’t really bother her, which is why she didn’t care to change.  It wasn’t like she ate horribly 100% of the time anyway.

“You want to get started on our physics homework?” Lexa asked, chewing around an apple.

“Sure.”  Clarke responded.  The teens silently moved to the couch and opened their books.  Lexa got right to work, and Clarke sat still just thinking about their conversation at lunch.  She still felt bad about dragging her girlfriend around to places she didn’t enjoy.  Sensing some discomfort, the brunette faced Clarke and reached a hand out to her arm.

“Hey, what’s wrong?”

“I just...I feel so bad.”

“About what?”

“What we talked about earlier, at lunch.”

“Ohhhh.” the brunette breathed. “I’m not mad.  I would just rather sit those kinds of things out from now on.  Is that ok?”

“Of course it is.” The blonde stated matter-of-factly. “But” she continued. “ I don’t know, I’ve just been feeling like you’re pulling away from me lately and I don’t know why.  Is that the reason? Or is something else bothering you?”

Lexa just bowed her head and stayed silent.  Clarke knew that meant that it was the latter.

“What’s going on with you?  I could tell something was bothering you but I didn’t bring it up because I didn’t want to push you; but it’s freaking me out now.”

The brunette stayed silent.  She hadn’t told Clarke about the strange run in with Jenna after she’d come home from taking Anya to the airport, or how she’d been spending an incredulous amount of time with her best friend’s mother.  There was no particular reason really.  She just didn’t feel like going into that.  A part of her liked having this for herself.  But the older girl knew she shouldn’t keep secrets and decided now was as good a time as any to come clean.

“I had an older sister.” Lexa whispered.

“Wha- _had_?” Clarke asked, emphasizing the use of the past tense word.

“Her name was Tris.  Short for Tristan, which is a little unorthodox considering how uptight and traditional my parents are.” Lexa paused to collect herself.  “She died about 8 years ago, when I was 9.  Tris was a sickly child, and I was the baby created to save her.  If she needed organs, or bone marrow...blood.  Anything.”

“Lexa...” The blonde said, tears in her eyes. “How old was she when she...”

“10.  I wasn’t enough to save her.”

“It isn’t your fault.”

“I know that...And my parents never treated me like it was my fault, which I expected them to.  But that was when they got really strict.  I mean they always were but after Tris died it’s like the sticks that were already up their asses grew spikes.”

“I’m so sorry your family had to go through that.”

“You don’t have to apologize.  I honestly don’t remember much about her.  She was always in the hospital and they mostly kept me away from her. You know when I was younger my mom used to just stare at me and look kind of spooked and I never understood why, until recently.”

“What happened?  Tell me what’s going on.” Clarke coaxed.

“I should have told you this before but...I don’t know. I don’t really have a good reason why.”

“It’s okay.  You tell me whenever you’re ready.”

Lexa nodded and filled Clarke in on what she’d overheard when she came home that one Sunday and how she’s been hanging out with Jenna a lot lately.  Clarke sighed with relief at hearing about the relationship she’d formed with Anya’s mother.  It seemed like something her girlfriend needed.

“Jenna was showing me pictures she had of me and Anya as kids.  Some with just me, some just her, some with our respective parents...and then there was one picture of me when I was 8 and I was wearing a dress I didn’t recognize and I was at Disney Land.  Which I don’t remember at all.  But it wasn’t me, it was Tris.  We were almost identical, it’s weird.  I compared our childhood pictures and most of the time I couldn't tell which one was me and which one was her."

Clarke was stroking Lexa’s back, hanging on to her every word.  There was so much she didn’t know about her girlfriend.  Her childhood, her past experiences, her thoughts, her fears.  In fact she didn’t know much of anything negative about Lexa.  Sure the brunette shares happy stories and talks about the future: her hopes and dreams.  But Clarke can’t remember a single instance of Lexa talking about having a bad day, or a bad moment.  Unless she’s actually there for it, the blonde hasn’t a clue of when her girlfriend is upset.  This is the first time she’s ever opened up this much all at once.

“I’ve been wondering if my mother looks at me and sees the daughter that she lost.  I wonder if she’s so horrible because part of her heart was torn out.  But I also wonder what really happened because Jenna said she changed long before Tris was even born.  I’ve just been so confused, Clarke.  I don’t know how to feel about anything.”

“It’s okay, baby.” Clarke said, and wrapped her arms around the taller girl.

“I wanted to tell you sooner, but I know how much you care and I didn’t want to worry you.”

“Well, you were right. I care about you more than you realize.  And I’m a worrier: I worry and stress absolutely everything irrationally, it’s just my personality.  Bottling these things up isn’t healthy though.  You can always talk to me, I can handle it.”

“I know that now...” Lexa paused “I have one more thing to tell you.”

“What is it?”

“I kind of told Raven already.”

Clarke pulled back a little and Lexa didn’t miss the pang of hurt flash across her face.  She moved away and stared straight ahead, looking sad as ever: which in turn made Lexa sad.

“I didn’t tell her everything.  Just that I’ve been spending time with Jenna and it’s been good for me.”

Clarke turned her head to look at the brunette with misty eyes.

“No no no.”  Lexa scooted closer to her girlfriend, put her arms around her shoulders, and rested her forehead against her temple.  “Please don’t be mad.”

“I’m not mad.  I’m just hurt: why don’t you trust me?”

“That’s not it at all.  I trust you more than anyone in the whole world.  I should have come to you right away, but I didn’t want to burden you with my silly problems.”

“They aren’t silly.  I don’t think anything you’re feeling or going through is silly.”

“I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

“I don’t like that you were hiding things from me...but I guess i’m glad you had someone to talk to about it.”

“Not really. I didn’t tell Raven about Tris, or what happened at my house, or what me and Jenna talk about.  I told her I was hanging out with Jenna because I knew that it didn’t have to be anything more than that.  But with you it’s different.  When I start spilling my guts to you, absolutely everything comes out of it’s own free will.”

Clarke smiled but it didn’t reach her eyes.

“Hey.” Lexa nudged the blonde’s cheek with her nose and then kissed it a few times before continuing.  “I love you.”

Clarke audibly gasped and stopped breathing momentarily.

“You know that, right?” Lexa asked.

“N-No.” the younger girl stuttered.

“Well now you know.  I love you so much.  This isn’t how I wanted to tell you, but I don’t want you doubting how I feel about you.  You’re my favorite person to be around, I trust you the most, I care about you the most, and I love you the most.”

Clarke broke down and started sobbing uncontrollably.  She turned her whole body towards Lexa and pulled her into an extremely wet kiss, which the brunette didn’t really mind.  But the sudden onset of tears really caught her off guard.

“Are you ok?” she asked when they pulled away.  Using the pads of her thumbs to wipe away tears that came just as fast as she got rid of them.

“I’m sorry.  That was just a lot to take in and i’m about to start my period so i’m really emotional right now.  I’ve been trying to hold it together, but you said you loved me and I lost it.”  Another sob escaped the blonde’s chest and Lexa started laughing.  Clarke was always a blubbering mess a couple of days before and all the way through her cycle, anything could make her burst into tears.

“I’ll go to the store and get your peanut butter and twizzlers.”  Lexa stated and immediately put her shoes on and headed toward the front door.  Before she could leave, Clarke grabbed her by the waist and turned her around: pressing her back against the door and kissing her soundly.  It still tasted like her tears.

“You’re amazing: I love you, too.”

“I know you do.” Lexa smiled and left to get all things her girlfriend needed to make it through the next 7 days.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I AM SO SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG. I have no excuse. I made it twice as long to make up for taking forever.
> 
> So this chapter is a little heavy. Please let me know if you're confused about anything or have questions.
> 
> When you think Indra (Adina Porter) you might think of her character on The 100 but I recommend looking her up, because IRL she looks like the she'd be the wisest/sweetest soul you'd ever meet. Like she'd burn sage over your heart to purge any negative thoughts or emotions. And this is an AU Story so i'm writing her to be an awesome character.
> 
> That being said...  
> 1\. What do you think of Indra being Raven's adoptive mom?  
> 2\. What do you think of the dynamic between Jenna, Joseph, and Elizabeth (I know I haven't written much into them yet, but what do you guys think about them so far?)  
> 3\. How can Lexa be so strong and level headed? and how do you think she's going to handle everything when the proverbial shit hits the fan?


	12. A Beautiful Mess

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "What a beautiful mess this is  
> It's like taking a guess when the only answer is yes
> 
> And through timeless words in priceless pictures  
> We'll fly like birds not of this earth  
> And tides they turn and hearts disfigure  
> But that's no concern when we're wounded together  
> And we tore our dresses and stained our shirts  
> But it's nice today...
> 
> Oh The Wait Was So Worth It" - Jason Mraz

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *cough cough*  
> *changes rating to Explicit*

Clarke walked into her house on Wednesday night absolutely exhausted.  It was off season and they had optional practices that had to held later in the day.  She wanted to keep in top form because she wasn’t recruited to the school of her choice and should she be accepted to UCLA, Clarke would try to get a walk on spot on the track team.  She needed to run well in her senior season to be considered so there was no time to slouch.

Clarke noticed her dad in the kitchen awkwardly hovering over the counter.

“Hey” she said to alert him of her presence.  The graying man popped up and whipped around in shock.

“Oh, hey sweetie.” He sighed. “Thought you were mom for a second.”

Clarke looked closely and noticed red sauce on his face.  She peered around his body to see a half eaten meatball sub.

“Dad! I thought you were going to lay off the meatballs, and the cheese, and the bread, and the butter, and-“

“I know, I know.  I’m supposed to be getting healthier: I’m at that age.”

“And you’ve got heartburn and you aren’t 30 years old with a fast metabolism anymore.”

“Alright honey I get it.  I promise from now on I’ll be better.” He said, raising his hands in mock surrender.

“It’s 6:30. We’re having dinner in like half an hour.  You honestly couldn’t wait?”

“I was hungry!” Jake exclaimed.  “I’m still going to eat the um...what is it tonight?”

“I think it’s chicken and red potatoes.”

“They make red potatoes? what’s wrong with regular ones?”

“The red ones are better for you.  And I’m serious, dad.  No more meatball subs, or cheeseburgers, or pastrami, or any other greasy meat sandwich covered in cheese.”

“Yes, ma’am.” He joked. “Is Lexa still planning on coming to dinner next weekend?”

“I think so.  She hasn’t told me otherwise.”

“Good, I’d really love it if she could be there.”

“You really like her, don’t you, dad?”

“I really do.  I’ve grown a little attached.  She’s such a great kid and she deserves a hell of a lot more that what she’s given.”

“Couldn’t agree more.”

“You two aren’t hanging out tonight?  I thought you died if you didn’t spend every waking moment together.”

Clarke deadpanned and scoffed, though part of her really was dying a little. “She’s with Jenna tonight.  We’re spending tomorrow together: and Friday, and Saturday after I finish practice, and Sunday when she gets home from church.”

Jake laughed and patted his daughter on the shoulder. “Oh to be young and in love.” He acted as if he were looking off into the distance. “Luckily that feeling has never faded for me.”

“What feeling?”  Abby had entered, groceries in hand.  Jake moved swiftly to his wife and swept her small frame into his arms.

“The feeling I had when I was 22 and realized I found the love of my life.”

Abby laughed and slung her arms around Jake’s shoulders. “Yeah, it took you long enough.  I thought you’d never catch up.”

Realizing she was long forgotten, Clarke smiled at her parents and moved past them to her room.  She was starting to feel emotional so she grabbed her phone and texted her girlfriend.

 

**Clarke** : I miss you :(

**Lexa** :  I miss you, too.

**Lexa** :  I’ll see you in the morning though.  13 more hours.

**Clarke** : That’s 13 hours too long.  My parents are in the kitchen being all gross and in love and it makes me want to be all gross and in love with you.

**Lexa** :  Lol.  Clarke, we are very gross and very much in love.

**Clarke** :  I meant like in person!  I want you to hold me and tell me how beautiful I am and play with my hair :(

**Lexa** :  You’re out of candy aren’t you?

**Clarke** : ...maybe

**Clarke** : But I still want all of those things.

**Lexa** :  Ok. I’ll pick you up before school tomorrow and bring supplies with me.

**Clarke** :  Supplies?

**Lexa** : Yep.

**Lexa** : Reese’s, Snickers, Hershey Kisses, Lexa Kisses, Toblerone, KitKat...did I forget anything?

**Clarke** :  How have I survived without you for so long?

**Lexa** :  No idea.

**Lexa** :  Clarke, we’re about to have dinner so I gotta go.  I’ll see you tomorrow morning, okay?

**Clarke** :  Alright.  Goodnight, babe.  Have fun.

**Lexa** :  I will.  Goodnight, my love.

**Clarke** :  Looking forward to those ‘Lexa Kisses’ btw

**Lexa** : Haha! Thought you didn’t catch that.

**Clarke** :  oh I’d never dream of missing an offer like that ;)

**Lexa** :  Glad to hear it.  Ok really.  I have to go now.  Love you.

**Clarke** : Love you

 

Lexa didn’t text back, which made Clarke a little sad but she still had the goofiest smile on her face.  She never dreamed she would meet someone as amazing as Lexa.  Sure she seemed super tough and was even intimidating but everything about her was too good to be true.  Lexa didn’t have many friends (3 to be exact), but when she loved she loved hard and with her whole heart.  Anyone who was accepted into her life was luckier than they could possibly know.

She was so amazing, in fact, that Clarke had a hard time thinking of an instance where she’s really done something for her girlfriend.  Lexa was always the one taking the next step in their relationship, she goes out of her way to form relationships with Clarke’s friends and family (despite her semi antisocial nature), and anything Clarke needs Lexa does without question and most of the time without even needing to be asked.

Clarke needed to do something nice for her girlfriend.  “But what?” she thought out loud.

\--------------------------------------

 

They were sitting on Lexa’s bed with their backs against the headboard.  Clarke was doodling (as usual) and Lexa had her nose in a thick textbook. It was Friday evening, and what started out as studying quickly turned into a heated makeout session. Lexa had been biting the corner of her bottom lip with her brows furrowed in that irresistibly sexy way that just drove Clarke absolutely insane.  So the blonde pushed their school materials aside and fused her lips to her girlfriend’s, swallowing the surprised yelp that came with it.

Never one to refuse Clarke anything, the brunette craned her neck forward and kissed back.  Soon enough, Lexa tugged on Clarke’s hips coaxing her onto her lap so they would be in a more comfortable position.  The feeling of Clarke’s torso pressed into her own made Lexa’s temperature spike and that incessant arousal (that made itself known when she started dating Clarke) flared up and she got that aggressive feeling again.  The brunette slid one hand up to cup behind Clarke’s head while the other one stayed in it’s place on her lower back. Lexa detached their lips and pressed soft kisses down her girlfriend’s perfect jawline until she reached the side of her neck, where she lightly bit down.

Clarke moaned loudly and involuntarily rolled her body into the toned one beneath her.

“Mmm, Lex.  You know how I get when you do that.” she breathed out.  But Lexa didn’t stop.  She started alternating between sucking and nibbling, and Clarke was sure that in another 10 seconds she would be soaked through her jeans.  “Seriously, babe.” she gasped out. “I won’t be able to control myself much longer.”

Lexa pulled away just enough to speak: her lips brushing the raw skin with every word she spoke. “Maybe I don’t want you to control yourself.”  she said and switched to the other side, satisfied the marks she’d left.

“Wait what?” Clarke said and forced herself to move back enough to look into Lexa’s eyes. “Does this mean that you’re...ready?”

“I think so.”

“I don’t want you to think, baby.  I need you to be completely sure.  This is a big thing.”

So they’d been dating for 4 months now and all of it was great, save for a few little fights.  Clarke was kind, giving, outgoing, smart, funny, dramatic, artistic, loud, goofy, and had probably the cutest personality Lexa had ever had the pleasure of knowing.  The fact that she’s as beautiful as she is, is just an added bonus.  The best kind of bonus.  Waiting this long to have sex was all on Lexa: it wasn’t that she didn’t want to because she really did.  But it was the way she was raised.  Since getting ’the talk’ at age 12, when she first got her period she was told that waiting until marriage was the only proper way to make love. 

While she did essentially denounce organized religion, a part of her really liked the idea of only giving her body to the person she was bound to forever.  Clarke was aware of these feelings and without missing a beat she had said “If that’s what you want I’ll gladly wait until we’re married.” And that sent Lexa flying because Clarke free-spirited athletic artistic beautiful Griffin, was actually considering spending the rest of her life with Lexa.  Clarke really did seem like forever though.  Even when they had little disagreements or had relatively big fights, Lexa never once thought of not being with Clarke.  She would be mad, yes.  But at the end of the day even if nothing was resolved, they would kiss each other goodbye, and call before they went to sleep to wish each other a good sleep.  It’s so hard to explain: being monumentally angry at someone but still fiercely yearning and being strongly devoted.  That’s what love is, Lexa thought. True love.  The brunette smiled and nodded her head.

“I want to give myself to you. I’m 100% sure.”

“Really?!” Clarke squealed and crushed her lips back against Lexa’s, and the older girl eagerly responded.  She moved her hands under Clarke’s top and lightly raked her short nails against the pale back.

“Mmm.” The blonde moaned as she pulled away. “But we can’t right now.”

And Lexa nodded in understanding. “Yeah, my parents are home.”

“Oh.” the blonde giggled. “I completely forgot about that.  I guess that’s reason number 2 then.  Reason number 1...I’m still surfing the crimson wave and it’s at it’s peak.”

The brunette scrunched up her nose and grimaced.  “Crimson wave? Seriously?”

“Well that’s what it is!”

“I guess it applies when you think about it.”

“I’m surprised we haven’t ridden the wave together yet.”

“My tide rises the week before yours.  Is that a good surfing analogy?”

“Not a surfer but it sounded good.  And you know what else?  You don’t get weird at all when you’re riding the wave: if I didn’t ask I never would have known.  How do you put up with me?”

“I don’t know...” Lexa started. “I kind of like it I guess.  I like taking care of you.  I also think your heightened emotional state is adorable.  I mean you’re already pretty out there but when it’s amplified, it’s pure gold.”

“Hey!” Clarke lightly smacked Lexa on the shoulder. She was still straddling her lap. “What do you mean I’m ‘out there’?”

“There’s that violence thing again.”

The blonde just pouted and crossed her arms.  This just caused Lexa to laugh.

“See! Unnecessary pouting:  absolutely adorable.”

Clarke smiled and moved her arms around her girlfriend’s shoulders, resting their foreheads together.

“You’re such a charmer.” she said. “An ass most of the time, but a charmer.”

Silence fell over two and it was just the slightest bit awkward because there was something new in the air.  They had agreed to make love and it was exciting, but still nerve wracking, especially for Lexa.  It would be her first time and she doesn’t have a clue what to do.  Thinking about it she didn’t know if it would be Clarke’s first time.  They never really talked about sex, aside from the decision to wait until they were both completely ready.

“So, um. When are we going to...?” Lexa asked shyly.

“I don’t know. I don’t think we should plan it; we should just let it happen when it happens.  We’ll know when the time is right.”

The brunette nodded and readjusted her legs underneath Clarke, she was still sitting on them.

“Are you ok with that?  I know you like organization and structure, so we could set aside a time if you want?”

“No, no.  I think spontaneity in this instance will be good.” Lexa agreed.

“Ok. So the next time you’re torturing me with your amazing mouth and I feel like I won’t be able to stop myself from ravishing you, I don’t have to worry.”

Lexa felt a spark of warmth in her lower abdomen at the statement and bit her bottom lip to hold in the small moan that was sure to escape just at the thought of Clarke “ravishing” her.  “I’m going to kiss you now.” she had said, and tangled her fingers in blonde hair before fusing their lips together again.

\-----------------

 

“Wait, so why are you freaking out?”

“Because, Raven, I don’t know anything about sex! I mean I know the female anatomy, but I don’t know how to go about pleasuring it.”

They were in a restaurant having breakfast so she tried to keep her voice down as best she could.  On Saturday mornings, Lexa had practice at 6 and Clarke at 8:30, so she would meet up with Raven afterwards to kill time before they could spend the rest of the day with their respective significant others.

“I know a few of Clarke’s sexual weaknesses, if that helps.”

“I’m sorry.  How exactly do you know this?”

“Not from experience.  We’re friends and she sometimes likes to over share.”

“Oh...Ok, well tell me.”

“Her neck is probably her biggest weak spot.” Lexa definitely already knew that one. “She hates tongues in or on her ear.” The brunette nodded, taking it all in. “She definitely prefers mouths over fingers.”

“So...I’m supposed to...?”

“Lick the kitty.  Yeah.” Raven smirked.

“Oh god.  How do you even, I don’t...”

“You don’t want to?”

“No, I do. I want to please her in anyway possible.  I’m just so nervous: I don’t want to disappoint her.”

“I know your first time is terrifying, but you don’t have to go into the bedroom with an arsenal of secret moves and skills.  You and Clarke love each other, so that makes it special all on its own.  If you’re really this scared just talk about it before hand.  Establish some ground rules: make sure you’re both comfortable with whatever you plan to do.”

“That sounds awkward.”

“It really isn’t.  Trust me.  Talking about it beforehand makes it much more enjoyable than fumbling around without any kind of clue what your partner is and isn’t ok with.”

“Okay.  I’ll talk to her about it later.”

“You guys are going to that fancy dinner right?”

“Yeah, Jake’s birthday is tomorrow but their work schedule is so busy they’re celebrating next weekend.  Abby invited me.”

“So you’re like totally in with the parents.  Great work.” Raven praised

“I didn’t have to do any kind of work, actually.  Jake and Abby have been great since day one.  Though I’m kind of rethinking that since I have to wear a dress and heels.”

Raven scrunched her nose and started laughing.  Lexa in anything other than running shoes or Nike flip flops was a disaster.

“How are you going to do your hair?”

“I don’t know...ponyta-“

“Don’t you dare finish that sentence!”

“What? What’s wrong with how I do my hair?”

“Hopeless, absolutely hopeless.” She groaned and dropped her face in her hands.

“I am not!”

“You’re coming to my house to get ready.  I don’t trust you.”

“I’m perfectly capable of ge-“

“We’re taking the whole day for beauty prep.  Facials, mani/pedi, i’m doing your eyebrows, and I’m going to dress you.”

“That’s not neces-“

“Shut up. No arguing.  When’s the last time you shaved your legs?”

“I don’t know...”

“You don’t know?!  That’s gross.”

“It’s too time consuming and Clarke doesn’t seem to care.”

“You’re going to a fancy dinner.  You will shave: I’m putting you in a sexy dress, and some sexy shoes, I’m doing your eyebrows, and you’re wearing your hair down.”

“But my hair is crazy.”

“Not even.  You have hair people would kill for.  It’s dramatically wavy and naturally voluminous. Hair will be down.  No arguments.”

“Ugh.  You’re worse than Anya.”

“That’s a compliment.  How is she anyway?”

“Busy: she’s only been there a month and she’s already running the place.  We Skype once a week but we barely get to talk anymore.  I miss her.”

“I’m sorry.”

“No it’s alright.  She’s really happy over there, making a life for herself. I don’t think she’ll ever come back.  But I have you here to keep me company so I’ll survive.”

“Awww.” Raven moved to the other side of the booth and threw her arms around Lexa’s shoulders and squeezed her tight. “I knew you loved me.”

Lexa groaned and tried to wriggle out of the tight grasp.  “Come on, Reyes.  Don’t ruin the moment.”

 

\------------------------------

Throughout the next week Raven was utterly ridiculous: giving unsolicited sex advice and rambling on and on about what Lexa was going to wear.  She had dragged her friend to the mall on Friday and spent hours making Lexa try on dress after dress and shoe after shoe, and then going to Sephora and finding the perfect makeup to match the dress and the perfect color nail polish to compliment it as well.  It took them over 4 hours to get everything they needed and Lexa wanted to die by the end of it.

 

**Clarke** :  When are you getting here?

**Lexa** :  I’m still at Raven’s, she’s almost done...I hope.

**Clarke** :  Haha oh boy.  She didn’t go overboard did she?

**Lexa** :  It went well actually.  I never thought of myself as much, but I think I look pretty.

**Clarke** :  You’re the most beautiful creature I’ve ever laid eyes on.  Don’t ever doubt that.

**Lexa** : You have to say that, you’re my girlfriend :P

**Clarke** :  I’m serious, Lex.  You are drop dead, faint on the spot, drool worthy, mind blowingly gorgeous AND sexy.

**Lexa** :  Sexy huh?

**Clarke** :  Oh baby, you have no idea.

**Lexa** : My closet full of sweat pants and t-shirts does have a way of making the ladies swoon.

**Clarke** :  You could wear a trash bag and I’d still want to jump your bones.

**Lexa** : Oh yeah?  If that’s the case, just wait until you see what I’m wearing tonight.

 

Lexa kept texting Clarke while Raven fiddled with her hair and teased her about sexting even though that wasn’t at all what they were doing.  Lexa was just teasing with hints of what she was wearing and Clarke was merely mentioning a few places she wanted to caress her girlfriend’s body...with her tongue.  It was all innocent really. Since deciding to take their relationship to the next level, the two teens had been more bold in their flirtation: in person and through text.  Clarke even offered to send a photo or two but Lexa refused, saying that she wanted to wait so she could undress her girlfriend herself.  It would be sort of like a present.

 

A half an hour passed and Clarke was going crazy in anticipation.  Raven had texted and said that she wouldn’t be prepared for how hot her girlfriend looked and the thought alone ignited a fire within.  She didn’t feel like she could wait anymore, and luckily the doorbell rang.  The blonde practically sprinted to the front door and swung it open.

“Holy shit.” she breathed out at the sight of her girlfriend.  Lexa had on a dark green spaghetti strapped dress that showed off the curve of her hips that Clarke honestly never even noticed was there.  It cut off just above her knees and her perfectly sculpted calves were exaggerated by the black stilettos on her feet.  Her hair was down, a rarity, and it cascaded down over one shoulder in voluminous waves. There was just the perfect amount of cleavage, just a bit more than was shown when she wore a sports bra.  The most breathtaking thing, however, was her eyes - because who’s eyes are actually that deep of a forest green?

“Wow. Just...Lexa you look amazing.  Wow.”

“Thank you” She blushed before checking Clarke out.  She wore the blue dress she’d seen at the first party they went to together with shoes similar to her own.  The dress was extremely tight and very short.  Lexa wasn’t complaining about the view but in the back of her mind she couldn’t help but think it was a little inappropriate for a dinner with her parents.

Clarke, thanks to her also wearing heels, was on equal ground with her girlfriend and only had to lean forward to press a quick kiss to Lexa’s cheek.  She frowned when she realized it was damp.  Clarke pulled back and noticed it was raining outside and actually kind of chilly.  She pulled Lexa inside and closed the door behind them.  Summer was definitely over now: how strange it was to have such rain in Los Angeles, especially considering how dry it’s been lately.

Lexa could smell food, amazing food if her sense of smell were any indication.  Once further in the house, Lexa noticed there were candles everywhere serving as the only source of light, the dinner table was set for 2 with their fancy plates and cups, there was soft music playing in the background: when Lexa was about to ask what was going on, Clarke appeared in front of her with a single sunflower in hand.

Lexa smiled softly: they were her favorites.  “I got rained on.”

“I can see that.” Clarke said.  She was very well aware of it actually. She’d be lying if she said she wasn’t tempted by the few droplets adorning the perfect body in front of her.  “Are you cold?”

“No.  It only started sprinkling when I got out of the car, I’m fine.” Lexa stated.  “Where are you parents?”

“They had some kind of emergency and had to leave town for a couple of days.” she stated simply and offered up the flower. “I hope this is ok...I don’t want it to seem like I’m trying to seduce you or anything.  I just thought we haven’t really had a proper date night in a long time and I wanted to surprise you.”

The brunette smiled and twirled the sunflower between her fingers once and moved in to press a rough kiss to Clarke’s lips.  “This is more than ok.  I love it.”

With her arms around her girlfriend’s neck, Clarke sighed in relief and said “Good, because I really missed spending time alone with you.”

Lexa chuckled and rolled her eyes. “I saw you at school yesterday.”

“Yeah we saw each other but we weren’t alone and afterwards you were with Raven, and you were with her all day today too.”

“Ugh, don’t remind me.  She made me go shopping and then spent all day trying to beautify me.”

“Well you are very beautiful.  You already are without all the primping but I’m not complaining about this either.”

“Smooth talking me, are you?”

“Me?! Never!” Clarke gasped dramatically.  “Come on: I made dinner.”

The blonde dragged her girlfriend by the wrist and sat her down in front of the set table.  She then went to the kitchen and came back with a blue pan in hand.

“You actually made something?” Lexa asked quizzically. “Am I going to find Cheetos and pretzels held together by cheese whizz in there?”

“Oh come on! I’m not that bad.”

“I beg to differ.  For an athlete you eat horribly.”

Clarke simply offered up a glare before going back the kitchen one last time and returning with a chilled bottle of cider.  She popped it open and poured some into each of their glasses.  “It’s not champagne.  I know you don’t drink.” She said before Lexa could ask.

“Knowing my thoughts before I can even say them out loud.  Hashtag relationship goals.” the brunette laughed when her girlfriend rolled her eyes.  “So what’s for dinner, Mrs. Gordon Ramsey?”

“Lasagna.”

“Ohhh.  That sounds good.  What else?”

“Um...That’s it.  Except for desert.” Clarke blushed.

“What’s for dessert?”

“Chocolate chip cookies.” she whispered.

“So we’re having lasagna, apple cider, and cookies...”

“It’s kind of pathetic but you know I can’t really cook.  My mom put the lasagna together: all I did was put it in the oven, and I got the cookies from the store.  I’m not good at the meal thing.”

“I know you aren’t.  But I’m thoroughly impressed.  Abby’s lasagna is my favorite and I do have a soft spot for cookies.”

“I tried to get things you would like.”

“Why cider then?  Regular apple juice is like my life force.”

“I was trying to make it fancy.  I didn’t think it would be very romantic to serve something you could drink out of a juice box.”

Lexa took it upon herself to distribute food onto their plates, enjoying her girlfriend’s slight embarrassment about their dinner. 

“You can get wine in a box, soy milk in a box, coffee in a box, protein drink in a box…”

“Maybe you could avoid being a smart ass at least _some_ of the time?”

“Don’t count on it, babe.” Lexa retorted sarcastically with a wink.

 

Truth be told, Lexa would have been perfectly ok with pretzels and apple juice but it was more fun to tease Clarke.

 

“So how’s Jenna?  You don’t talk about her much.”

“She’s good.  Misses Anya a lot.  We just talk, you know?  Kind of like you and me but she feels the need to give advice about absolutely everything even if I don’t ask.”

“That’s what moms do.  Welcome to my world.”

“I sort of like it though.  Is that weird?”

“Not at all.  Everyone needs an over involved mother figure at some point in their life.”

Lexa nodded her agreement as they finished eating.  It had been almost a month and half since doing something like this.  They’d both missed it: just being together, talking about any and everything, and the witty banter.

The brunette grabbed their dirtied plates and headed for the kitchen.  Clarke grabbed the pan of lasagna and followed after her.  She had started doing dishes as she normally did after eating at the blonde’s house.

“You don’t have to do that.”

“You made dinner, I do dishes.”

“I didn’t actually make anything, remember?”

“Even so. It’s the principal.”

Clarke quickly covered the left overs and tucked them into the fridge.  She grabbed a cookie and popped it into her mouth before moving behind her girlfriend and grabbing a hold of her waist with one hand: resting her chin on the normally taller girl’s shoulder.

“So?  Netflix and chill?”

“Clarke.” Lexa giggled. “You’ve got to let go of this obsession.”

“Never.” She tickled the brunette’s sides, and that made them both laugh all the harder.  Lexa turned around and flicked the suds from her finger tips into Clarke’s face.

“Hey!” The blonde shouted and reached into the sink to collect some suds of her own and do the same.  They flicked bubbles and water at each other until Lexa forgot what shoes she was wearing and rolled her ankle.  She shrieked at the slight pain and was about to go down but luckily Clarke caught onto her shoulders in time.

“Are you ok?”

“Yeah, I think so.  Me and heels...not such a good idea.” Lexa said through gritted teeth.  Clarke slung an arm around her shoulder to help Lexa stand up straight.  “It’ll wear off I just need a few minutes.”

Clarke leant down and tucked her free hand behind her girlfriend’s knees and quickly swept her up bridal style.

“Sometimes I forget how strong you are.” Lexa smirked.

“I think you also forget how tiny _you_ are.” the blonde retorted. “Do you need ice?”

“No, I’m fine, really.  I just need to never wear these shoes again.”

“I think you’re right.”

Lexa pulled Clarke in closer, if possible and rested their foreheads together.  Their eyes locked and Lexa suddenly felt hyper aware of how her body was pressed into Clarke’s and she wanted desperately to feel more.

“Lets....Lets go to your room.” she whispered so quietly and quickly.  If they hadn’t been so close together, Clarke would have missed it all together.  The blonde’s cheeks flared a bright red and her mouth went dry with a thirst that could only be quenched by the girl resting so effortlessly in her arms.

“Are - are you sure?” the blonde stuttered

“Completely.”

Clarke’s feet started moving of their own accord and she was thankful because her brain had practically short circuited. 

After what seemed like forever they made it down the hall and Clarke kicked her door shut behind her even though no one else was home.  She sat Lexa down on the end of the bed a kneeled in front of her.  She slipped the brunette’s shoes off one at a time and placed a kiss on the inside of the ankle she rolled and placed several more on her calf and just above her knee before moving all the way up and fusing their lips together quickly.  She pulled back to gaze once more into her girlfriend’s eyes fully.  Lexa tucked her bottom lip into her mouth and seemed to be just as eager as the blonde.

Clarke’s heart hammered erratically in her chest and she knew the wait would be so worth it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Sips wine and waits for angered responses*


	13. Do It To Me?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Do it to me I guarantee you won’t regret it let me set it out like you ain’t never had it.   
> Do it to me I want you to grab me, talk to me, tell me how you like it when you want it, when you all up on it.  
> Do it to me I’m gonna give it to you, I’m gonna make this a night to remember. " - Usher

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No plot. Just pure filth. Enjoy, pervs ;)

“Lets....Lets go to your room.” she whispered so quietly and quickly.  If they hadn’t been so close together, Clarke would have missed it all together.  The blonde’s cheeks flared a bright red and her mouth went dry with a thirst that could only be quenched by the girl resting so effortlessly in her arms.

“Are - are you sure?” the blonde stuttered

“Completely.”

Clarke’s feet started moving of their own accord and she was thankful because her brain had practically short circuited.   
After what seemed like forever they made it down the hall and Clarke kicked her door shut behind her even though no one else was home.  She sat Lexa down on the end of the bed a kneeled in front of her.  She slipped the brunette’s shoes off one at a time and placed a kiss on the inside of the ankle she rolled and placed several more on her calf and just above her knee before moving all the way up and fusing their lips together quickly.  She pulled back to gaze once more into her girlfriend’s eyes fully.  Lexa tucked her bottom lip into her mouth and seemed to be just as eager as the blonde.

Clarke’s heart hammered erratically in her chest and she knew the wait would be so worth it.

Lexa tangled her fingers in soft blonde hair and pulled Clarke’s head in closer.  She swiped her tongue along her girlfriend’s lower lip and moaned when it was abruptly sucked into Clarke’s mouth.  Lexa grabbed onto the back of her girlfriend’s thighs and tried to pull her atop her own lap but was stopped when Clarke pulled back.

“What? What is it?”

“This dress is really tight.  I can’t move.”  Clarke stood up and kicked her shoes off. “Still want to unwrap me like a present?” she drawled out and slowly started to undo the side zipper of her dress.

The brunette smiled and bolted to her feet, ankle be damned, and slapped her girlfriends hands out of the way.  Lexa’s own shaky hands moved up to finish what had been started.  The small amount of skin shown through the slit in Clarke’s dress only spurred her on more.  Lexa slipped the single strap down Clarke’s shoulder and slowly pulled the top down over her girlfriend’s chest and let the dress rest at her hips for a moment before letting it pool around her feet on the floor.

The brunette took several seconds to admire the art before her.  Clarke’s black strapless bra and lacey matching thong left little to the imagination.  Her body was immaculate, especially her thighs.  Strong from years of running and weight training.  Lexa reached out and ran the pads of her fingers from Clarke’s rib cage down to her hips and around her back.  The blonde pushed her nearly naked body into the clothed one and closed the distance between their lips.  They kissed hungrily in anticipation: tongues sliding together and teeth occasionally clicking.  It was growing sloppy but they didn’t care.

Clarke let her hands rest at the bottom of Lexa’s dress and traveled them up the back of her thighs and settled on her backside: squeezing the plump flesh and reveling in the way it made the brunette squirm in her arms.  Lexa loved the friction between their bodies but it still wasn’t enough for her.  She remembered a comment Clarke had made a little while ago about torturing her with her ‘amazing mouth’ and knew just what to do to put a little pep in the younger girl’s step.  The brunette disconnected their lips and used her hands to move Clarke’s head to the side a little so she could sink her teeth into the delicate flesh of her girlfriend’s neck.  She nibbled, licked, and sucked her way from the base near her collarbone all the way up to just under the blonde’s ear and earned several moans of approval.  
Lexa pulled back and admired her work: a line of hickeys adorned a porcelain neck, some darker than others.

“You know...I think you may be over dressed.” Clarke said lowly before leaning forward to press her lips to the center of Lexa’s chest.

“Mmm. I think you’re right.”

Clarke easily slipped Lexa’s dress over her head and tossed it out of sight and mind.  She half expected there to be a sports bra over the girl’s chest but there was a very fancy looking demi cup covering her petite breasts, and her underwear matched as well.  They were cheeksters, from what Clarke could tell by looking at the front of them.  
Lexa’s earlier boldness seemed to be fading fast under watchful blue eyes.  “I uh...am I...Ok?”

  
Clarke furrowed her brows trying to figure out what exactly was being asked of her.  But then she saw the sheepish look on her girlfriend’s face and understood perfectly.  She grabbed both the girls hands and forced green eyes to look into blue ones.“You are absolutely perfect.”

  
Lexa accepted the answer and stared at the body before hers.  She wanted to touch it...to do anything but she didn’t know what to do or where to start even.  Clarke was standing in front of her half naked and Lexa was frozen: nerves getting the better of her.

“Clarke...could we...talk? Maybe?”

The blonde was a little alarmed by the question. Maybe her girlfriend wasn’t ready yet.  “Are we moving too fast?”

“No.  I want to do this, I really do.  But I have no idea what I’m doing: I mean you’re standing in front of me half naked and you’re gorgeous and I don’t know where to start or how to...pleasure you.  And you’ve done this before so I have to measure up to that person.  So I thought that maybe you could tell me what you want because I really don’t want to disappoint you.”

Clarke quirked an eyebrow and stepped fully into Lexa’s personal space.  “You’re cute when you’re nervous.”  She said as she reached behind her to unhook her bra and let it fall to the floor.  Lexa’s face immediately reddened and she felt like she could pass out.

“Don’t be afraid.” Clarke said.  She grabbed both of Lexa’s hands and placed the palms on her breasts. “I’m really sensitive here.  Especially my nipples.  You can be a little rough with them.”

Lexa nodded and started kneading the plump mounds.  Clarke moaned softly and the brunette could feel her nipples quickly stiffening against the center of her palms.  Clarke pulled Lexa in by the hip with one hand and weaved her other in dark hair to bring their lips together once more.  Spurred on by the movement, Lexa massaged the breasts in her hands harder and tugged slightly on the nipples that had slipped between her fingers.

“Just like that.” Clarke moaned.  She was disappointed her girlfriend pulled away but another moan ripped from the back of her throat when she felt soft lips attach the the pulse point on her neck.  Lexa was a natural and Clarke felt herself quickly heating up.

Feeling more confident, the brunette started moving her lips lower.  Traveling along a pale collar bone and over her chest, just above where her fingers were still working.  The brunette pulled back and stared at Clarke’s breasts.  She dropped her hands and licked at her bottom lip: she wanted to taste them, but was afraid her girlfriend wouldn’t like it.

“Do it.  Use your mouth.” the blonde panted. “Just not too much teeth okay?”

Lexa nodded and walked them both backwards.  She sat on the bed and crawled up towards the head, Clarke followed, never more than a few inches away.  She sat on Lexa’s lap and couldn’t resist kissing her again.  Their tongues twisted together so familiarly and Clarke couldn’t help but think of how many times they’d been in this position and how just their intentions made the biggest difference in how it felt.  Their mouths were sloppily sliding together: they were too eager to perform any kind of uniformed motion.

Lexa slid her hands from Clarke’s waist, down to her back side and squeezed the naked flesh.  She had grabbed the blonde’s ass before, but it was much more satisfying without anything covering it.

“You have a fantastic ass.” she groaned between kisses and gave it another hard squeeze.  Clarke involuntarily ground her hips down into Lexa’s: her clit brushed into the taller girls stomach and the heat in the pit of her belly spiked significantly. 

“Eager, are we?” Lexa asked teasingly. The younger girl only moaned in response.  It seemed like she knew exactly what she was doing to Clarke.  She had barely done anything and the blonde was practically melting in her arms.  Lexa grabbed onto Clarke’s backside one last time to support her and flipped them so she was the one on top.  Clarke had told her to use her mouth and she fully intended on doing so.

Lexa had to force herself not to just sit there and stare for the umpteenth time tonight.  She placed her hands on Clarke’s rib cage and leaned down to press her lips to the center of her chest and moved them to one side.  She kissed and nipped her girlfriend’s breast, leaving marks in her wake.  Finally, Lexa wrapped her lips around a stiff nipple and circled her tongue around it.

“Oh god.” Clarke called out, her back arching off the bed. “That feels so good, baby.”  She placed her hands on the back of her girlfriends head to force her to stay where she was.  The brunette was happy to remain for a while longer.  Clarke’s flesh was soft and velvety on her tongue: her moaning causing an aching throb to form between her legs.  Lexa kissed her way to the other breast and treated it much the same.  Remembering her girlfriend’s request to be gentle, she grazed her teeth over stiff peaks and bit down lightly as she pinched the other between her fingers.

“Ah, fuck!” Clarke screamed out. “Do that again.”

And she did: again, and again, and again.  And Clarke felt like she was losing her mind because it felt amazing and Lexa probably didn’t even know that she was rubbing her pubic bone into the blonde’s sex.  It was all too much and not enough at the same time.

“Baby.” Clarke panted out. “I’m so wet, I need you to touch me.”

Lexa sucked on the now reddened nipple one last time and lifted her head.  She nodded slowly and looked down to Clarke’s underwear.  Her cheeks and neck covered in a blush once more at the thought of sliding the little black piece of cloth down those gorgeous legs.

Lexa slipped her fingers under the sides of the waistband and looked up into blue eyes to make sure she had permission.  When Clarke nodded she started pulling on the lacy material: the blonde lifted her hips to help get them off.  Once her underwear was discarded Lexa took in the full naked form of Clarke.  From her glazed over eyes, to her breasts covered in bite marks, to her flat stomach, to her strong thighs, and her clean shaven sex.  Open and pink: dripping with arousal. Literally.  
Clarke opened her legs a little wider in anticipation, Lexa noticed.  But here she was again with no clue what to do.  But she wouldn’t let nerves and inexperience get the best of her.  So she placed her hand on Clarke’s inner thigh and started rubbing small circles.  Her hips jerked a little in response to the light touch and the brunette felt a little more sure of herself again.  She leant down and kissed the top of Clarke’s stomach, and then her ribs,  her belly button, and her lower abdomen.   All the while moving her hand closer to her girlfriend’s heated center.  Close to the apex of her thighs, Lexa’s fingers grazed over a wetness that had likely spilled down her milky flesh earlier.

“Please.” Clarke begged.  “Stop teasing me.”

Lexa smirked at her girlfriend’s writhing body and slipped her fingers a little higher.  She ran the pads of her finger through Clarke’s slit once.  The blonde groaned and rolled her hips up.  Lexa ran her fingers through again and moved back down to tease her opening.  Clarke’s breathing became labored and jagged.  She had never been this turned on before.  Lexa’s fingers circling her entrance made her hips jerk and her lower abdomen tighten, and when those fingers slid up to her clit and pressed down Clarke came dangerously close to coming right then and there.

“Fuck. Oh god, Lexa.  Don’t stop.”

The brunette kept moving her fingers around Clarke’s bundle of nerves and shifted so her body was hovering the trembling sweaty one resting on the bed.  Lexa kissed up the side of Clarke’s neck that wasn’t covered in bruises and then crushed their lips together.  The blonde sunk her fingers into her girlfriend’s back: clutching tight because needed to hold on to _something_.

“More. I need more.” Clarke said as she detached their lips. “I need you inside me.”

Lexa rested her forehead against Clarke’s and nodded her head. “Ok.”

She slid her hand down until she could feel the opening of her girlfriend’s pulsing sex.  She slipped the tip of her middle finger in to test the waters.  Clarke bit down on her bottom lip in anticipation, so Lexa took that as her queue and slid her slender finger all the way in.

“Mmm.” Clarke groaned. “Another one.”

The brunette slowly added another digit and reveled in the way Clarke clenched deliciously around her fingers.  She pressed them towards the upper wall against a rough patch she could feel and the blonde cried out, holding onto her back even tighter.  Lexa smirked, knowing she had already found THE spot.  She started sliding her fingers in and out: Clarke’s juices making it effortless.

“Yes.” the blonde breathed as her girlfriend began to pick up the pace.  “Faster, baby.  Faster.” she said.

Lexa continued her ministrations making sure to press that tender spot every few strokes.   Clarke was breathing heavily into her mouth, their bodies slick with a light sheen of sweat.  Lexa herself felt like she was going to explode if she wasn’t touched soon. But it wasn’t about her right now, it was about Clarke.

“So close.” she whispered into Lexa’s ear. The brunette quickened her pace and curled her fingers harder within her girlfriend’s hot wet walls.  Clarke was starting to clench tighter so it was a little harder to move.

“Oh, fuck. Don’t stop.” She moaned.  Clarke’s hips thrusted down to match every one of Lexa’s strokes and her clit ground into the brunette’s palm.  The coil in Clarke’s lower abdomen was wound so tight and it was sure to explode any second.

Lexa pulled her body back and latched her lips and teeth over one of Clarke’s nipples and that was enough to send her careening over the edge.

“Ah! Oh god. I’m coming, I’m coming!” Clarke cried out.  Her walls clenched around Lexa’s fingers, halting all movement.  The blonde clutched the sheets around her body as the waves of orgasm washed over her.

“Keep going.” she panted out. “But slowly so I can ride it out.”

Lexa’s fingers started up again, slowly like she was instructed.  She could feel Clarke’s sex spasming around her.  When it finally stopped she started pulling out but stopped when Clarke grabbed her wrist. 

“Not yet, it’s too sensitive.”

Lexa nodded and moved her head up to hover over her girlfriend’s.

“Did I do ok?”

“Are you kidding?  You were amazing.  Are you sure you’ve never done this before?”

“I can’t take all the credit.  You were telling me what to do.”

Clarke grabbed onto Lexa’s face and pulled her down for another kiss.  “Only at first.  The rest was all you.”

The brunette smiled bashfully.  “Can I ask you something?”

“Of course.  Anything.”

“Would you have liked it better if I had...used my mouth instead?”

“Um...I don’t know.  Your tongue is very talented but your fingers did the job just fine....why?”

“I was just curious.  Would you ever want me to do that?”

“Lex, that’s up to you.  I’m more than ok with you doing that but only if you really want to, ok?”

She just nodded and gestured to her hand. “Should I pull out now?”

“Oh.  Yeah, go ahead.”

Lexa extracted her fingers slowly.  Clarke groaned, still feeling sensitive from her orgasm.

The brunette looked at her fingers and hand: glistening with her girlfriend’s wetness.  She remembered Raven telling her that Clarke liked mouths more than fingers and she definitely wanted to do that for her.  She was curious about what it would taste like and she had a sample on her fingers...without thinking much of it, Lexa shoved her fingers in her mouth.

Clarke’s eyes widened and her face heated with a blush.  She hadn’t seen that coming at all. She watched as Lexa sucked every trace of arousal from her fingers.

“Hm.” The brunette hummed. “I like it.”

“R-Really?”

“Mhm.” Lexa nodded and lodged her fingers back in her mouth for minute before an idea popped in her head. “Clarke.” she said seductively and moved to sit between her legs. “I couldn’t help but notice...you’re a mess.” She pushed her legs further apart and hovered over Clarke’s sex. “I think we should get you cleaned up.”

The night had been a little confusing to say the least.  Lexa had fluctuated between confident and unbearably shy: but right now her confidence was unwavering and her playful talk had Clarke ready for round two already.  The blonde was rendered speechless, so she just nodded and audibly gulped.

Lexa’s tongue darted out and licked the wetness from Clarke’s inner thighs first. Sucking as she went along to leave more marks.  Once satisfied she stared directly between he girlfriend’s legs, fully appreciating the aesthetics close up.  Clarke’s hot arousal was radiating from the still soaked flesh, tickling her nose.

“You smell almost as good as you taste.” Lexa stated boldly. When she heard a moan and saw more wetness dribble out of her girlfriend’s sex, the brunette couldn’t help but plunge her tongue deep between Clarke’s soft folds.  It was even better from the source.  Lexa licked and sucked Clarke’s inner lips and her opening, moaning into it.  Clarke was savory and amazing, the feeling of being this close overwhelmed all of Lexa’s senses.  Her nose bumped into the blonde’s clit with every stroke and Clarke was a whimpering mess: she was still reeling from her first orgasm and a second was on the horizon.  She had her hands buried in thick brown locks and her chest was heaving up and down. Clarke could feel it everywhere. Her pussy was pulsing, the backs of her thighs down to her toes were tingling, and her heart thrummed so hard she thought it might give out.  She wasn’t able to make any coherent sentences let alone words.

Lexa pressed her tongue down hard and dragged it from the bottom of Clarke’s slit up to her clit and pulled it between her lips.

“Shit!” the blonde shouted and propelled into an upright position: her legs squeezing around her girlfriend’s head.  She had come so fast and so hard without any warning.  Lexa lazily licked a few times more to make sure there was no mess...and maybe because she was enjoying herself way too much. 

Clarke fell limp to the bed and laughed throatily.  “Wow.”

“Yeah?” Lexa asked laying her head on her girlfriend’s shoulder.

“Definitely.” Clarke said playfully.  She wouldn’t let Lexa know it, but she was a little worn out.  “Now I can’t just let you show me up like that.  I’ve already come twice now and you aren’t even completely naked.”

“And do you plan on fixing that?”

“You bet your sweet ass.” Clarke said and rolled over so she was hovering over the brunette.  She leaned down to capture full lips with her own and could taste herself on Lexa’s tongue.  Without breaking the kiss, Clarke guided one hand from Lexa’s neck to the center of her chest where the clasp of her bra was.  It quickly came undone and fell open.  Clarke pulled back slightly to look into Lexa’s eyes.

“I’m gonna go slow, okay?  If I do anything you don’t like, promise you’ll tell me?”

“I promise.”

Honestly there wasn’t anything Lexa could think of that would make her uncomfortable.  She wanted any and everything Clarke had to offer, and she’s wanted it badly since the first time they kissed.  The blonde’s lips were on Lexa’s neck and it was searing into her skin.  Clarke’s hands were softly gliding around her upper body, everywhere except her breasts.  She would kiss over Lexa’s chest and slide her tongue across the older girl’s collar bone: nip with her teeth and soothe with kisses. Clarke was going slow and being gentle because it was her girlfriend’s first time and the thought was appreciated but it wasn’t enough. Lexa was growing impatient so she grabbed her girlfriend’s hands roughly.

Clarke looked up questioningly. “Are you ok?”

“I’m not made of glass, Clarke.”  Lexa stated, hoping she would get it.  And it seemed to do the trick because one moment the blonde was just staring and the next she had pressed her body completely into Lexa’s.  Their chests rubbed together and they kissed like the horny teenagers that they were.  Clarke bit down hard on Lexa’s lower lip and grabbed her left breast simultaneously: massaging it roughly.  Lexa felt a new wave of wetness between her legs, making her panties cling to her sex.

“Yes.” Lexa hissed.

Clarke reluctantly broke their kiss and brushed her lips over Lexa’s ear. “So you like it rough.” she said lowly

The brunette could only respond with a groan.  Clarke smirked and swooped down to suck a dusky nipple into her mouth: forgoing any kind of teasing. 

“Ah! god, that’s amazing.”   Lexa moaned.  Her body rolled up of it’s own accord into the one above it, seeking any kind of friction.  The blonde used her hands to push Lexa’s hips back into the bed and shoved a knee quickly between her legs.

A surprised yelp left the brunette’s mouth and she threw an arm over her face to muffle the sounds escaping the back of her throat.  Clarke’s mouth was all over her chest: sucking and biting, and her leg was rubbing against her still clothed pussy.  No one had ever touched Lexa like this before, it was so new and overwhelming.

“Don’t you dare hold back.” Clarke ordered.  She laced her fingers with Lexa’s and pinned them on the bed next to her head. “I want to hear you scream when you come.”

Lexa let out a heavy breath as her neck was attacked.  The heat between her legs growing hotter, she was matching every thrust of Clarke’s leg with a down grind of her own hips.  Something was building up in her lower abdomen but the feeling was unfamiliar.  All she knew was that she suddenly needed everything to be harder and faster.

Lexa was able to free her hands and clutch one on the middle of Clarke’s back and the other on the leg that she was shamelessly gyrating on.  The brunette pulled Clarke in closer and moved her own hips faster: panting for air and whimpering.

“Oh my-“ Lexa moaned out.

“Are you close?”

Lexa rocked her hips more frantically.  The build up she felt earlier was slowly coming undone and the feeling made her warm everywhere.  It was like an extreme concentration of pleasure that was exploding in her body.  There was no way to describe it or let Clarke know what was happening.  It was so intense, there was nothing to do but cry out: loud and long.  Clarke slowed her pace and Lexa then understood what she meant about riding it out.  She took shuddering breaths trying to recover.  Her entire body felt...ethereal almost. 

“That felt amazing.” Lexa said through labored breathing.

“Glad to be of service.” The blonde said with a grin. “But I’m not done with you yet.  I owe you another orgasm, and I plan on delivering in spades.”  Lexa made a noise that resembled a growl but the blonde didn’t care to analyze it at the moment.  Clarke pushed their lips together for a chaste but rough kiss before traveling south.  She let her tongue glide over the older girl’s chest and over her abdomen: there was a faint line down the middle defining a little muscle.  Clarke found it extremely sexy: Lexa had a little muscle everywhere.  Just enough to be noticeable when she was naked, or when you touched her.

Clarke’s tongue dipped into the hollow of Lexa’s belly button and that earned her a light moan.  She kissed and licked lower stopping to suck on her hip bone, and Lexa jerked off the bed.  A sensitive area to remember.  Clarke used her short nails to lightly rake over tanned skin: her fingers made contact with Lexa’s underwear and she hooked them under the waistband.  She looked up to her girlfriend as she began to slide the green garments down.  Lexa got a panicked look on her face and the blonde stopped immediately.

“Do you want me to stop?” Clarke asked seriously.  Lexa shook her head no and her face turned red. “Are you sure?”

“I just...I’m not as...clean as you are.” she started and Clarke didn’t have a clue what she was talking about. “You know...down there.” Lexa said coyly.

The blonde smiled and shook her head.  “Baby, I don’t care what you’ve got in your pants as long as you’re comfortable with what you have.”

Lexa noticeable relaxed and said “Ok...keep going.”

Clarke tugged on green underwear and they came off easily, revealing Lexa’s dripping arousal.  Lexa’s sex was inviting.  There wasn’t much hair at all, it was trimmed low and only covered the mound.  Her lips and entrance her completely clean. Clarke was finally able to take in her girlfriend’s body and it was better than she ever could have dreamed.  She sat back on her haunches and moved a hand to Lexa’s inner thigh and slid upwards.

“You are so gorgeous.” Clarke said lowly.  When she finally made contact at the apex of her girlfriend’s thighs they both let out shuddering breaths. “And you’re so fucking wet.”

Clarke moved two fingers through Lexa’s slit: collecting her juices and moving to her clit.

“Oh god.” Lexa drawled out.  What they had done earlier felt great but this...being touched with no barriers was something else entirely.  Clarke pushed harder on her clit and started stroking in small circles.  She experimented to see what made her girlfriend squirm and what made her scream.  Moving from side to side seemed to be the deadliest of motions.  Lexa gasped and grabbed at the sheets beside her letting out a choked cry.

“I’m going to put a finger in.  Is that ok?” Clarke asked.  All the brunette could manage was a frantic nod and an “Mhm.”  Her body was on fire and buzzing everywhere.  She was sticky with sweat and horribly out of breath.

Clarke slid a single finger to her girlfriend’s entrance and pushed the tip inside and the rest slowly when she was sure she wasn’t causing any pain.

Having Clarke inside of her, Lexa felt like an itch that she never even knew existed was being scratched.  That lone finger curled inside her and she shook slightly.

“I need more.  Please, Clarke.” Lexa begged.  Her girlfriend gladly obliged.  She slowly slipped in another finger beside the one already within.  Lexa was so incredibly tight: if she weren’t as wet as she were Clarke would have a hard time of it.

The blonde began thrusting slowly so Lexa could get used to the feeling.  When her hips started matching her movements she knew it was safe to speed up.

“So good.” Lexa chanted.  Her hands had moved to clutch the pillow under her head, her eyes were rolled into the back of her head, and if she wasn’t moaning her bottom lip was tucked between her teeth.  The site made Clarke thrust in harder and faster: she used the thumb on her free hand to rub Lexa’s clit.

“Ah! Fuck!” Lexa cried out.  Clarke didn’t think she’s ever heard her girlfriend use that word before. It was so hot and she would do anything to hear it again.  The blonde plunged deeper, curled her fingers harder, and caressed Lexa’s bundle of nerves faster.

“Oh fuck, baby!” Lexa cried out again.  The blonde’s name escaped Lexa’s lips repeatedly.  It was obvious she was close.  Her hips thrashing off the bed and her teeth clenched.

“Clarke, kiss me.” The brunette pleaded.  Clarke propelled forward, leaving both of her hands in place: it was slightly uncomfortable, but doable.  Lexa grabbed either side of her girlfriend’s face and slipped her own tongue into Clarke’s mouth.  Their hot bodies folded together and the pleasure between her legs made Lexa hyper sensitive.  She could smell the essence of their love making and hear the lewd sounds of Clarke’s fingers pounding into her.  When the blonde bit down on Lexa’s lip she lost it. 

“Fuck! Clarke!” Her orgasm ripped through her, every muscle in her body clenching.  Lexa held Clarke as close as she could, whimpering as her spasms subsided.

Clarke kissed her girlfriend’s cheeks, nose, and finally her lips.  She rolled over to the side and pulled her fingers free.  Lexa groaned, still reeling from her release.  The blonde maneuvered their bodies so she could slip the blankets over their sweaty chilling forms.  The brunette cuddled into Clarke’s side, she was exhausted.

“Wow.  So that’s what an orgasm feels like.” Lexa said.

“You’ve never had one before?”  Clarke asked, rubbing circles into her girlfriend’s back.

“No.”

“Not even when you...”

“When I what?”

“You know? When you...touch yourself.”

Lexa’s eyes widened and she laughed.  “I don’t do that...but I take it you do.”

“I mean yeah.  It’s completely natural.  You should try it.”

“Why do I need to when I have you?”

“Fair point…You know I’ve never heard you swear before.”

“I swear sometimes.”

Clarke laughed and shook her head. “Not that I’ve ever heard.  But I think you just said ‘fuck’ 3 times and you called me ‘baby’.  It was weird.”

“Bad weird?”

“Not bad.  You just never call me that or any kind of endearing nickname.  Usually it’s just Clarke.”

“I love your name.”

“And I love it when you say my name.  Especially when you’re coming, it’s so sexy.”

Lexa blushed and buried her face in Clarke’s neck.  It was adorable. Lexa in the throws of sex was bold and a tease, but now just talking about it made her bashful.

“Why do I feel like I just ran a marathon? I’m exhausted.”

“That’s normal.  Do you want to go to sleep?”

“Mhm.  I’ll just close my eyes for a few minutes.” Lexa grumbled.  Clarke kissed the top of her head, knowing she would be fully asleep in a minute or so.

“I love you.”

The only response she got was heavy breathing.  Clarke let weight of her girlfriend and the buzz of post lovemaking bliss lull her to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to post this sooner but I was having trouble with putting it together. One part came easy, the other took a couple days. 
> 
> Hope you guys aren't reading this in class. Also the comments from last chapter were hilarious. Someone called me a turkey, i've never laughed so hard! Lol you guys are so great.


	14. One Sweet Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Never had I imagined  
> Living without your smile  
> Feeling and knowing you hear me  
> It keeps me alive" - Boys II Men (feat. Mariah Carey)

Lexa woke up feeling an unfamiliar surface beneath her body.  A bed that was softer than her own.  She immediately remembered where she was: the previous night’s activities flowing through her mind.  She reached out with her arm but found nothing but empty sheets.  The brunette cracked an eye open to look around the room and groaned seeing Clarke was nowhere to be found.  She slowly sat up: letting the sheets slip from her naked form and realized that it was daylight...morning. Sunday morning.

“Shit.” she said out loud and frantically looked around for some source of time.  The alarm clock on the nightstand said it was 8:15.   She had time to get home and change before having to go to Church at 11:30.  Lexa pulled open the drawer she knew had T-shirts in them and pulled one over her head.  It took her a minute but she found her panties and put those on too before going to the restroom to freshen up and then going to search for Clarke. 

It wasn’t hard to find her.  If the smell of burnt food wasn’t obvious enough, the faint sounds of “dammit” and “ouch” were the next indicators that the blonde was in the kitchen.  Lexa stood back and admired her girlfriend trying to be domestic in her little bathrobe with her straggly hair pulled up in an inefficient bun.  The brunette tiptoed up behind Clarke and slowly slipped her arms around her middle.

“You weren’t there when I woke up.” she said as she placed a soft kiss on the blonde’s neck, smiling as she jumped in surprise before relaxing into her arms.

“I know, I’m sorry.  I wanted to wake you up with breakfast in bed but i’ve been failing at eggs and pancakes for the past 30 minutes” she huffed and threw the plastic spatula she was holding into the  sizzling skillet.

“Ok.” Lexa stated.  She turned off the fire and quickly cleaned up some of the mess Clarke had made.  “I seem to remember some perfectly good cookies that we never got around to eating last night...I think that and a glass of milk would be the best breakfast in bed.”

“But I wanted it to be romantic and...I don’t know.  Not lame.”

“Clarke.” Lexa said matter of factly. “You’re very cute.  But we both know you can’t cook.  You could have brought me a bologna sandwich and I would have thought it was amazing.”

“You hate bologna.”

“Exactly.”

Clarke laughed and shook her head. “Milk and Cookies it is.”

“Great!” The brunette cheered.  “Now I’m going to go back to bed and you’re going to bring me the breakfast of champions.”

The blonde hummed her approval and pulled her girlfriend close by the collar of her shirt and kissed her softly on the lips “As hot as you look in my clothes, I want you naked when I get to my room.”

“Yes ma’am.” Lexa giggled and scurried down the hall.  She pulled off her clothes and got back under the covers: laying on her side facing the door but not pretending to be asleep because that would be silly.

 2 minutes later Clarke walked in holding a tray that had a plate of cookies and one very large glass of milk on it.  Lexa sat up as the tray was placed on the end of the bed.  The blonde quickly pressed her lips to her girlfriend’s temple and raked her short fingernails over her back. “Good morning.” she said playfully.

“Good morning.” Lexa responded with a slight laugh. She turned her head and reached up to pull Clarke’s face in closer so she could kiss her properly on the lips.

 “I didn’t mean to sleep over.  I hope my parents haven’t noticed I’m gone.”

“That reminds me.  Jenna called you this morning and I answered.  Your parents were looking for you and she covered.  Said you weren’t feeling well after dinner with her and crashed in Anya’s room.”

“Oh god.” the brunette groaned. “I’m so glad she’s cool.”

“Yeah...but my question is how she knew to cover for you?”

“She knew I was with you. She texted and asked how the birthday dinner was and I told her that you had changed the plans on me.”

“Wow...and Jenna was really fine with that?  With us being in the house on our own?”

“Her take on it is you’re a respectable girl that can’t get me pregnant.” the brunette shrugged.

“I could always try...” 

The blonde tangled her fingers in thick brown curls and leaned down to fuse her lips to Lexa’s.  Their mouths molded together and their tongues danced easily.  This kiss felt different to both of them: it was somehow deeper than any other they’ve shared.  It was true that sex changes things and whatever it was they were feeling was the best kind of change.  Lexa was constantly baffled and confused by her feelings.  Clarke was an ache in her chest: and not a bad one, not by a long shot.  The brunette could physically feel her girlfriend in her heart and it was pure radiance.  Clarke was light and love and laughter and beauty and happiness: the very definition of the kind of person Lexa never thought she could have.

Clarke deepened the kiss, forcing her tongue into her girlfriend’s mouth, and Lexa suddenly felt a shiver travel up her spine and a heat between her legs.  A groan escaped the older girl’s mouth: her body aroused before her mind had a chance to catch up.

The blonde swiftly slid the sheets covering her girlfriend’s body towards the foot of the bed, happy to discover that she was completely nude.

“You know...I never got to taste you.” Clarke said in a low husky voice. “I don’t think that’s fair”

Lexa couldn’t bring herself to respond, she was so incredibly turned on it took everything in her not to spread her legs like a barbarian.  So she simply nodded her permission and Clarke was on top her in a matter of seconds: kissing, biting, sucking, and licking down her body while discarding her bath robe.  Soon enough, those delicate pink lips were inches away from Lexa’s pulsating sex.  The look of eagerness in Clarke’s eyes and the idea of being pleasured again was driving her insane.  The brunette thrashed her legs a bit and wined impatiently, and Clarke laughed lightly to herself because her normally composed girlfriend just threw a little tantrum.

“Someone's a bit eager."

"Just stop teasing."

"Mmm so demanding." The blonde stated playfully. "You'll have to ask nicely."

"Ugh." Lexa groaned impatiently "Please."

Clarke smiled: that wasn't exactly what she was looking for but she'd let it pass this time.  The blonde set her gaze on the naked wet flesh in front of her, feeling the heat radiating from her girlfriend's aroused sex on her face.  Clarke leaned in and let her tongue lazily swipe across Lexa's center, enjoying the little jump that came along with it.

Clarke stroked ever so lightly a few times more before suddenly diving it.  Lexa nearly sat upright at the shock of pleasure, instantly moaning and becoming out of breath.  Not only was Clarke not teasing anymore: she was licking and sucking with reckless abandon.  The brunette didn't have any time to adjust to the sensation.  An orgasm was creeping it's way to the surface and there was no stopping it.

"Oh god." Lexa moaned. "If you don't slow down I won't last long."

Clarke simply locked her blue eyes with green ones and sped the movement of her tongue. Switching between swirling it in circles and making figure 8s.  Another moan escaped Lexa's throat: she was in so much pleasure she could barely make a sound at all.  Her toes started to tingle and a buzzing sensation traveled up the back of her legs.

"Clarke, I’m so close." she panted out.  That newly familiar coiling sensation in her abdomen returned and her back arched off the bed.  The blonde then slipped a single finger into her girlfriend's sex and curled it upwards.  Immediately after, Lexa cried out as pure ecstasy ripped through her body.

Before anything could be said, Clarke’s phone started ringing.  The blonde groaned and reluctantly pulled away and grabbed her device off of her nightstand.

“I’m sorry, it’s my mom.” she said and answered. “Hey, mom.”

She walked around to the other side of the bed and flopped down, taking a cookie and popping it in her mouth.  Lexa followed suit.

“Yeah everything’s fine.  How’s Thelonious?...Oh no.  How’s Wells handling it?....Okay, well it’s good that you two are there.  He doesn’t have anyone else...Of course I’m going to see Lexa today.”  Clarke winked at her girlfriend who was sitting next to her.  “Never...Milk and cookies...Yes I promise...love you too, mom. Tell dad I’ll text him....K bye.”

The blonde hung up and shook her head.

“What did she say?”

“She said that her friend probably won’t make it.  He’s really sick.”

“What’s wrong with him?”

“Cancer...He’s been holding on for over a year.  Wells is his son.  Mom says he’s had time to prepare so knowing that his suffering is going to end is comforting.”

“They were close?”

“Extremely.  Wells’ mom died when he was 10: after that he and his dad formed this unbreakable bond.  They were really best friends.”  Clarke smiled.

“Like you and Jake.”

“Yeah...Exactly like that.  I don’t know what I’d do if I lost him.”

“He’s really great.  I wish I grew up with a father like him.”

“You have him now.  He loves you.”

“Yeah?”

“Definitely.  He’s told me on many occasions.  If you don’t come over enough he’ll bug me about when he’ll see you again.  I think even my mom likes you more than she likes me.  You wash your dishes and clean up after me...you have manners...you bonded over your love of prunes.”

Lexa laughed and laced her fingers with Clarke’s.  “I love your family...and I love you.”

“We love you too.” The blonde grinned and leaned over to press a soft kiss on Lexa’s lips.

.

.

.

.

.

.

 

Lexa was able to return home undetected and proceed with her regular Sunday routine with her family.

She was helping her mother clean up after dinner, her father having already gone to his study to work, and she watched the older blonde woman.  Elizabeth had her normal 'everything is perfect and I’m a hard-ass look on her face...but today Lexa could see past it.  Her mother was sad and in pain.  The wrinkles in her brow and clenching of her jaw screamed 'mean' but the softness in her eyes and body language said the exact opposite.

"...Mom." Lexa said softly.  And Elizabeth looked up, shocked at being addressed as Mom and in such a soft tone by her daughter.

"Yes, dear?" she replied just as softly.

"Do you want to...talk?"

"About what?"

"I don't know...Whatever's on your mind I guess.  You look like you need to get something off your chest."

"It's nothing, dear.  Nothing I can't handle."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, I just had a bit of a tiff with Jenna.  I don't think we've ever had a disagreement in all of our years of friendship.  Well we've disagreed on things of course, but never actually fought about it."

"What did you disagree on?"

Elizabeth sighed as she put the last cup in the dishwasher. "Please Alexandra, don't worry yourself about it."

Lexa simply nodded and stayed silent for a moment before asking a question she didn't know would be a mistake. "If you don't want to talk about that, then can we talk about Tris?"

Lexa's mother froze in place and seemingly stopped breathing.  Her heart ached in her chest and her knees almost gave out.

"There's nothing to talk about.  She's gone home to our Lord and Savior.  She's watching over us and one day after we've lived the life God has planned for us, we will see her again.  Now don't ever mention my daughter's name again." Elizabeth walked out without so much as batting an eye.  Leaving Lexa a bit stunned.

Elizabeth went up to her room and slammed the door behind her.  Letting a tear fall down her cheek she shook her head and the rest of her body trying to compose herself.  It didn't seem to work so the older woman decided to lay in bed and just rest in private.  But, as she lay in her over-sized bed consumed with the pain of losing her first born, the voices of the past came flooding into her mind.

_ 8 Years Ago _

Lizzy was pacing back and forth.  Waiting for our daughter to come out of her 15th surgery.  If Tris could just make it through this last surgery, then there would be hope...One more surgery ever and we could start living our lives the way we're supposed to.  I wanted to stop my wife from wearing her legs out since she hadn't stopped since Tris went in 3 hours ago: but I was tasked with holding our 9-year-old as she slept peacefully.  She had worn herself out playing with another little girl with light brown hair that was in the waiting room with her father.

We kept little Lexie away from her older sister so she didn't have to see her while she was sick, but with the end of all this sickness it's ok to let them get close now.  The door to the operating room opened and our doctor walked out.  He'd been with us for the last 10 years, keeping our first born alive and helping to bring our second child into this world.  I waited for that signature smile of his that let us know it went well...

But it wasn't there.  He looked heart broken.

.

.

.

Lizzy cried, I cried, Lexie cried because we were crying.  Our youngest child held us because we were sad and she wanted to be strong for us.

"We'll see her again." My wife said in a chant. "We'll see her again, we'll see her again, we'll see her again." she said over and over and over.

"One sweet day, we'll see her again."

Lizzy stayed by Tris's corpse for 4 hours. I could only stomach it for 5 minutes.  We didn't even let Lexie see her.

While we waited in the lobby the little girl Lexie had been playing with earlier was holding her hand.  And I was thankful for that child because in that moment I could barely keep myself together.

 

_ Present Day... _

 

"I'll see her again....I'll see her again...I'll see her again." Elizabeth chanted.  It was all she could do now when she relived the pain of that loss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So as you can probably tell we're about to go into some back story.
> 
> Questions? Comments? Concerns? Complaints? General Feelings?


	15. If I Believe You (Part 1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I've got a God-shaped hole, that's infected  
> And I'm petrified of being alone"
> 
> \- The 1975

Elizabeth was awoken from her sleep by a knocking on the door.  She opened her eyes and looked at the clock on the wall.  It was nearly midnight. 

“Not now, Joseph.” She said weakly.

“It’s not, Joseph.  Lizzy, open up.”

Elizabeth smiled at the nickname, Jenna only used it when she needed cheering up.  The (almost) middle aged woman moved towards the door and winced at how her bones always hurt a little when taking those first few steps after being still for so long.

She opened the door and smiled at the face that greeted her.  She was immediately wrapped in a hug and all the tension that was in her body started to drift away.  There was something about a hug from your best friend that could heal almost anything.

“Lexa called me.  I came when I knew you’d calmed down.”

“Oh dear…Is she upset?”

“No.” Jenna said as she sat on the bed in the middle of the room. “She should be.  But she’s so used to you being horrible, it didn’t really bother her at all.”

“She thinks I’m horrible?” Elizabeth asked in a shocked voice.

“She doesn’t ‘think’ it Lizzy.  You are horrible.”

“I thought you were here to cheer me up…”

“No, I’m here to keep you from ruining your relationship with your daughter.  That means it’s time for some tough love.”

“And I’m just trying to keep her from making the same mistakes I am!  I don’t see the problem with trying to keep my only living child on the right path.”

“But the way you’re acting…this isn’t you! Where’s the girl I used to know?  She’s in there somewhere, I know it.”

“People change.” Elizabeth stated weakly.

“Not this much!  I’ve watched you warp yourself into the very thing you never wanted to be.  Ever since you got married…”

“I only saw the right thing to do and I did it…You got married too, because it was the right thing.”

“You think I got married because I was pregnant?” Jenna laughed mockingly. “I got married because I fell in love.  Because I was excited to have a family.  We had been talking about marriage before I knew I was pregnant with Anya.  Don’t you dare try to make me out to be like you.”

“Either way...same principle.”

Jenna stared in disbelief. The girl she knew all those years ago appeared to be gone.

“I remember when you went through your first real change.  We were still kids and I saw you really discover who you are.  I admired you for it.”

“What?”

“Yeah.  You were completely, 100%, Lizzy King.  You liked what you liked and did what you wanted.  Everyone else’s opinion be damned.”

Elizabeth smiled at the memory.  “Poor Joseph got the butt end of it.  I was so hard on him all the time…”

 

**_ Summer 1985_**

A loud horn honked obnoxiously outside a moderately sized California home.  It was mid-afternoon, and it was positively scorching.

“I wish she would tell her friends not to do that.”

“She’s your daughter, Gregory.  You’re the father: discipline her.”

“She’s your daughter too, Margaret.” He sighed while running his fingers through his salt and pepper hair. “I don’t see why it should only be my job.”

“Because I’ve at least tried!  You don’t do anything about it!”

“Well, what do you want me to do?!  Our daughter has spiraled out of control, I’m out of options!”

Upstairs in her poster covered room, Elizabeth King finished putting on her lip gloss and rolled her eyes as she heard her parents arguing yet again.  She didn’t think she was doing anything wrong or out of the ordinary for a 16 year old girl.  Jenna was downstairs in her car honking her horn non-stop, thinking that it would make her best friend move faster…of course it didn’t.  So Elizabeth spent a little extra time in front of the mirror.

After the teen finally decided she looked good enough, she bounded down the stairs owning her crimped pony tail and shiny sparkly lips.

“Elizabeth, where do you think you’re going?” Margaret asked.

“Somewhere with a large enough body of water for me to jump in and cool down.”

“It’s 4:30.  Bible Study is at 6, you don’t have time to go anywhere.”

“Ohhhh. Yeah, I’m not going.  It’s summer and it’s a Tuesday: I can only indulge you with all that fake Jesus crap on Sundays.”

“Elizabeth Sawyer King! I will not allow such horrible things to be said in this house!”

“You sound incredibly ridiculous.  But, I guess that’s even more reason for me to leave.” She said and headed towards the door. “Later, Dad.”

Lizzy practically ran out the door and smiled at the Toyota waiting to carry her away.  She opened the door to the front passenger side and frowned when she saw the seat occupied.

“Get out, Joey.” She commanded.

“No!  I was here first.” The young boy responded.

“Joseph Woods, if you don’t get out of this seat right now I will talk about my lady problems the whole way there.”

“Ok ok. “ Joey surrendered and got out of the car, moving to the back seat.

Lizzy smirked as she slid into the front and gave her best friend a knowing look.  She always got what she wanted.  Especially with Joey, all you had to do was threaten to talk about periods or ovaries and he couldn’t stand it.  The fact that he was hopelessly in love with the blonde teen helped too.

“Hey, Liz.” Jenna said, leaning over to give her a quick hug.

“Hey.  Where are we going?”

“It’s a surprise.” Jenna smiled, and sped off.

45 minutes later they were somewhere in Malibu.  It was dusk, starting to get dark, when they approached what seemed to be the entrance to some kind of nature trail.

“What is this place?” Joey asked.

“You’ll see.  Come on.”

They all followed without question until they reached an area that was chained off.  The area was restricted after a certain hour, but Jenna didn’t care.  She stepped over the chain and Lizzy followed: because anywhere Jenna went, she went too.  Joey on the other hand was having second thoughts.

“Hey guys.  Should we really be doing this?  Maybe it’s closed for a reason…”

“Oh come on, Joe.  Don’t be such a stick in the mud.  Break a rule or two for once in your life.” Lizzy groaned.  Joseph was a genuinely good guy that didn’t like to do anything that would get himself or the people around him trouble.  But for Lizzy King, he would do anything.  He was more adventurous than he’d ever been in the last 4 years than he’d ever been since he started hanging around her and Jenna. 

“Fine… but if we get caught I’m blaming you two.” He said.

They all traveled past the chain and up a ridiculously steep hiking trail.  They scaled a little rock wall that wasn’t really dangerous at all and finally they were up high with a nice view of the city.  And below them, about 20 feet down was a lake.  All of their surroundings had a calming orange glow from the sunset.

“So are you guys down?” Jenna asked.

“For what?” Joey responded.

“Cliff jumping!” Lizzy answered. “And I’m totally down.” She said while instantly starting to strip out of her clothes.  Joey’s forest green eyes widened at how the teen so nonchalantly shed her clothing. 

Luckily, she knew they would be getting in water wherever they ended up, so Lizzy came prepared.  Wearing a bathing suit beneath her shorts and t-shirt.  Jenna was prepared all the same and stripped out of the casual dress she was wearing.  The two girls automatically clasped their hands together as they stood at the edge of the cliff: excited and terrified.  With one look at each other they knew they were ready and they stepped off the 20 foot drop.

Joey heard 5 seconds worth of loud shrill screaming followed by a big splash.  He rushed over to the edge to make sure his friends were alright.  When their heads popped up and he heard laughter, he let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding.

“Come on, Joey!” Jenna yelled. “The water feels amazing!”

Joey had to admit it seemed like fun, and even though it was almost 6, it was still really hot so the water might feel refreshing.  He took off his shirt and peered into the water below him: a bit too nervous to actually make the jump right away.

“You know he does have a really nice bod…he’s a nice guy, cute face.  Dating him wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.” Jenna said, quiet enough so only Lizzy could hear.

“No.”

“Why not?”

“You know why…” The blonde shook her head. “He keeps pining after me, lying to himself.”

“Well if y-“

“Stop it!” Lizzy snapped.  She took a deep breath to calm the anger that flared up out of nowhere. ”I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine.  I shouldn’t push you.”

They sat in an awkward silence until Jenna realized Joey had yet to jump. “Let’s go scaredy-cat!” she shouted as she swam over to the rope that was attached to the top of the cliff and began to pull herself back up.  Lizzy followed suit and they made their way back to where their friend was still standing.

Suddenly, a light was being shown on them and they heard a man yell something at them.

Jenna quickly gathered her things and instructed her friends to run.  And they did: they scooped up their belongings and bolted back in the direction they came from.  Luckily they saw that they could just slide down a dirt hill rather than trying to scale the little rock wall again.  Taking the time to do that would get them caught.

All 3 teens tumbled down the hill and proceeded to run covered in dirt, pebbles, and remnants of weeds.  Once reaching Jenna’s car they sped off, not bothering to look back and see if whoever was yelling was on their trail or not.

“I didn’t even get to jump.” Joey wined.

Jenna giggled “Next time, Joe.  Just do it: don’t wait so long.” She sighed. “You guys wanna go to Santa Barbara tomorrow?”

“I can’t.  I’ve got youth group.”

“I’m in.” Lizzy said cheerfully.

“You aren’t coming to group? You haven’t gone in weeks.   Everyone misses you.”

“You know I don’t believe in that stuff, Joe.”

“You used to…I mean when we were kids you were there all the time.  Every youth event, it was guaranteed you would be there.  But it’s like the last few years you’ve just lost faith.”

“I didn’t lose anything.  I’m not letting all those mindless drones control me anymore.  I grew a brain. You should do the same…”

“Come on, Liz.  That’s harsh.” Jenna said sympathetically.

“No, don’t worry about it.” Joey said.  “Lizzy has a right to believe in what she wants…but so do I.  And you know what? I’m offended that you insulted me because I live my life a certain way.  I’m a Christian, and I believe that fellowship and prayer works.   If you don’t feel the same way that’s fine, but don’t go around calling people mindless.”

The car went silent for a minute before Joey spoke up again.

“Just pull the car over.  I can walk from here.”

“No Joe.  We’re not that far from your house.” Jenna pleaded

“Exactly.  We’re not far, let me out.  I don’t want to be around her right now.”

“Ok…I’ll call you later.” Jenna said as she pulled over.  Joey got out without saying anything and the two girls redirected to the King house.

“What the hell, Liz?! What’s been going on with you lately?  You’ve been giving Joey so much shit lately and he’s finally had enough.  Are you happy?”

The blonde didn’t say anything.  She knew what she said was uncalled for but for some reason she kept snapping at all the people around her.   Lizzy was angry and couldn’t help but take it out on everyone around her.

Not wanting to deal with her parents, she asked. “Can I stay at your place tonight? Please?”

Jenna didn’t respond: they both already knew what the answer to that question was. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To be continued...


	16. If I Believe You (Part 2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "And if I believe you, would that make it stop?  
> If I told you I need you, is that what you want?  
> I'm broken and bleeding, and begging for help  
> And I'm asking you Jesus, show yourself" - the 1975

Lizzy was wide awake.  The digital clock on the night stand read 2:37am.  Jenna was fast asleep, drooling on her pillow and snoring horribly.  The blonde teen couldn’t help but think of how horrible she was to Joey earlier.  Lately she had been projecting her anger on other people: especially Joseph.  He was nice and could take almost any abuse: of course that was no excuse, but it was what she did.  Lizzy couldn’t bring herself to say anything horrible to Jenna, they were best friends and there was no one else she trusted more.  Pushing her away would be the worst thing in the world.

Being completely restless, Lizzy decided she would just go home.  That way she could at least play around with some music, reorganize her room, or scribble…anything really.  The teen slowly got out of bed and slipped her shoes on: she’d kept her clothes on all night.  Lizzy walked over to the bedroom door and paused for a moment to look at her best friend.  She thought of waking her up to say goodbye or leaving a note, but simply decided to make a swift exit.

Lizzy walked home slowly.  Sure, it may have been a little dangerous at 2 in the morning but it was a relatively quiet neighborhood and the odds of something happening were slim at best.  The blonde eventually made it to her house and shoved the key in the lock and pushed the front door open: exhaling dramatically when she got inside.  Her feet were a little achy from the walk.  There was a rustling sound and the lights suddenly came on.  Her parents had been waiting by the front door in the dark so her mother could dramatically turn the lamp on to reveal their presence.

“Wow.  You should write movies with plot twists like that.” Lizzy said dramatically.

“Elizabeth.  You go out, skip youth group and then try to sneak in at 3 in the morning! Did you really think you would get away with this?!”

“Actually, I wasn’t sneaking.” The blonde said as she slid past her mother to walk up the steps to her bedroom. “I’m going to bed, you can yell at me tomorrow.”

“Elizab” she was cut off by the sound of a slamming door “—Gregory! Say something!”

“Well what do you want me to do?” the older man asked groggily.  He’d obviously fallen asleep while waiting for his daughter to return home “She’s home safely.  That’s all I can ask for at this point.”

Lizzy heard her parents arguing about her yet again.  So she pulled out her big head phones and blasted some of her favorite music from the early 70s, it was 1985 but she couldn’t let herself fall into the new era of music that was coming about…at least not yet.  The blonde reached under her bed and pulled out a tiny electric keyboard.  One small enough to be hidden from her parents: she had always wanted to really learn how to play, but Margaret had told her that the violin was classier.  So if the piano wasn’t classy, of course the proposition for guitar lessons was turned down as well.  So Lizzy collected her allowance money and went out and bought a keyboard for herself.  She taught herself a few melodies and a few songs by ear, but could never really grasp it like she wanted.  She tried to get the bass notes of all the chords that were playing in her ear to match up with her piano.  It had been a couple years of her working on it, but without someone to really teach her, Lizzy was just stuck.

The blonde stayed up for several more hours training her ears and doodling on blank pieces of paper before finally passing out on her desk.  It wasn’t until 10am that she was woken by someone shaking her shoulder.  Lizzy lifted her head to discover her neck had a terrible knot from falling asleep at her desk.  She immediately placed her hand over the sore area and began to massage it while groaning.

“Still pulling the disappearing act on me, I see.  You were gone when I woke up.”

“Jenna…what are you doing here?”

“Just making sure you’re ok.  You barely touched your dinner last night and then you vanished in the middle of the night.”

“Yeah I’m fine.  I just couldn’t sleep and I needed to do something: so I came home…”

“If you say so.” Jenna breathed as she plopped on her friend’s bed.  She curled up and relaxed her bones into the mattress.  She had always loved this bed: it was the most comfortable thing she’d ever laid on.  “I called Joey…” Jenna stated, trying to pick the conversation back up.

“Oh.” Lizzy stated simply. Her eyes falling to the ground. “Is he still mad at me?”

“Of course not.  You know he’s madly in-love with you: any negative feelings towards you couldn’t possibly last more than an hour or two.  He just wants to know what’s been going on with you.”

“Please don’t say he’s in love with me.”

“But it’s true! You know it is…I don’t see why you won’t go out with him”

“You know why, Jen”

“Is it because of the gay thing?  That really freaked you out, didn't it?” Jenna smirked.

“It did not freak me out!" Lizzy said defensively.

Jenna internally smiled.  Lizzy always got weired out by anything related to homosexuality, so of course after getting up close and personal with gay behavior at a party was a bit too much for her.

"So...it's not about that then?"

"of course it’s about that! He’s in complete denial about the whole thing.  Two people kissing like that is the furthest thing from platonic, no matter how much alcohol was consumed by both parties.  If you kiss someone of the same sex because you’re attracted to them it isn’t just a phase, I don't care what Joey says.  Especially for someone who’s raised in a conservative family.  You know exactly what you’re doing and what the repercussions are…”

“I think you can like someone of the same sex and someone of the opposite too.  I don’t think it’s as black and white as gay or straight.  I mean maybe you like both equally or you have a preference for one over the other.”

“Ha.” Lizzy snorted. “I’m not so sure about that.”

“We’re still young and trying to figure out who we are.  There’s no need to put a label on anything just yet.  I think we all need to keep an open mind, and experience things before writing them off.”

“Ok but what abo-“

Jenna rolled her eyes and sighed in frustration, cutting her best friend off before she could argue with her any further. “Whatever Liz, just get up and get dressed.”

“Why?”

“Because we’re going somewhere with Joe.” She said frustrated.

Lizzy got up and followed her orders. Taking a quick shower and throwing some casual clothes on.

* * *

 

Over the next month and a half Lizzy became more and more withdrawn from her friends and even more so from her parents…if that was possible.  Although she didn’t agree with her parents, she knew that her behavior wasn’t the best and that she should still show more respect since she was living under their roof, but she had just been so tired of everything and the way she expressed it didn’t come out in the healthiest way.  If her parents had allowed her to play sports, preferably boxing or something where she could run and kick something to blow off steam.  Anything would be a better outlet than punishing the people that raised her. 

Lizzy promised herself that when she had kids of her own they would be involved in all the extracurricular they wanted sports, music, acting, nerdy stuff like chess or computer science.  Whatever they wanted, they would be able to do.  Being told what to be passionate about was about the most stifling thing you could do as a parent.  Most importantly her kids would be able to make their own decision about religion.  While Lizzy used to be a believer in the practices her parents taught her, her personal experiences, feelings, and what she’s seen throughout the short period of her life so far just didn’t add up with what was written in that holy book most of the world believed in so much.  She just didn’t understand how anyone could blindly trust in a book that no one could prove was real. Catholicism made her parents and Joey happy and she respected that: hell, maybe it was all real.  But everyone should have the freedom to choose.

With school having started up again, Elizabeth King and her posse were in their senior year of high school.  _Last year_. Lizzy thought to herself, it would be her last year with her parents.  The last year where she would be restrained.  In exactly one year, she would be in college, hopefully somewhere far away with no plans to return. 

“Ms. King.” Lizzy heard.  She jerked herself out of her thoughts and remembered she was sitting in history class.

“Yes?” she managed to croak out.  Her middle aged, tall/lanky, salt and pepper haired professor, Mr. Leonard, stared at her quizzically.

“Are you alright? In all my years of teaching you, I’ve never known you to not pay attention in class.”

“Um…I think I might be in the beginning stages of a cold.” The teen lied.

“Would you like me to call your parents? Or send you to the nurse?”

“Um…I think I’ll be ok the rest of the day.  Just don’t mind me if I seem a little out of it.”

“Alright Ms. King.  I’ll notify your other teachers so they can keep an eye on you.”

“Thank you, sir.” Lizzy stated, and slumped into her seat.  She fell right back into her thoughts: careful not to show her blatant unhappiness on her face.

* * *

 

Another two weeks passed by slowly.  Elizabeth lie in her bed weakly: numb almost.  She was so unhappy with her life.  She felt like she had so much more to give to herself and to the world but didn’t know how to do it.  She wanted to draw, and paint, and sing, and play bouncy musical instruments, and run, ride a bike, kick a ball, and scrape up her knees for once in her life.  Everything kids were supposed to do, she discovered, was robbed from her.  Kids were supposed to experiment and try things throughout their childhood to figure out what their passion was, and instead Margaret and Gregory set her on the path they thought best.  They didn’t want their daughter to be a tom boy.  They wanted obedience and perfection.

But that just wasn’t Lizzy.  She wasn’t perfect or obedient.  She was young and wild and free spirited at heart.  There was more to life: but she didn’t think she could wait another 11 months to taste her freedom. 

A knock on her door pulled her out of her thoughts…It was Jenna.  She looked upset. Worried. Scared even.

“Hey stranger.” She said tentatively.  “I’ve missed you.”

Lizzy sat up slowly and gave a partial smile to her best friend.  The blonde had missed her too but for some reason she couldn’t speak.  Jenna made herself comfortable in the space beside her friend, looking awkward and displaced.  As if she hadn’t basically lived in this room the last 10 years. It made Lizzy sad.  Still failing with words she slid her hand over to where Jenna’s was resting on the bed and lightly grazed their pinky fingers together and silently spoke with her eyes, saying ‘I’m still here’.  And she was: she was there but she was too lost within herself to be outwardly present.

“Joey wants to see you…he’s downstairs” Jenna said lowly

Lizzy squeezed her eyes shut and reluctantly nodded her head up and down.  Jenna got up and stuck her head out the window signaling their friend to come up.  Once Joey made it to Lizzy’s room they all looked at each other awkwardly.  Joey tried to talk Lizzy back into herself, and said everything he could to try and make her feel better.  Soon enough both friends were doing much of the same.  But Lizzy noticed a large difference in their approaches to make her feel like herself again. And that difference was exactly what was going on with her.

Joseph.  Sweet Joseph spoke of praying for her and keeping her faith, the congregation that often kept her in their thoughts, he encouraged her to speak to their priest as soon as possible for advice and to let God guide her.  “Let God fill you with strength, release your problems to Him, let Him bless you.” He had said over and over in various ways.

Jenna. Care free Jenna spoke of Lizzy taking care of herself, taking her time, and only speaking to them when she felt comfortable.  She had said to find an outlet to let out her anger or sadness or whatever it was that was getting to her.  She encouraged her to cry or go to an abandoned lot or junk yard and break stuff.  She even offered herself up as someone to yell at to blow off steam.

That was the difference right there.  The conflicting approaches her friends had to helping her were the same conflicts that were going on within herself.  Lizzy was heavily rooted in the church from a young age and was an avid believer: she prayed and behaved just as the church has instructed her…but now she’s questioning.  Questioning everything she believed for the first 16 years of her life.  Her brain didn’t know what to do and it hit her hardest in her emotions.

* * *

 

Elizabeth Woods spent years thinking about that summer.  By September of that very year, 1990, she had made a choice and always wondered what would have happened if she chose differently…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi :)
> 
> So I think i'll have 1 or 2 (3 at the most) more of these flashbacks with 'Lizzy King'. I know it's been a while so my writing might be a bit rusty, but what do you guys think? I'm eager to hear your theories about what happened.


	17. If I Believe You (Part 3)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I mean if it was you that made my body  
> You probably shouldn't have made me atheist  
> But, oh, I’m a lesbian kiss  
> I'm an evangelist  
> And if you don't want to go to hell then Miss, you better start selling this" - The 1975

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I realized that I made it the 90s for the flashback but then I realized it doesn't go with the story line and Lexa's age so I pushed it back 5 years to be 1985. I switched the other two chapters as well.

“Mother?”

Elizabeth was startled by her daughter.  She had fallen asleep on the couch after watching television: something she rarely did anymore.

“Yes, dear?” Elizabeth responded. 

She looked at Alexandra and felt her heart soften.  She was always so amazed that she could make something that turned out so beautiful.  Her whole life had been a mess…a series of obstacles and failures but her youngest daughter was by far her greatest accomplishment.  Alexandra was smart, did well in school, athletic, and artistic.  She was so passionate about the piano.  Elizabeth often stood outside her daughter’s room and listened to her playing the way she had wanted to when she was a kid.  The choice to put her in piano lessons as a child was a selfish choice: it was just luck that she fell in love with it.

“Did you hear what I just said?” Lexa asked.

“Sorry…No I didn’t.”

“Mom, are you ok?” her daughter asked softly. Almost as if she was afraid the volume of her voice could hurt.

Elizabeth thought for a moment before sitting up all the way and patting the seat next to her.  Lexa sat down and gazed at her mother attentively: waiting for her to say anything.

“Do you think I’m horrible?” Elizabeth asked. 

Lexa’s eyes widened at the question.  Of course her automatic answer would have been ‘yes’ but she held her tongue and gave a quizzical “What?” instead.

“Jenna came by a couple of days ago…she told me that you think I’m horrible.”

“I never said that.”

“Maybe not. But you think it…I can see it in your eyes.  I used to look at my parents the way you’re looking at me.”

“Really? You always told me your parents were your best friends.”

“Yes, they were.  But I didn’t know it at the time.”

“Oh…” Lexa said.  The teen was so confused.  Her mother had always portrayed her grandparents as beings of light..saints even.  And now she all but says she hated them.  A different side of Elizabeth was showing right now.  A softer more open side and Lexa was going to take advantage.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Of course, you can always ask me anything.”

That wasn’t necessarily true but Lexa wasn’t going to dwell on the little things at the moment.

“Do you hate me because I look like Tris?” She asked tentatively.  Lexa was met by silence and went on explaining why she was asking the question. “I mean sometimes you can’t even look at me and a while ago Jenna showed me some pictures from when Anya and I were kids and we came across a picture of me.  I thought it was odd because I was wearing a dress that I hadn’t recognized.  Turns out it wasn’t me though. It was Tris….So I started thinking about what she would look like if she were still alive, and then I thought maybe you thought about that too and you obviously know we were practically identical.  So maybe you resent me because I was supposed to save her and instead I just kind of took over her life.  Looks and all.”

Elizabeth was still loss for words. She had no idea Lexa felt this way.  She suddenly surged forward and wrapped her arms around her daughter’s neck.

“I could never hate you.  You’re my daughter, I love you unconditionally.” The older woman said while trying to stifle some tears.  “You’re are right though.  I do think about those things.  What she would have looked like, what college she would go to, her wedding day, her children, her career, her dreams, graduation, prom…the list goes on forever.”

Lexa nodded her head and looked down.

“However, you were wrong about one thing. I don’t resent you or blame you for anything that happened with your older sister. It’s true we had you because it was possible that you could help save her life.  But I’ve always wanted 3 kids and you would help to complete that.  The fact that you look just like her is a blessing: it gives me a glimpse of how she would have turned out.  I don’t think I’ll ever get over it: but you help to give me some closure.  That’s how I see it.”

“Really?” Lexa asked.

“Really.”

Lexa needed to hear that.  She spent years beating herself up about not being the solution to her sister’s sickness.  She guessed she projected the blame to be silently delivered from her parents but really it was in her own mind the whole time.

“Do you want to ask me anything else?”

Lexa smirked and quirked an eyebrow.  “So…’Lizzy King’ huh?”

Both girls laughed and Elizabeth shook her head.  “Believe me, Lizzy King hasn’t existed for a very long time.”

* * *

 

**August 1985**

“You’re looking more like yourself.”

Lizzy smiled as she slammed her locker shut.  “Yeah. I guess I had a lot of internal conflict going on.  I’m starting to sort through it all.”

“Glad to hear it.” Jenna said genuinely

“I’m taking what you said to heart.  I’m going to open my mind and just go with the flow.”

“That’s what I like to hear”

“I’m going to ask Joey out.  Couldn’t hurt, right?”

“Um no.  It absolutely couldn’t.  I’m sure he’ll be thrilled.”

Lizzy did what she said.  She asked Joey to go on a date with her and he was ecstatic.  He had been trying for so long to get Lizzy to go out with him.  The teenage boy didn’t know what had suddenly changed her mind but he wasn’t going to question it and so he set the date for a soon as possible.

They went on their date Friday night.  Ice cream and a late night walk on the beach.  It was nice: Joey was a perfect gentleman and Lizzy was as sweet as can be.  They went out twice a week for nearly a month and took it very slow.  Soon enough everyone in the school started talking about the newest couple.  They weren’t officially together, but they were definitely dating.

* * *

 

**September 1 st, 1985**

 

 Lizzy had a chemistry project to work on, and luckily she had her best friend as a partner so things would go quick and smooth.  It was a breezy Saturday, even more cool than usual so Lizzy had the heater on the second floor cranked up.  She pulled her books out and decided to get started until Jenna got there.  As she went over the instructions for her project she thought about Jenna. It had just come to her attention: but they really hadn’t seen much of each other the last week or so.  They were both busy, but it was very strange for them to go so long without hanging out.

Lizzy heard a knock at her door and it was pushed open without her giving an answer.  She was getting ready to fuss at her mother about her privacy but it was just Jenna, so she smiled and greeted her while pulling another chair close to her own in front of her desk.  The taller girl plopped down in the seat and began to dig supplies out of her bag without saying much.  They began working and within 2 hours it was practically done.  Just some finishing touched that would be completed by Jenna on Sunday.

“Hey, so now that we’re done. Do you want to hang out for a bit?  I haven’t seen you in forever.” Lizzy whined.

“Um.  Don’t you have plans with Joey or something?” Jenna responded flippantly

“No…Nothing set in stone.” Lizzy looked at her best friend quizzically. “Do you not want to hang out with me?”

“Of course I do.” Jenna said reluctantly.  She put down the few items she had begun to collect to stuff in her backpack and moved over to plop on the bed.  Lizzy followed suit and lay beside her.

“So…what’s new?”

“Nothing really.  How’s life with your new boyfriend?”

“Joey isn’t my boyfriend.”

“You’ve been going out for a month now, why not make it official?” Jenna asked

“It just feels too soon.”

“Too soon?” Jenna snorted. “You’ve been friends for years, you already know each other.”

“Yeah, but friend Joe is different than boyfriend Joe.  I need to know if it’s right before I say yes.”

“So he already asked you?”

“Mhm” Lizzy nodded “After our 4th date.  I just couldn’t say yes.  So I said I would think about it…thinking about it now that doesn’t sound good.”

“Yeah, it sounds like a rejection.  But he’ll wait for you as long as you’ll make him.”

“I don’t know…He’s been very impatient lately.”

“Understandably.  So I’ve been dying to know.” Jenna said waggling her eyebrows. “Is he a good kisser?”

Lizzy laughed and scratched under her chin.  “I wouldn’t know.”

“You mean you haven’t kissed him either?  Wow you really are making him wait for everything.”

“Well, I don’t see anything wrong with that.  He’s a Catholic boy: waiting shouldn’t be an issue for him.”

“Waiting for sex, yeah.  But kissing?  Come on Lizzy: why don’t you just admit that you don’t like him.”

“Excuse me?” the blonde asked incredulously. “Weren’t you the one trying so desperately to get me to go out with him in the first place?”

“Yeah. Because you obviously wanted to know what it would be like.  And I always knew you wouldn’t be compatible, you just had to find out for yourself.”

Lizzy was dumbfounded.  For months, Jenna had kept badgering her to go on a date with their friend.  She always talked about how good of a guy he was, how nice of a body he had, and how cute he was.  Now shes trying to say that she always knew they weren’t compatible.  The switch didn’t make much sense, unless…

“Jen…Did you want me to go out with Joe in hopes that we wouldn’t like each other? Because you liked Joe and you didn’t want to hurt our friendship?”

“What?!” Jenna exclaimed. “Liz, that’s the craziest thing I’ve ever heard.  I do NOT like Joey, like at all.  Not one bit.”

“Then why this whole circus?  I never wanted to go out with him in the first place but you practically forced me!”

“I did not force you!  It was just aggressive encouragement. You can’t tell me that you weren’t at least curious about him.”

“Ok, so maybe I was.  But I always knew it wouldn’t work because I’m-“ Lizzy cut herself off, taking a deep breath.

“Because you’re what?” Jenna asked.  Lowering her voice.

“Because I’m not what he’s looking for…and he’s not what I want either.” Tears began to streak down the blonde’s face.  She sat up and strode across the room, leaning her back against the wall.  Jenna stood up as well, but didn’t follow her friend across the room.

“What do you want, Liz?”

More tears came down Lizzy’s face and she shook her head.  Jenna took this time to walk over to her friend, and used to sleeve of her shirt to wipe the moisture from her chin and cheeks.

“It’s ok…take your time.”

_Jenna knew.  She had always known._ Lizzy thought to herself _.  She’s always known that I’m….gay. That I like girls._ It was the first time she had really thought it in her head.  Of course Lizzy had always had those feelings but she refused to think about them too much.  She’d never labeled herself or even romanticized the idea of being in a lesbian relationship.

“I like girls.” Lizzy said softly.  So soft Jenna could barely hear it.

“See? That wasn’t so bad was it?” Jenna asked. “You didn’t burst into flames or implode.”

Lizzy laughed as more tears spilled from her eyes.  It was amazing how well she could hold herself together all this time but just a little bit of guidance from her best friend could shatter all of her walls.

“Ever since that party everything has been driving me crazy.  You know it’s just: I never imagined a life outside the church’s teachings and I had already started to think about how my life could be without it, but I didn’t know I would deviate this much.  I still feel so lost you know?”

“Yes, I know.” Jenna leaned her forehead against lizzy’s and smiled. “Whatever you decide…whenever you decide it, I’ll be there to help you through it.”

“Thanks, I don’t know what I’d do without you.” The blonde hugged her taller friend and felt most of her tension relax. “I guess we both know what needs to be done now.”

“He’s gonna be crushed.” Jenna said as she pulled away.

“He’ll be ok.  He deserves someone that can love him and share the same ideals.  But I wasn’t talking about that…that’s tomorrow’s problem.”

“Oh…then what?”

No sooner than the question popped out of her mouth, Jenna felt herself being tugged forward by her shirt and soft lips covered her own.  She gave in to it and melted her body against Lizzy’s.  Her lips tasted a bit salty from the tears and her nose was cold.  But it was wonderful.  Jenna ran her hands up Lizzy’s sides and around to her back to pull them closer together, if possible.  She felt the blonde’s own hands cup around her cheeks, while her bottom lip was being sucked between two tender and moist lips. Her finger nails automatically dug into Lizzy’s back, lip sucking was a huge turn on for her.  Jenna groaned and reluctantly pulled away before she lost control.

Lizzy blushed and turned her head to the side to avoid eye contact.  “Sorry…I’ve wanted to do that for a while now.”

Jenna giggled grabbed Lizzy’s chin, turning her head straight forward.  She leaned down and pressed a soft kiss against her lips again.

“Me too.  That first kiss we had left something to be desired.”

Lizzy smiled and thought about that night.  They had been at a house party, and the trio decided to experiment with drinking for the first time (well not the first time for Jenna.)  They had been dancing and chugging beer: it was gross but the taste grew on them as the night went on.  They were all pooped out and went to another room for some privacy.  One of Joey’s friends from class was with them and they were huddled very close on the couch talking about god knows what.  Jenna and Lizzy chose to sat on the carpeted floor, leaning their backs against the wall.  Lizzy kept drinking: Jenna had stopped an hour ago so she could sober up enough to direct each of their friends to their homes.  She by no means would be sober enough to drive though.  Jenna was making Lizzy laugh, and the blonde couldn’t help but find herself staring at her best friend’s lips.  She had never kissed anyone before and they looked so enticing.  They were wide, slightly plump, and seemed to be firm.  Curiosity got the better of her and she leaned in without thinking.  Deep down lizzy knew it was wrong, but alcohol really did lower a person’s inhibitions.  She lightly touched Jenna’s lips with her own and felt her friend reciprocate the action.  It was so soft and timid…and so short.

Jenna was the one to pull back and say “Maybe we should discuss this when you’re sober.”

Of course they never discussed it and of course Joey saw them and had something to say about it.  He thought it was a phase, and they would see when they got older that things like this was just something teenagers do and it wasn’t practical. Of course Lizzy ignored it and forbade him from ever speaking of it again. And of course Jenna tried to bring it up a few times, referring to it as “the gay thing”.  And she did her best to make Lizzy feel ok and not pressured about it.  It didn’t have to mean anything, and they didn’t have to talk about it.

“Hey.” Jenna said. Pulling Lizzy out of her thoughts. “Do you think we can talk about it now?” she asked.

“Sure.” The blonde laughed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts? Complaints? Comments? Concerns? 
> 
> Also, there is one more flashback chapter. I am thankful to all of you for sticking with me through this Clexa hiatus. But it is very important for the climax and end of this story. Don't worry, I will give you all the Clexa and Octaven feels very soon :D


	18. If I Believe You (Part 4)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I toss and I turn in my bed...It feels like I've lost my head"
> 
> \- The 1975

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Long time no see ;)

“I want to tell her.”

“Oh…” Clarke said as she looked up from the book she was reading. She didn’t know exactly how to respond to that.  She’d been with Lexa for almost a year now and telling Elizabeth that she was not only gay but canoodling with one of the only people she approved to be around her daughter.  That would prove to be interesting. “Why the sudden change of heart?”

“She’s been different the past week or so.  We had that talk the other day and she’s just been so warm lately.”

“Warm?” Clarke asked, using finger quotes.

“Yeah.  You know how usually she’s super formal and frigid.”

“How could I forget?” the blonde replied sarcastically.

Lexa rolled her eyes and continued. “Well lately she hasn’t been that way.  She actually asks about my day and talks to me now, she hugs me.  And get this: she laughed!”

“What?! Hugs? Laughter? Conversation?  She’s like a real mom now!” Clarke said over dramatically.  Though the sincerity was still there.

“I know!” Lexa responded ecstatically. “I have to take advantage of this opportunity.  While she’s more open I need to tell her about us…”

“Ok. If that’s what you want to do.  I stand behind you one hundred percent.” Clarke said as she tossed her book onto the nightstand next to her.  “When are you planning to do this?” she said as she straddled her girlfriend’s lap.

“I’m not sure.  But maybe I shouldn’t do it cold turkey…like I could somehow try to ease her into it.”

“That might be a good idea.  If you try to open her mind a little, then it might be less of a shock when you tell her about us.”

Clarke leaned down and buried her face in Lexa’s neck: something she found herself doing quite often.  It was always warm and soft, and smelled incredible.  The brunette began stroking her girlfriend’s back automatically and kept talking about ways she could ease her mother into it.

And so it began.  For two weeks Lexa only mentioned a gay or bisexual friend she had or casually brought up one of her male friends that has a boyfriend and continued the conversation as if it wasn’t a big deal.  Which it wasn’t to most people, but to Elizabeth it was.  There had been a few insulting comments from her mother but Lexa was able to talk her mother off the proverbial cliff.

For another month Lexa began purposely watching shows that had LGBT characters when her mother was home so she could get accustomed to seeing it, which surprisingly didn’t seem to bother her too much.  She even sat down through a few episodes of Grey’s Anatomy when the story line fell heavily on Callie and Arizona’s rollercoaster of a romance, coupled with the complication of the child sired by Mark Sloan.  Elizabeth had been taken with the show and Lexa caught her more than once watching it when she thought no one was home.

In no time it was November and Lexa still hadn’t mentioned anything to her mother but it was the last phase of her plan to test the waters.  She invited Raven and Octavia over and gave them strict instructions to not hold back on the PDA when Elizabeth was around.  Since they had been forbidden by all of their friends because of their lack of shame, this was an easy and overly exciting task for the couple.

And they did just as instructed, even a little more.  Elizabeth walked by and they made sure to be kissing or sitting in each other’s laps.  They held hands and caressed cheeks, they cuddled and kissed necks, and even fed each other.  It made Lexa a little jealous because Clarke was sitting right next to her and she couldn’t do any of those things even though she really wanted to.  Having to hide her affections for the girl she loved in her own house just seemed so ridiculous.

Elizabeth had noticed the sudden surge in gay activity in her daughter’s daily conversation as well as her choice in company she keeps and the things she watches on TV.  She had the feeling Lexa was just trying to warm her up to the idea that she had gay friends so she could bring them over.  They were honestly a little too touchy feely for her taste but she wasn’t going to say anything.  She had just really started to connect with her daughter and wouldn’t do anything to jeopardize that.  Jenna had been trying to coach her on how to relate to her daughter a little more.  It was working and she couldn’t be happier: it was still a work in progress but progress was better than what they had before.

Elizabeth couldn’t help but think how amazing Jenna was. After all these years it still amazed the older blonde woman how amazing her best friend was.  On the worst of days, just thinking about Jenna could lift her spirits and solve almost any problem.  Elizabeth still wanted to kiss her: she missed the days when she could press her lips to Jenna’s just because she wanted to, just because she could.  Nothing was holding her back…

 

**June 1988**

“Are you ready for our junior year of college?” Jenna asked as she lay on her side staring at the girl next to her.

“That’s two months away.  I’m not really think about it yet” Lizzy replied as she leaned over to kiss her girlfriend on the forehead.

They were back home for the summer.  Laying in Lizzy’s bed from her childhood.  Things had been great the past 3 years.  They built a strong relationship and it seemed that nothing could tear them apart.  Lizzy didn’t really talk to her parents that much.  She had dropped a lot of her attitude and played nice.  They compromised about church, she didn’t go 4 times a week like her parents did but she went on Sunday’s and went to bible study every other week.  She wasn’t listening to anything but she figured the saying “Don’t shit where you eat” applied to her particular situation.  Especially since she was in a relationship her parents definitely would not approve of.  Lizzy had tried to warm her mother up to the idea of possibly being opened minded about gay people but every attempt had failed.  Anytime the topic came up, her mother went on a rampage about how disgusting, unnatural, and sinful it is, so she thought it best to avoid it from now on at all costs, but recently she had emboldened herself.  She was an adult, 20 years old in fact.  And capable of making her own decisions.

“I want to tell her.”  Lizzy said bravely “I want to tell my mom about us”

“Oh.” Jenna replied. “That’s uh..um..”

“I was expecting more of an excited response, J.”

“I’m sorry it’s just…where is this coming from? You were so adamant about not telling your parents and now you want to…why the change of heart?”

“I don’t know, I think I’m just tired of hiding.  I want to walk down the street and hold your hand without worrying about anyone seeing me and get pictures taken with you, I want to move in together and not have to explain my way out of getting a one-bedroom apartment instead of two.  I want holidays, and birthdays, and road trips, and trips to the beach where we can play in the water without looking over my shoulder for one of my mom’s friends.”

“Wow.” Jenna blushed.  “I think that’s the most amazing thing you’ve ever said to me…and I want all those things too” she smiled

“So…I’m just going to pony up and tell her.  Besides I’m an adult, right?” Lizzy said, repeating her earlier thoughts.  “I’m old enough to make my own decisions.  My parents don’t have to agree with it, but they do have to accept it.  It’s my life.”

“As long as you’re sure.  I’m behind you 100 percent, sweetheart.” Jenna said and kissed Lizzy swiftly on the lips.

Lizzy was confident in her future with Jenna.  They were in love and as long as they had that, everything would be ok…But she was wrong.

 

It was later that summer when Margaret had called her daughter to the kitchen.  There sat her father, and the priest from her church…her mother at the sink feverishly washing dishes.

“Elizabeth, honey” Gregory said. “Please sit down.” The older man gestured to the seat across from him.  The air in the room was hot and thick as Lizzy slowly slid into a chair. Her heart was racing because she knew what was coming.  She didn’t know how her parents found out, but everything about the situation made it obvious that this was an intervention.

Father Roy spent 5 minutes praying over the family and this gathering, praying to God that it would turn out positively.  Further confirmation of what was to come.

“How did you find out?” Lizzy said suddenly. Cutting off any awkward conversation meant to lead into the subject.  Best to rip it off like a Band-Aid.

“Well dear…you should care to lock your door.” Margaret said stiffly.  She threw a soapy glass in the sink. Shattering it and making everyone jump in their seats.

“Maggie, please.  Let us speak reasonably to the child.”  Father Roy said calmly before continuing.

“Elizabeth dear…it has come to our attention that you have recently participated in sinful acts.  Acts carried out in the form of premarital homosexual intercourse.  Inspired of course by one of our deadliest sins…lust.”

Lizzy did nothing but laugh. She stood up and continued laughing.  Words like that would have frightened her many years ago.  She’d have freaked out because the devil had infected her with one of the 7 deadly sins.

“Does your laughter mean you disagree?” The old man in robes asked

“Oh no.  I don’t disagree at all.  I definitely had sex with a girl…when did you see us?”

“Two weeks ago.  I heard you…” Margaret breathed to compose herself. “I _thought_ I heard you screaming…clearly you weren’t in any trouble.”

“I’m sorry you had to see that.  I should have locked the door.”

“YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE BEEN DOING IT AT ALL, ELIZABETH!” the older woman shouted “What were you thinking?! I know I raised you better than this.

“Funny, I don’t seem to remember you raising me at all.  It was mostly just cramming the bible down my throat, making me sit quietly at church, and making me eat a bunch of crap I don’t like.  You never had any real life advice for me.  Anything you told me came straight out of the bible.”

“Exactly!  I raised you to be a woman of God! And I walk up to your room to see you rolling around with some random floozy.”

  
Lizzy laughed again.  Her mother clearly didn’t see who was in bed with her and it wasn’t the worst thing in the world.  The young blonde didn’t have the energy of dealing with the “I let your best friend corrupt you” part of the conversation.

“Mother.  I’m an adult. I think I’m more than capable of making my own decisions.”

“You’re still a child, Elizabeth!  You don’t know what you want! And to choose this kind of lifestyle? I had so much planned for you and you’re just ruining it! I can’t believe I didn’t catch it sooner; you’ve been so rebellious ever since your senior year of high school.”

Lizzy stood just staring at her mother…and then at her father.  “Well? Do you have anything to say, Dad? Or are you just going to let her roll over me like a tractor?”

“Elizabeth…dear.  I only want what’s best for you. I’m sure you know that?”

“How could I? You never say anything, ever! You let mom say any and everything she wants to me and to you. You’ve never stood up for me. Sometimes, I feel like you’ve lost the ability to talk because I can’t even remember what your voice sounds like half the time!”

Lizzy fumed.  She was angry.  Not at her mother, but at her father.  Her mother was the way she was going to be and that’s that.  But her dad…He wasn’t like her but never had the balls to say anything.  Probably out of fear of being left.  He put himself and his marriage over the happiness of his child, which the young blonde guessed was just his priority.  In his mind that was most important.

“And so what if I’m gay?! I-“

“ So what?  SO WHAT?!  So you’ll go to hell! You’re damned, you have to ask forgiveness or your life will not be pleasant.  God will punish you.”

“I’m not going to live my life based on the probably inaccurate interpretation of a book that was most definitely written by a misogynistic mortal man.  I did the church thing, I prayed, I studied the bible, I sang the songs, I went to the groups, I did everything and I was unhappier than you’ll ever know.  I’m going to live a life of happiness, mother.  There’s nothing you can do to stop me.”

Lizzy said her peace and walked out the door.  No shoes, no sweater, no keys.  It didn’t matter.  The blonde knew there was a chance her parents would react badly.  In fact she counted on it, but it actually happening was just too much for her to handle.  It was apparent to Lizzy that she'd most likely have to let her parents slip completely out of her life. She’d be going back to school soon and after the semester she wouldn’t go back to her parent’s house.  

"That was fast." she thought out loud. It took all of 8 minutes, but Lizzy considered herself emancipated at this point.  So she went the only place she could think of…

 

**Present Day**

“So? Do you think now’s the time?”

“I don’t know…”

“How’s she been reacting to all the gay?”

“I don’t know…”

“Lexa!”

“I don’t know, Clarke!  I’m nervous!”

“I know it’s hard, but if you’re still sure about doing this it needs to happen sooner rather than later.”

“If she kicks me out can I move in with you?”

“She’s not going to kick you out, babe.”

“We don’t know that.  She’s always been so rigid about everything…especially this. What if me being her daughter isn’t enough?”

Clarke silenced herself to think for a moment.  Her parents always taught her love was unconditional and had no labels or limitations.  She didn’t know love to be any other way.  But, Lexa’s parents didn’t seem to be like that.  Hard to wrap her mind around but she still had to understand the possibility.

“You know you’re always welcome in my home.”

“Thank you.”  The older girl said quietly. She kissed her girlfriend swiftly on the lips and popped off the couch.  Full of confidence and vigor, she exited the Griffin home, hopped in her car, and drove straight home to confront her mother.

It all happened so quickly.  They were in the kitchen, Elizabeth making small talk about her day and asking about school.  And Lexa, instead of answering her questions, said “Mom, I’m…I’mALesbianAndI’mDatingClarkePleaseDon’tKickMeOut”

“Dear, you’re going to have to put a space between those words if I’m going to understand you.” The older woman said with a giggle.

Lexa hated to shatter that smile.  She made a mental picture of the last time her mother would look at her with such openness.

“I’m gay..” the brunette said slowly this time. “And I’m dating Clarke…please don’t hate me.”  Lexa closed her eyes, bracing herself for the screams.  When none came, she opened her eyes to find her mother standing directly in front of her.  A single tear rolling down her cheek.  Elizabeth frantically embraced her daughter in a hug and began to sob.  “I’m so sorry.  I’m so so sorry.” She repeated.

Lexa frowned and wrapped her arms around her mother, confused as to what was happening.

“You don’t hate me?” she asked

“Of course I don’t hate you.  Are you absolutely sure about this?” the older woman asked as she pulled away.

“Yes, I’m sure.  Everything makes sense now, why I never cared about boys or why Nate and I didn’t feel right together.  It’s like…It’s like…I don’t know”

“It’s like you were walking through life with blinders on, stuck in a rut with no cause, feeling left behind because everyone was growing up in a way that you couldn’t relate to…but now that you know why you can grow as a person too.”

“Uh…yeah. That’s exactly it. How do you..”

“A wise woman once explained that to me.  How she felt about figuring out she was gay.”

“Really? And who was this woman?”

“I’m sure you already know the answer to that.”

“No…Actually I don’t.”  And Lexa didn’t.  Her mother had a lot of friends, none of which she could think of would say something like that.

“Wow, I’m surprised she didn’t tell you.  Never could mind her own business.”

Now Lexa was even more confused.  She had just come out to her mother and the conversation was going in a direction that she couldn’t have possibly predicted.

“Well…” she continued. “I can’t say that I’m happy with this or that I'm understanding of your decision to follow through with it.  But God has given us free will and you are free to do as you please and I will love you no matter what…but there will be none of it in my house.  Your friends can come over but no inappropriate behavior will be permitted. And when Clarke comes over, your bedroom door is to be open at all times.  No hugging, kissing, or touching.”

“Uh…ok..” the brunette said.  Lexa slowly backed away until her mother was out of site and then turned to walk steadily out the front door.  Forgoing her car, she took to the streets.  Letting the breeze whip through her hair as she roamed randomly, thinking of the all but 4 minute conversation with her mother.

Elizabeth, now sitting at the at the kitchen table with a glass of wine, dropped her face in her hands and let out a deep breath.  She didn’t want her daughter to go through anything she went through, but she also didn’t want to be like her own parents.  The blonde woman hoped that love and prayer would help her daughter.  Being exiled and treated like garbage definitely wasn’t the way to handle things…

The older blonde woman had thought about a moment like this ever since the confrontation with her own mother, Margaret King, all those years ago. If her daughter, Alexandra, were to get the help she needs.  It would not be in a way that would make her daughter hate her.  It would need to be handled gently. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm baaaaack!
> 
> I've always intended to finish this story and we're almost at the end of it. What do you think will happen next? Hint: It's a doozy
> 
> In other news, I'm still kind of caught up with the rest of the world and since zero of my friends watch SuperGirl who else is Sanvers trash like me? Because omg. If they kill off Maggie I might actually mail them a box full of my shit.
> 
> Anyway. I'm back to writing now and I'd love some prompts. I ship almost all the lezzies and will even write for some non-canon couples, so whoever you have in mind you can comment or just go to my tumblr and inbox me there. ChanandlerBong-World :D


	19. Mayday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Concrete Heartache Left me awake  
> Sleepless Sleeper  
> Oh somebody wake me up  
> Oh somebody tell me you will  
> Tell me that you're going to save me  
> That everything is gonna be ok  
> I'm screaming but nobody can hear me  
> Can you save me from myself?   
> No, no, no, no How can the be? I've tried and tried and tried  
> But I'm sill lost out at sea  
> When did I become the things that  
> I used to hate I'm stranded to this ship  
> Left to fall with a crash of the waves...Mayday"
> 
> \- The Icarus Account

**May 1991**

 

Lizzy stood in her bedroom in front of the mirror clad in her cap and gown.  She’d made it through college and it was time for graduation.  Her life from now on was a complete mystery and she was ok with that.  She half smiled to herself in the mirror and closed her eyes to soak in this moment, it was a huge milestone for her.

“You look amazing” came a voice from the doorway.  Lizzy smiled and turned her head to look at Jenna.  She was beautiful as ever, in a simple black and white dress.  The blonde’s smile grew wider as the tall woman came closer to drop a kiss on her lips.

“I’ll never get tired of that.” Lizzy said. “I can’t believe I’m finally graduating.”

“Why not?  You worked hard for this.”

“I know..I just wish I could have graduated last year with you and the rest of our friends.  I feel like I’m behind.”

“Well it’s not really your fault, honey.  You went through a lot and had no choice but to put school off for a bit.”

Lizzy sighed at the memory.  The year she had been confronted about her sexuality her parents cut her off and she found out by coming home one day in the middle of the semester to changed door locks and all of her belongings out in the street.  Lizzy figured her parents wouldn’t want to pay for anything anymore so she got a job and was paying her rent on her own.  But since her apartment was in their name, they legally had the right to do whatever they wanted.  So she was out of a home in the blink of an eye and soon after, the car she’d gotten as a high school graduation gift was gone too.  Tuition was next to go.  Lizzy was able to finish out the semester since it was paid for upfront but the next ones weren’t available to her and student loans weren’t much of an option since she didn’t have much credit.  So she had to take a break from school for a year and a half while she got her affairs in order.  Of course, she moved in with Jenna and they hadn’t lived apart since then.

“I’m just glad I was able to pull myself together.”

“And now you’ll walk across the stage and join the rest of us in the adult world.” Jenna smiled and kissed Lizzy on the cheek.  “Now come on, we’ll be late.”  She grabbed her girl’s hand and dragged her out the door.  Both of them laughing.

The year after graduation was tough to say the least.  Well at least it was for Lizzy, Jenna was thriving.  She’d found a good paying job and was saving up to buy a house for the two of them.  The blonde felt bad she couldn’t contribute as much as she wanted to but Jenna said “your love, support, and loyalty is all the contribution I need.” And that was enough to make her feel better.

It was a year later they decided to try and have a baby.  1993 was a good year, Bush was out of office and Clinton was in.  San Francisco was a much more open place to live than Los Angeles.  The remaining hippie families from the 70s were welcoming to Jenna and Lizzy and wished them nothing but happiness.  So by the fall they found themselves sitting in the office of a sperm bank going over the files of possible donors. It was surreal.

“I can’t believe we’re having a baby” the blonde said with tears in her eyes.

“You aren’t even pregnant yet.” Jenna giggled. “But I hope you will be soon.”

“Me too.”

The two women went home that evening with a silver container full of specimen.  Eager to get home and attempt to get pregnant.  The doctor said having an orgasm before injecting the sperm would raise the odds of conception so they were more than happy to oblige.

Jenna slammed the shorter blonde into the door of their apartment as soon as it was closed. She attacked her neck with open mouthed kisses and grabbed at Lizzy’s jeans.  Unbuttoning them and eagerly shoving her hand inside: glad to find that under the soft, thick, matte of hair she was already a little wet and pooling with every passing second.

Lizzy screamed out her release quickly, clothes lazily draping off of her body.  Jenna retrieved the vile of sperm and injected it into her girlfriend. 

“Omg. I’m half pregnant” the blonde said.  Jenna laughed as the girl suddenly ran to their bedroom screaming “I have to lay upside down the the baby doesn’t fall out!”

Lizzy laid on the bed with her feet in the air for 4 hours.  That was how long it took until she was almost confident that she had “sucked up all the sperm she could”.

They took a pregnancy test every day for a month before they found out…they were definitely having a baby.

They celebrated by going away for the weekend to San Diego. By the time they went it was 2 months into her pregnancy and Lizzy was showing just a bit.  Her frame was still very small but her feet had started swell and her hands got larger.  All side effects of carrying a child that she didn’t mind one bit.

“So what are we going to name the baby?” Jenna asked as she packed their bags. She was adamnet about Lizzy staying on bedrest until the baby arrived.

“I don’t know…We don’t even know the sex of the baby yet.”

“I’ve always wanted a daughter.”

“Really? I want a boy.  Charles, is always what I imagined his name to be. We could call him Charlie for short.”

“Charlie?...”

“You don’t like it?”

“Not really.”

“Ok.  What do you like then?”

“I kind of like Tristan.” Jenna stopped what she was doing to think about it. “Tristan King…has a nice ring to it don’t you think?”

“King?  You want to use my last name?”

“Yeah.  Your last name demands respect. Tristan Young isn’t as powerful.

“Ok…I think I can get behind Tristan.” Lizzy said. “For a girl…what about Anya? Anya King.”

Jenna smiled. “I love it…Anya.” She said out loud. “My daughter, Anya.” The taller girl bounded over to Lizzy and kissed her. “I love you.  Mother of my child.”

“I love you, too.” The blonde responded. “But the mother of your child is starving and needs a double cheeseburger before we leave.”

“Whatever you need, love.” Jenna said and immediately left to fetch some food.

There was a knock on the door 3 minutes later and Lizzy laughed as she got up.

“Did you leave and walk all the way to the car without your keys again?” she said as she opened the door.  Stunned silent at the person in front of her. “…Mom?”

“Hello, Elizabeth.”

Lizzy stood staring at her mother.  She hadn’t seen her in almost 5 years. She looked old and tired, her hair almost completely gray.

“What do you want?”

“I just wanted to..” Margaret gasped as she looked down at her daughter’s belly protruding from the bottom of her tank top. “You’re…you’re pregnant?”

“What do you want, mom?” she asked again, ignoring the topic of her baby.

“Can I come in?...Please?”

Lizzy rolled her eyes and stepped to the side.  Her mother strolled in and looked around the apartment.  It wasn’t large but it was decent, two bedrooms, full kitchen, living room, dining room.  They had moved a few months ago in anticipation of the baby.

“Your home is lovely.”

“Why are you here? Tell me now, or get out.”

“I just missed my daughter.  I needed to make sure you were ok. Is that so wrong of me?”

“You lost the right to drop in on me when you left me homeless!”

“I thought you would come back home…How was I supposed to know that you wouldn’t?”

“Unbelievable.  You really thought I was so helpless that I couldn’t figure a way to survive without dad’s money?”

“No. I knew you were always strong but, but, but.”

“No ‘but’s’ mom! You abandoned me! And now you’re..ah!” Lizzy screamed as she grabbed her stomach. The pain shot from her back, through her belly, and to her vagina.  Her body automatically started pushing and she panicked. “No no no! it’s not time yet!”

Margaret got up and rushed to her daughter’s aid.  She steadied her and moved her to the couch and coached her breathing while massaging her back and neck.  Soon the pain subsided and lizzy could relax.

The front door opened as the episode ended and Jenna came in with 3 bags and 2 drinks.  She couldn’t see over them so she just yelled. “Hey, Liz! I’ve got your burger and fries!” Jenna sat everything down on the counter and turned around, shocked to see her partner and her mother occupying the same space.

“Oh..Hi..Mrs. King.  Long time no see.”

“Hello, Jenna.  Maybe you should call the doctor.  I believe Elizabeth just had some Braxton hick’s contractions but best double check.”

“Um, sure.  I’ll be in the other room…” she said and made her exit.

“Where’s your husband? I’m sure he’d like to know what’s going on.”

Lizzy laughed softly and shook her head. “I don’t have a husband.”

“Oh…ok, well your boyfriend then.”

“Don’t have one of those either.”

“Um…” Margaret continued.  Lizzy could tell her mother was trying very hard not to judge but it was killing her. “The baby’s father…is he involved?”

“Ok, mom. I’m going to say this once and I know it’s gonna freak you out so listen carefully.”

“Oh.  Alright.”

Lizzy took a deep breath and thought of how she could say this gently.  There really was no way.  “The girl you caught me having sex with 5 years ago was Jenna, we’ve been together since senior year of high school.  We live together in this apartment and 4 and half months ago we went to a sperm bank to get donor sperm so we could have a baby.  Now I’m pregnant and we plan to raise the baby together.”

Margaret felt tears sting the corner of her eyes and she gulped.  Pausing to process the information before responding.

“I was hopeful you’d changed by now and seeing you pregnant I thought…I thought that you’d realized how wrong your lifestyle is.  I can’t be part of this.  I’m glad you’re doing well.”  She said, and was out the door in the blink of an eye.

 

**One Year Later.**

“I don’t know J…do you think LA is a good place to raise a baby?”

Lizzy held their 8 month old baby boy, Aiden, in her arms while cleaning their new Los Angeles apartment.  The couple had decided to move back after Jenna found out that her mother probably didn’t have much time left.  She was older when she had Jenna so the woman was already in her mid 80s.

“It’s maybe not the best place in the world but we were born and raised here and we turned out fine.  And I really want my mom to know her grandson.”

“Ok, babe…” the blonde said lowly.  Where they lived wasn’t the issue, it was the proximity to her own parents that she worried about.  They hadn’t seen or heard from Margaret King since that incident a year ago.  It was inevitable that they’d see her again now that they’d moved back home.

“I know you’re worried about your parents, but whatever happens we’ll get through it together.  You, me, and our baby boy against the world.”

Lizzy smiled and stopped pacing the room.  Those words always put her heart at ease

 

**Present Day**

 

Elizabeth, opened the door to a very sheepish looking Jenna. 

“You look angry.”

“How could you not tell me my daughter is gay?!”

“Wow, so she went through with it.  The girl has balls…”

“You know how I feel about that, Jenna…I don’t want her to go through what we did.”

“Are you going to try and take her baby away like your parents did with us?” Jenna asked.  Anger rising in her voice.

“Well, of course not! I’m just trying to avoid any pain…the pain I feel every day…” the blonde paused and felt a tear fall down her face.  “The pain both of us feel.”

Jenna felt her heart break all over again.  The battle for her son all those years ago was the most difficult thing she ever had to deal with, and in the end they lost anyway.  The taller woman couldn’t help but cry right along with her best friend.

“You can’t change your daughter.  Just like your mother couldn’t change you…just like you’re still not changed.  Deep down, you know that those feelings we had for each other are still there."

"Please don't start with that again..." Elizabeth moaned

"I'm still in love with you and you still love me.  Don't try to deny it. We never got the closure we needed."

"You're married Jenna...Your husband-"

"Is a wonderful man." She interrupted. "He's perfect and I love him and I'd never do anything to hurt him.  But my feelings for you will always be there...you're my first love."

"That's not what we were talking about.  We were discussing Alexandra."

"I don't see what there is to discuss, Liz! The girl is gay, so what? You talk about your faith and claim to follow the teachings of God.  So that means there’s only one option for you.”

“And what do you supposed that is?” Elizabeth asked, sniffling as she tried to pull herself back together.

“You love her and leave the judgment to the big man upstairs.  Don’t you think our lives would have turned out a lot differently if your parents had done the same?  After all these years you haven't figured that out.”  Jenna shook her head as she backed towards the door. "Sometimes I can't believe how you act.  You've become the very thing that made us miserable all those years ago."

Elizabeth broke down again. She didn’t say anything as her best friend walked out of her home and left her to her thoughts.  The woman was in her 40s and was still lost as ever in the game of life.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't proof read this at all lol. I'll do it later, but I just wanted you guys to have something.


	20. Nothing Else Matters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "So close no matter how far  
> Couldn't be much more from the heart  
> Forever trusting who we are  
> And nothing else matters
> 
> Never opened myself this way  
> Life is ours, we live it our way  
> All these words I don't just say  
> And nothing else matters
> 
> Trust I seek and I find in you  
> Every day for us something new  
> Open mind for a different view  
> And nothing else matters
> 
> Never cared for what they do  
> Never cared for what they know  
> But I know"
> 
> \- Metallica

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Didn't proof read at all. Just wanted to get this posted since it's been forever :)

It was Christmas time now.  Elizabeth was still acting awkward around Lexa and was just outright rude if Clarke was around so they decided it best for the blonde to just not go to the Woods house anymore.  Lexa now had a curfew of midnight whereas before she barely had one.

It was the tenth day of December and everyone in school was buzzing with excitement because there was only a week left of school until winter break.  Clarke and her group of friends sat at their regular table...Lexa and Raven elected to go to their abandoned classroom to study for one of their finals.

"We have a dilemma" Raven stated to break their silence.

"And what would that be?" Lexa asked, never taking her eyes off of her notebook.  
  
"What are we going to get our girlfriends for Christmas?"  
  
Lexa quirked an eyebrow then and lifted her head, running her fingers through her long thick ponytail as she thought.  "I honestly have no idea.  Does Clarke even like Christmas?" 

"Yes, of course.  She loves the holiday season."

"Ugh.  crap.  I have no clue what to get for her."

"What did you get her for her birthday last week?"

Lexa blushed and diverted her eyes back down to her notes and Raven made a gagging noise.

"That's disgusting."

"What? I didn't say anything!" Lexa defended.  her cheeks still burning crimson.

"You didn't have to.  Your expression said it all.  I don't need to know about your sexcapades."

"I didn't give her sex for her birthday." Lexa said snobbishly.  Though they did have sex, really really hot sex, that wasn't her gift. "I got her some new paint brushes and some canvases."

"Oh ok.  That's a good gift.  She doesn't need stuff though.  Clarke likes things that are more personal.  Just think of anything she's said that she wanted from you and there's your gift.  Doesn't have to be bought or anything materialistic."

"Alright" Lexa sighed and nodded her head in agreement.

"Ok we fixed your problem but I really brought it up because I don't know what to get for Octavia."

"Well why don’t you just take your own advice and give her something personal?"

  
"Because my girlfriend likes stuff.  Sentimental things to her should be provided year round.  but birthdays and holidays she should be able to hold her gift in her hand."

 

"I see..." the taller brunette began running her fingers through her ponytail again.   
"Oh I know.  Why don't you have your mom train her?"

  
"Come again?"

  
"Well she's always talking about how badass women who can fight are and she badly imitates martial artists...why don't you get her some real training.  You know with combat and weapons and stealth and survival and all that."

 

"You really think she would like that?" Raven asked.  She wasn't sure it would be a good gift, but thinking about it. Octavia did love action movies and often spoke about what she would do in certain situations that required fighting

 

"I think she would love it. And your mom loves her so I don't doubt she'll do it for her for free."

 

"I think I may take that suggestions...but also get her a necklace or something as backup."

  
"Lexa laughed and shook her head."  Her phone started buzzing and a smile spread across her face as she saw who was calling.

  
"Hey, Cornflake" she answered as she put the phone on speaker

  
"Hey boo! Cancel any plans you have next weekend.  I'm coming home and I need to see my pain in the ass best friend."

  
 "Wow, who wouldn't want to hang out with someone that calls them a pain in the ass?"  


"You love me." the older girl chimed through the phone.  


"Hi Anya." Raven said dryly.  The two girls had sort of become phone friends Raven was almost always with Lexa when she called.  


"Hey Rae, keeping my girl company while I’m gone?" Anya responded  


"Of course. And I’m keeping her from being an idiot like you asked."  


"Wait what?" Lexa chimed in. "You two have been talking behind my back haven't you?"  


"We're just looking out for your well being." Raven responded  


Lexa was a little annoyed but also felt lucky to have great friends in her life that cared about making sure she didn't mess anything up.  The now 18-year-old really missed her best friend and was more than excited to see her next weekend.  She'd be back December 22nd so Lexa felt it would be the best gift she could have. All of her favorite people in the same city.

 

It was a Thursday evening... the last Thursday before Christmas.  Lexa had snuck out of her house for the night so she could stay with Clarke.  She planned to give the blonde something she really wanted for Christmas.  Something that would definitely lead to sex if she did it well enough.   Lexa sat on her girlfriend's bed, waiting for her to return from the shower.  The lace underneath the silky bathrobe she changed into was scratching at her skin.  Lingerie definitely wasn't her cup of tea, but Clarke had expressed her want for a strip tease for months now and since it's the holiday season, there's no better time than now.  Lexa arrived to Clarke's home in nothing but her regular adidas joggers and a dry fit T-Shirt with a backpack slung across her shoulder.  The blonde not having a clue what she was in for.  


"You can wait in my room, babe." She had said when she let her girlfriend in.  "I just worked out and I’m all sweaty." the blonde finished and stood on her tip toes to press a light kiss on Lexa’s lips.  The brunette felt it was pointless to wash all of her sweat off because she'd just get sweaty again anyway, but she held her tongue.  Clarke taking a shower would give her time to prepare.  So Lexa changed into her black and green lingerie and released her hair from the loose bun on top of her head.  Letting her wild curls bounce freely.  She played some music softly from her phone and sat at the foot of Clarke's bed.  A nervous expression plastered across her face as she saw the knob turning and the door pushing open.

Clarke walked into her room; clad in only a large T-shirt and most likely just underwear and drifted quickly over to her closet and dropped her dirty clothes into her hamper before going to her body length mirror that was attached to the wall: she picked up a brush from the dresser next to it and started to detangle her hair.  The blonde was babbling about something that Lexa couldn't hear over the sound of her fear.

 

Clarke turned around after not hearing a response from her girlfriend and frowned slightly.

"Since when do you wear bathrobes? Normally you just have on pajama pants and a big shirt."

"I know." Lexa said as she stood up and walked lazily towards her girlfriend. Her lacey one piece still not visible.  


"I like it.  I like when you show off your legs."  


"Yeah?  I should wear it more often then." Lexa responded.  She was standing behind Clarke now, who had turned back around to finish brushing her hair.  The brunette placed her hands on the shorter girl's hips and lowered her lips to the large expanse of neck exposed to her.  


Clarke let out of long sigh and raised her hand to tangle in her girlfriend's hair.  She could feel the heat from Lexa's body behind her and automatically relaxed into it as eager teeth sunk into her neck.  The blonde gasped at the feeling and whipped around, grabbing Lexa by the lapels of her silky robe.  Looking up at her girlfriend with hooded eyes, she could see the brunette's cheeks tinted with a heavy blush.  


"Alexandra, if I didn't know any better.  I'd say you were trying to seduce me."  


"Maybe...is that ok?" Lexa asked sheepishly.  


"It's more than ok, babe." Clarke responded. She was actually quite thrilled since Lexa was never the one to start it.  The blonde started swaying to the sensual music.  Noting that everything that had been playing over the last few minutes has been very sexual.  Clarke grabbed on to Lexa's robe a little tighter and yanked her forward.  Eagerly pressing their mouths together.

 

Lexa was aroused, to say the least.  Kissing Clarke right now made her body feel completely abuzz.  Clarke's tongue sliding against her own felt like the inside of her mouth was being licked by wet flames.  Lexa sucked Clarke's bottom lip into her mouth and slightly nibbled.  Her trimmed nails digging into the shorter girl's sides as she attempted to ground herself.

 

The blonde's arms slowly slid up to sling around her girlfriend's neck to hold her even closer.  She felt hands slide down to briefly squeeze her ass and then she was lifted off the ground.  Her legs gripping to her girlfriend's waist so tight as if she would never let go.

 

Lexa could feel the warmth and slight moisture seeping through Clarke's center through the thin material of her own skimpy clothing and it spurred her eagerness even more.  She propelled herself forward, pushing Clarke into the mirror on the wall and she felt the shorter girl gasp, probably from the shock of the cold against her back.  They stayed there briefly.  kissing feverishly, moaning quietly, and tugging on hair.  


"Bed. Now." the blonde moaned out between kisses.  Lexa obeyed and walked over to the foot of the bed.  dropping her girlfriend down on her back.  She stood hovering and from this angle it was confirmed that Clarke was in fact only wearing underwear under her large T-shirt and those gray underwear she became so familiar with were visibly soaked.  This made the older teen smile and gave her confidence a bit of a boost.  


Lexa crawled onto the bed as seductively as she could and sat square on her girlfriend's hips.  She leaned down to place a quick kiss on Clarke's collar bone and sat up again before speaking.

 

"So, I came here tonight to give you your Christmas gift."  


"Wait, you wanna give it to me right now?" Clarke asked incredulously  


"Oh I definitely wanna give it to you" Lexa responded.  she leaned down once more and lightly grazed their lips together.  Just shy of a full kiss and hovered: her hands slowly tugging on the string of her black silk robe.  Once it was loose enough she whispered "I hope you like it" and sat all the way up.  The brunette let her robe fall around her shoulders, exposing the lacey straps decorating her collar bones.

 

Clarke's eyes nearly bulged out of her head.  Lexa was actually wearing lingerie. Black, lacey, skimpy, sexy lingerie.  The top of it was almost completely see through. it showed every ounce of skin except her nipples to the blonde's disappointment. The sides of her lightly toned abs were showing, leaving only a thin strip of fabric covering the center of her abdomen.  That was connected to some underwear.  The details of which had to be left to Clarke’s imagination due to the remaining clothing blocking her view.

 

"Lexa...You..." Clarke couldn't think of the words quickly enough so she just settled with "fuck" as her last exclamation.

 

"Do I look ok in this thing?  I picked it myself."  The older girl asked semi-confidently.  


"You're perfect."  the blonde responded.  Her hands grasping her girlfriend's hips and rocking them into her own pelvic bone.  She was eager to hear Lexa moan and feel her shudder. But as quickly as her ministrations began she felt her hands being pinned to the bed on either side of her head. Clarke frowned and threw the smallest of tantrums. This caused Lexa to laugh and hold her down even harder.

 

"Now now, babe.  You can't move" she said lowly.  Lexa reached into her bag that was sitting next to the bed and pulled out two silk scarfs.  "I kind of wanted to tie you up...if that's ok?"

 

"Well it was my idea ages ago, but I always thought I'd be the one to tie you up first."  She smiled and took one of the scarves and tied it around her wrist.  Signaling that she was more than ok with being bound and dominated by Lexa.  normally very shy and reserved Lexa, who doesn't talk much in public but makes Clarke beg for it in the bedroom.  It was exhilarating.

 

Clarke was now tied to the bed.  Not before she was partially undressed first.  Lexa noted that it would be kind of hard to take off her shirt if her hands were tied to the headboard.  The blonde agreed so now she just lay on her bed in nothing but her underwear...her non sexy underwear.  While Lexa trots around the room in her lacey boy shorts that show off the bottom of her petite firm ass.  Clarke wanted to squeeze the mounds in her hands, spank them, and if she were being honest biting into them wouldn't be the worst thing in the world either.

 

The music coming from Lexa's phone got a little louder and some of the lamps were turned off to create a dimmed atmosphere.

 

"So" the brunette said as she returned to the bed.  "I seem to remember someone asking for a strip tease/lap dance."  


"Um." Clarke audibly gulped. "Ye-yeah I did...are you gonna give it to me?"

  
"Like I said earlier, Clarke.  I definitely wanna give it to you."

 

The taller girl started swaying then, while standing at the foot of the bed.  The music dictating her movements: her hands slid from the bottom of her abdomen up and over her breasts.  Lexa's cheeks were bright red; it was obvious she was nervous but still comfortable enough to dance. The brunette's head fell backwards, her mouth agape as her own hands went to work.  Sliding up and down her sides: around her waist, and back up through her long curly hair.  Clarke longed for her girlfriend to be closer so she could smell her hair and taste her skin: feel the plumpness of her lips against her own thinner ones.  It was agonizing.

 

The blonde let out a low groan and bucked her hips wantonly.  This made Lexa smile and draw her bottom lip in her mouth.  She had been afraid going into this that her dance moves wouldn't be that appealing but now she could see that it was doing the job.  Lexa grew a little impatient herself and crawled slowly onto the bed.  Making Clarke suffer more than she need to by taking as long as possible to make any contact with the younger girl's body.  Lexa hovered over Clarke and stared into her ocean blue eyes.  

 

She had planned to be dominating on this particular night but she could never help how much love filled her up every time she looked into Clarke's eyes.

 

"I love you” the brunette said softly

 

"I love you, too" Clarke responded.  She felt heat and wetness on one of her thighs when Lexa settled on to it.  “Untie me, let me touch you.” The blonde pleaded.

 

“No way.” The taller girl said, her voice not wavering. You’re all mine tonight.  And she made good on that.  Clarke remained tied up when Lexa teased her way down her abdomen and settled between her legs.  She spent what seemed like hours teasing and kissing before finally burying her tongue deep within her girlfriend’s folds. Clarke was hot and sopping wet, making it easier for Lexa’s tongue to slide up and down and in and out of her.  Lexa licked and sucked until the blonde was moaning and shaking relentlessly. 

“Fuck…Lexa.” Escaped Clarke’s throat repeatedly like a mantra until she came, writhing in her bed covered in sweat.    Her wrists sore from being restrained and the blood rushing through her body, Clarke was more eager than ever to touch her girlfriend.

 

“Are you going to untie me?”

 

“Nope.” Lexa said with a smirk.  She was feeling good about herself after Clarke’s orgasm.  It always amazed her that she was able to make her girlfriend respond in that way.

 

Lexa ignored the groan that rumbled out of Clarke’s throat and pressed their body’s together: kissing the girl beneath her slow, soft and wet.  Clarke had gotten so lost in the kiss, she couldn’t help but gasp at the sudden intrusion of long slender fingers in her now sopping pussy.

 

Lexa felt herself melt even more into Clarke as her fingers were enveloped in the heat between the blonde’s legs.  The warmth and ease of slipping in and out was amazing to the older girl.  It spurred her to fuck Clarke harder and faster while their bodies rocked together.

 

Clarke gasped for air with each stroke and released whimpers at the feeling of plump lips caressing neck. 

 

“Please baby.  Please untie me, I need to hold you before I…fuck.” The blonde moaned out.  Lexa knew Clarke loved to feel her when she came so the taller girl easily used one hand to release both of Clarke’s wrists from the silk restraints. One hand immediately found it’s way into Lexa’s thick brown curls: holding her head in place at Clarke’s neck.  The other dug into Lexa’s back and scratched roughly over her spine.  The brunette moaned at the feeling: noticing that the wetness between her own legs worsening by the second.  But she couldn’t and wouldn’t stop to satiate her own needs.  Tonight was about Clarke.

 

“I’m close.  Don’t stop.” She panted out: rocking her hips to meet Lexa’s thrusts.  Clarke always lost her mind in this position.  Lexa being on top of her for some reason was extremely erotic, and this about to be her second orgasm made her that much more sensitive.

 

Lexa took Clarke’s verbal warning of a good time to go in for the kill.  She changed her hand movements from thrusting in and out to a “come here” motion in order to caress Clarke’s G-Spot and simultaneously moved her body down slightly and swooped down to take one of the blonde’s nipples in her mouth, swirling her tongue around and lightly suckling on the pink bud.  This elicited a loud moan and a string of half enunciated curse words.

 

“Oh…fuck, I’m coming babe.” Clarke groaned. “I’m coming. I’m coming.” She said over and over.  Lexa felt a new tightness around her fingers followed by a flow of wetness that pooled into her palm.  The blonde clawed at her girlfriend’s back and held her close as her body clenched and spasmed.  Lexa’s fingers slowed but never stopped, extending Clarke’s orgasm past it’s normal limits.

 

“Holy shit” Clarke breathed when her body finally relaxed. “That was – oh!”

 

The brunette had started fucking her again: allowing her to have no break between orgasms.  She was sitting up.  Holding onto her right wrist with her left hand to help her tired arm pump in and out.  Clarke was shaking and careening, the tight spasming of her pussy was almost instsant and Lexa knew she would come any second.

 

She leaned down  and flicked her tongue over the small swollen bud between her girlfriend’s legs and sucked it into her mouth while relentlessly thrashing her tongue back and forth.  The blonde sat up quickly: holding onto Lexa’s head as she came. Her body, covered now in a thick layer of sweat, shook hard.  She could feel tingling from her toes, up between her thighs, through her center and all the way up to her head.  Clarke came so hard she couldn’t even manage to make a sound.

 

Lexa was stuck underneath shaking hands and clenching thighs.  It was hard to breathe but she didn’t mind waiting: it gave her time to clean up the mess she’d made.  So she took her time casually lapping at the juiced spilled across the milky skin in front of her, even as Clarke laid back down exhausted from her orgasm.

 

 

Lexa tip toed into her house the next morning at around 9am.  Unfortunately her mother was sitting there waiting for her.  It was like a movie cliché, somehow she’d found out that she snuck out last night.

 

“Your bed was empty when I went to check on you last night.”

 

“You went to check on me?” lexa asked.  She was shocked her mother did such a thing.

 

“Yes, I’ve been checking on you lately to make sure you’re ok.  Sometimes you’re not there but you’ve just gone to the restroom.  But last night your bed was completely made up, I went to look in the garage and your car was gone.”

 

“Oh…” Lexa said plainly

 

“Where were you?”

 

“I was…with Clarke.”

 

Elizabeth nodded her head slowly and reached over to the small table next to the chair she was sitting in and grabbed a glass of what could only be assumed to be scotch. She took a sip before glaring at her daughter.

 

“What did I tell you about seeing that girl?”

 

“I know you don’t want us to be at the other’s house without parents there.”

 

“And you disobeyed me.”

 

“Mother, you can’t-“

 

“I don’t want to hear any excuses, Alexandra.  I know her parents were out of town last night, I’m sure you haven’t forgotten that I talk to them.”

 

“No I know that.  I just don’t think it’s fair for you to try and control us.  I think we’re old enough to be alone together”

 

“You’re nothing but a child!”

 

“I’m 18! I’m legally an adult and you can’t tell me what to do!  I was trying to be nice and wait for you to come around but you’ve been nothing but horrible since I told you I was gay.”

 

“You’re an adult living under my roof! If you want to make the rules then you need to support yourself.”

 

“If that’s your logic then you need to get out too.  We both know it’s dad’s money that keeps you wrapped in silk and diamonds.” She said bitterly.  Elizabeth looked both hurt and angry.

 

“How dare you! I am your mother, Alexandra. And and I just, just I just want to protect you.” The older woman said through quivering teeth. 

 

Lexa’s phone rang then and she reached into her back pocket to see who it was.  It was Abby,  probably calling to see where Clarke was.  She had left home when Lexa did to go for a run.  The brunette silenced her phone and shoved it back in her pocket deciding to call the woman back later.

 

“You’re not protecting me, mother.” Lexa continued. “You’re doing nothing but pushing me away.”

 

“You say that now, but in the future I know you’ll thank me.  I didn’t trust my parents early enough and I went through a world of pain.”  


“How can you even say that like this is the same thing?! What, did you sign up for the wrong debutante ball or something?  This isn’t just some small choice that I made.  This is who I am, this is my happiness!” Lexa shouted.  Her face was turning red from how upset she was getting.

 

Elizabeth listened to her daughter and wished her happiness was that easy.  But compromising one thing about herself would cause less pain than the punishment that God had planned for her.  Elizabeth thought now might be the time to be honest with her daughter.

 

“Actually, things aren’t as dif-“ she was cut off by her own phone ringing this time.  She picked up the device off the small end table next to her and frowned.  “It’s Abby.”

 

“She’s probably wondering where Clarke is, she called me too.  I can take it.”

 

Elizabeth handed her phone to her daughter and leaned back, rubbing her temples with the tips of her fingers.

 

“Hey, Abby.” The teen answered. “Yeah I know, I’m sorry. Mom and I were talking so I couldn’t take the call.” She paused listening to the woman on the other line.  Her heart stopped immediately and she felt like her world was on the verge of crumbling.

 

“Oh…an accident? Are you at the hospital?”  Lexa started pacing and pulling at the loose strands of hair coming out of her ponytail. “Yeah. Ok ok.  I’m on my way.”

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is almost over y'all and I'm already working on a Sanvers AU. If you have any suggestions on what you'd like to see let me know. I may add it in to what i'm doing now or do a whole over story for it.


	21. When The Darkness Comes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "When you're feeling lost I'll leave my love hidden in the sun. For When the Darkness Comes." - Colbie Callait

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *****WARNING******* Semi Graphic. There's a lot of descriptive mentions of blood in the chapter. Also, minor character death.

 

Lexa sat in her room at her piano, clanging on the keys not really playing anything in particular.  The bottom of her black dress scratching at her kneecaps.  The funeral was in 30 minutes and she should be leaving soon to be there at a respectable time.  Lexa just couldn’t bring herself to move.  She recalled the events after getting the phone call from Abby about the accident: When Lexa got to the hospital all she saw was Clarke laying in one of those really uncomfortable looking hospital beds.  Blood covering the front of her shirt, it was beneath her fingernails and on the back of her hands.  There were thick splotches of crimson on the blonde’s forehead, some of it tinting her beautiful hair, and a thick gash on her brow still slowly oozing.  It was too much to handle: too much to see and take in at once.  It was like Lexa’s heart stopped beating and fell out of her body.

 

After endless moments of reliving the worst night of her life she felt a hand on her shoulder, followed by a warm body pressing into her back.  She turned her head and nestled into thick blonde locks.

 

“I don’t know what I’ll do, mom.” The teen cried.

 

“I know, honey.” Elizabeth responded weakly.  She took her daughter’s hand and pulled her to her feet and into a hug.  She’d been needing them a lot the past few days.

 

“I just keep replaying it over and over in my head.  I don’t understand.  I don’t understand…I-I don’t understand.” Lexa quivered.  She fell to her hands and knees and began sobbing again…

 

* * *

 

**_5 Days Ago_ **

 

Clarke woke to Lexa in her arms.  They’d had an amazing night together.  After spending so long having to duck around the older girl’s mother, it was nice to be able to just lay together uninterrupted.  Abby agreed to the terms of Elizabeth’s “being ok” with their relationship, but it was out of respect for the other woman as a mother.  So any time Lexa came over she would text Elizabeth and let her know that they were at the Griffin house and that she could clearly see them and no “funny business was going on.”  It was a little irritating to the two teens but they could respect the decision as long as they weren’t getting too much flack for being together.

 

“Lexa.” Clarke kissed the brunette on the forehead. “Baby.” She kissed her again but on the nose this time. “Babe.” She called out to her again, but this time pressed a kiss square on the older girl’s lips.  Lexa smiled immediately after and groggily mumbled “That’s the one I was waiting for.”

 

“You know you can kiss me whenever you want.  You don’t have to wait and hope that I’ll do it.” Clarke giggled

 

“Oh, I know.  But it’s so much for gratifying this way.” The brunette retorted. “Is it time to go already?” she groaned

 

“Unfortunately, yes.  Your mom would freak if you found out you weren’t home last night.”

 

“Ugh, I wish she’d pull the stick out of her butt.”

 

“We both know that wont happen.  Now come on, get up.  I’m meeting Raven at the gym.”

 

Lexa quirked an eyebrow while looking at her girlfriend. “Raven…working out?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Like she’s doing something not involving cars?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“With you?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“The drill sergeant?”

 

“What does that mean?!”

 

“Clarke, honey.  You’re mean to people you work out with.”

 

“I am not! I just wanted you to reach your full potential.  I was not yelling!”

 

“You’re yelling right now!” Lexa laughed. “Please don’t kill her.”

 

The blonde rolled her eyes and then rolled out of bed.  She started pulling her clothes on and threw Lexa’s backpack to her to she could do the same.

 

“You seem pretty eager to throw me out…”

 

“No I’m not.” It was only half true.  Clarke wanted Lexa to leave, not because she didn’t want to see her but because in order to throw her belated birthday surprise party.  “I just don’t like being late.  You know that.”

 

“Mmm.  I guess…” the brunette responded skeptically. 

 

Once they were dressed and and at the front door the couple shared one last kiss before parting ways.  Clarke got in her car and called Raven.

“What’s up, Griffin?”

 

“Hey, are we good to go?”

 

“Yup, I’m down the street from your place.  You can follow me to the venue.”

 

Clarke drove up a bit and saw Raven’s car. “I see you, let’s go.”

 

Driving through LA this time of morning, there was a good amount of traffic.  Last minute Christmas shoppers ran amok on the roads and it proved difficult to get where they were going.  They had reserved a small venue for Lexa’s party.  Just big enough for close friends and family.  The blonde smiled and was excited to do something for her girlfriend, she more than deserved it.  While day dreaming, Clarke almost didn’t see the pile up of cars in front of her.  She had to slam on her breaks to stop from hitting Raven’s car, her tires audibly squealing.  They were stuck in the intersection with nowhere to go.

 

“That was close.” Clarke said as she released a breath she didn’t know she was holding.  Suddenly Clarke heard honking from a car…and then two…and then multiple.  Finally, she saw a large pick up truck coming from the right side.  It was coming fast and didn’t seem to be stopping any time soon.  Before anything could be done there was a crash.  The sound of glass shattering.  Fear filled the blonde’s heart as she squeezed her eyes as tight as she could.

 

Clarke forced her eyes open just in time to see Raven’s car tumbling to the left side of intersection.

 

“No!” she yelled, throwing her car in park and immediately exiting and running towards the vehicle that finally settled right side up.  On her way she looked into the assaulting vehicle to see a man leaning back passed out with nothing but a cut on his forehead, his airbag keeping him secure.  Her legs carried her as fast as they could.  The right side of her friend’s car was completely smashed in and all she could think about was all the people occupying the vehicle.  Clarke reached the car and looked in the back passenger side, seeing nothing but horror and a fully conscious and stunned stiff brunette in the backseat.

 

“Anya…Anya are you ok?” She asked.  Jenna was in the seat beside her daughter, unconscious and bruised.  Her father was in the front passenger seat and of course Raven was driving.  Everyone, but Lexa’s best friend was passed out.  “Anya, please say something.” Clarke cried as she reached into the car to check the girl’s pulse.  Luckily she still had one. The older girl had come to surprise Lexa for the party. Raven went to pick her up from the airport and then picked up her parents as well.  They were all riding together to go set everything up. “Anya!” Clarke yelled, but received no answer: the older girl staring straight ahead.  She tried opening the door but it was jammed. 

 

Clarke pulled her phone out of her pocket and called 911 to report the accident and then immediately called her mom: she wanted no one else managing them but her.  If they had a chance, it would be Abby.  She was luckily already at the hospital and would have triage rooms ready for all 5 people in the accident.  People from the surrounding traffic exited their vehicles and slowly approached Raven’s car.  All of them were yelling out trying to decide what was best, and most settled on calling 911.  3 brave souls ran towards the vehicle, screaming that they needed to get them all out.  Clarke immediately protested. “No! We can’t do anything until the ambulance gets here.  Removing them from the vehicle could exacerbate any injuries they already have!”  They all stopped in their tracks and nodded except one.

 

“Hey, I know you mean well, kid.  But these people are in a lot more danger inside that car.”  A tall man with messy black curly hair protested.  His intense eyes boring into Clarke.

 

The blonde was pissed.  This man assuming her lack of knowledge because of her age.

 

“My mother is a surgeon. So I think I do know what’s best.  A lot more people would survive accidents if idiots like you didn’t try to play doctor.  Now if they all die because you decided to go against the advice of a licensed, well respected, well seasoned doctor then that will be on you. So what’s it gonna be?”

 

The man raised his hands in surrender and didn’t say anything else.  But he did stay close by, probably to keep an eye on the teen.  But Clarke honestly didn’t give a fuck what he chose to do.  She would do what she could to make sure her friends…her girlfriend’s second family would survive.  Anything her mother ever told her to do and not do in case of a car accident came flooding to her brain, so she faced the vehicle again and tried to figure out what to do first.

 

The blonde heard a slight mumble and gurgling sound followed by “Fuck.”  It was Raven, she was moving her head side to side.  Trying to figure out where she was and what was happening.  “Oh my god, my head.” She said slowly.  Panic visually set in and she began screaming. “NNhhgg gah!” Raven exclaimed, followed by more screams: she was crying.

 

“Raven! Raven, please calm down and don’t move!  Please don’t move, we don’t know what the damage is.”

 

“Clarke? Clarke is that you?  It hurts, it hurts so bad.  Please help me.  My leg…it…agh!” She wined out. 

 

“I know, honey.  Just hang tight and don’t move.  An ambulance is coming.”

 

“In this traffic who knows how long that could take.”

 

“Don’t think that way, Rae.” Clarke snapped.  It was true.  It probably would take a while but the blonde wouldn’t think of that right now.  She focused again on the girl directly in front of her and she was surprised to see that Anya was now looking at her.  She was terrified.

 

“I’m gonna get you out, ok? Just focus on breathing.”

 

“Mmm. Mmm.” Anya croaked. “My. P-parents.”

 

Clarke felt tears stinging her eyes.  Blood began spilling out the corner of the older girl’s mouth when she tried to speak.  Clarke simply nodded her head as she went to check on them.  Her dad was closest so Clarke moved to the passenger seat and stuck her arm through the broken glass to place her fingers on the man’s neck…No pulse.   She stuck her fingers under his nose then to see if he was breathing.  But nothing.  The blonde then scanned over his entire body.  There wasn’t really any blood or bruising from his shoulders up, but below that…there was so much, Clarke knew he probably died almost immediately after impact.

 

“It’ll be ok, Anya.” Clarke said, not wanting to panic the girl.  Any kind of stress could make any of her symptoms flair up. So while what she said wasn’t a lie, because she would eventually be able to move forward, it wasn’t completely the truth either.  The blonde ran over to the driver’s side of the back seat to check on Jenna.  She was clearly breathing based on the rise and fall of her chest.  Her left arm was messed up pretty bad and she had a lot of blood coming out of a cut on the side her head. 

 

“Jenna.  Jenna can you hear me?” Clarke called out.  The woman’s breathing became slightly quicker, so Clarke called out to her again. “Jenna, if you can hear me please don’t move.  You were in an accident.”

 

A yelp bubbled out of the woman’s throat then and she tried to force her swollen eyes open and look around.

 

“No no no. Please don’t move, you could hurt yourself.” Clarke exclaimed.  But she didn’t seem to listen until Clarke figured out that she was looking for her daughter.

 

“Anya is right next to you.  I already checked on her.  She asked me to make sure you were ok.”

 

Jenna calmed and let her eyes close.  Tears fell down her cheeks, probably out of fear for her family and from the pain of her injuries.  The extent of which Clarke had no idea.  It seemed like it had been an hour already but in reality it had probably only been about 10 minutes.  Clarke herself was a mess.  The man that had been more warm to Lexa than her own father had just died.  She needed to call her gf to break the news of the accident and she didn’t know what she would tell her.

 

“Clarke?” Raven called out. “Clarke what’s going on?”

 

The blonde willed herself out of her thoughts so she could check on her friend.  She had saved Raven for last since she was fully conscious and seemed to be pretty mobile.  Clarke stood at the driver’s window and scanned the smaller girl.  She had bruises on her arm and a couple of small cuts from the free falling glass shards, but nothing seemed critical.  “How do you feel?  What hurts?”

 

Raven lifted her right arm and reached out of the car.  Clarke instinctively grabbed her friend’s hand.  She was happy someone was able to do something other than just groan.  Raven being able to move on her own this much gave her some hope.

 

“My back and my leg hurt so much.” She cried. “It hurts so much I just want you to cut it off.”

 

“Rae…”

 

“I’m serious.  I’d rather not have a leg if it’s going to feel like this.  Please, do something!”

 

Clarke thought for a moment before taking a chance with the door.  Luckily it just fell completely off when she pulled on it.  Her luck ran out though with the seatbelt.  It was jammed in place and clearly putting pressure on Raven’s hip.

 

“There’s a knife in the center console.  You can cut it off.”

 

Another stroke of luck.  The center console was in pristine condition.  Clarke found a bottle of water, a clean bandana, a giant multi screw driver thing, and finally the knife.  It was big and heavily serrated, nothing less expected from a grease monkey with anger issues.  The blonde was able to easily able to saw through the seatbelt and release the pressure from her friend’s leg.

 

“Oh…that feels better” She said with a sigh of relief. “How’s everyone else?”

 

Clarke looked down and shook her head.  “Jenna and Anya are breathing well…” she said just quietly enough for Raven to hear.

 

“And her dad?”

 

“He’s gone.” Clarke mouthed as she looked into her friend’s eyes.

 

“Fuck.” Raven breathed. 

 

All there was left to do was wait for the ambulance, everyone was stable to enough to hold on for just a few more minutes.  That was what Clarke thought until she heard relentless coughing.  She looked in the back seat and saw that it was Anya.  “Agh!” she screamed out.  One her hands tried moving to the place the pain was coming from but it was no use.  She was too weak.

 

“Anya, hold on!” Clarke yelled out.  When she got to the other side of the car the door, she discovered, was still jammed shut like it was before.  “Someone help me get this door off!” she yelled.  The man who had lectured her earlier appeared by her side and started yanking on the door with her.  Not even bothering with an ‘I told you so’.

 

Jenna, luckily was passed out at this point. There was only one distressed patient Clarke could handle at one time.

 

“Clarke.  Clarke, I have tools.  You can screw the hinges off.” Raven called from the front seat.

 

“I don’t know how to do that!”

 

“This is my car, I know it inside and out.  I can do it.”

 

“No you can’t.  You’re hurt.”

 

“It’s just my leg.  Hey, buddy.  You seem like a strong guy.  Can you carry me over there?”

 

“Yes, of course.” The man responded and ran immediately to Raven’s side.

 

“Rae, you might have internal injuries”

 

“I don’t care, Clarke!  I’m not going to sit here breathing fine while someone else needs help.”

 

The man had lifted raven bridal style, tools from her center console in hand, and ran her over to the door she needed to remove: she sat on the pavement as she as unable to stand.  Most of the door and been broken up from the impact and revealed a lot of the springs and screws needed to removed it.  The screws that weren’t bent, Raven was able to remove and with the aid of the mystery man who helped to forcefully remove a few of them all three of them were able to bend the door open so Clarke could get to Anya.   She wasn’t coughing anymore but was clearly having trouble with her breathing.

 

“Anya, can you tell me where it hurts?”

 

The girl opened her mouth but no sound came out. She was no longer able to speak. So she nodded her head ‘no’ as she continued to hyperventilate. 

 

“Ok that’s ok, just focus on your breathing.  I’m going to call out some body parts and you nod your head yes or no, ok?”

 

Anya nodded her head as Clarke took Raven’s knife and cut her seatbelt off.  She could see clearly, under the girl’s oversized jacked that a piece of the plastic from the door was lodged in the side of her stomach. 

 

“Is it your stomach?” she asked, sure that would be the source.  Anya shook her head no as her breathing became more labored.  Clarke rattled off more options until she asked if it was her chest.  Anya nodded yes and began coughing again.  This time, blood bubbling up from her throat.  So much so that she couldn’t breathe at all. 

 

“We need to take her out.” She commanded.  


“I thought we couldn’t move them?” the mystery man asked.

 

“There are a few exceptions.  One of them being, she’s about to drown in her own blood.  We have to lay her on her side.”

 

“Ok.” He responded and was quick to grab Anya from under her arms.

 

“We have to be careful not to jostle her too much. Let me grab her legs.”

 

The two young adults slowly moved Anya to the pavement and laid her on the side that was impaled.  She began to cough violently as her airway was cleared and she was able to take in a deep breath.  As soon as her lungs expanded, Anya cried out in pain again and her body slowly convulsed into the fetal position.  Clarke was lost: she didn’t know what else to do.  So she lifted the girl into her lap and did her best to hold her still.  But It was no use.  Anya used her last bit of strength to clutch to Clarke’s shirt and the younger girl held her a bit tighter in response.  She began coughing up more blood and buried her face into the blonde’s stomach: the stress of her writhing around made the wound on her side open more and the blood wouldn’t stop.  The blonde pressed a hand over the girl’s side to stop the bleeding and lightly patted the girl’s back. 

 

“You need to stop coughing.  I know that it’s hard and you’re in a lot of pain.  But if you’re going to survive this, you have to make yourself sit still for me.  Can you try to do that?”  the blonde cooed.  “I’m right here with you.  Now breathe slow, shallow breaths with me.”  The blonde breathed in and out slowly and loudly so the girl in her lap could hear and match the rhythm.  Anya was able to do so.  She calmed down and her body relaxed.  She looked up at Clarke with tears in her eyes. 

 

“Hey cornflake” Clarke said, mimicking Lexa.  “You gave us quite a scare.”

 

“I can’t feel my body.” She croaked out. “I can’t feel anything anymore.”

 

“That’s ok.  I just need you to keep breathing.”

 

“I don’t know if I can do that.  I think I’m about to go to sleep for a long time.”

 

“No no no.  Anya, please.  I need you to stay awake.” Clarke called out.  She could feel the blood still spilling from the girl’s side.  It was all over her hand: starting off warm and getting cold from the Los Angeles winter weather.  Clarke felt her own tears roll down her cheeks and watched them as they splashed atop the girl’s forehead.

 

“You’re getting your essence all over me, blondie.”  She said, mimicking Lexa as Clarke had just done.  Even in a situation like this, she was still able to be as snarky as ever.

 

“I’m sorry.  I just hate seeing you like this.”

 

“No matter what happens to me, can you tell Lexa-“  


“Don’t talk like that.  Whatever you want her to hear you can tell her yourself.”

 

“That’s a nice thought, but we both know that I’m not in the best shape.”

 

Clarke bowed her head and didn’t protest. If they were facing reality, it didn’t look good for her.

 

“Just take care of Lexa for me.  Make sure she doesn’t live her life in a box.  No matter what, you can’t let her be her mother.  She has dreams and she needs to live them.”

 

“I promise.” The blonde nodded. “I’ll always take care of her.  You have my word.”

 

“You have my word, too.” Raven chimed in from where she was sitting. “I’ll take care of her too…she’s my best friend.”

 

Anya smiled weakly as her hand fell from clutching Clarke’s shirt to the pavement.  Her head fell into Clarke’s stomach and it was as if the blonde could feel the life leave the girl’s body. 

 

“Anya.” She shook her once. “Anya!” Clarke called out again.  There was no response.  No pulse, no signs of breathing, no twitch of the muscle…her body was stiff and completely cold.  Clarke began screaming: as soon as the shrill sound escaped her throat the sound of sirens sounded out from the distance and soon enough they were surrounded by police officers and EMT’s.  The rest was a blur really.  She could hear the man that was helping them yelling and asking what took them so long to arrive and that they needed to respond better to a crisis.  After Clarke heard that they only received the call 10 minutes ago she went numb and blacked out.  All of that only happened in 10 minutes.  One man was able to completely destroy an entire family in 10 minutes.  And he was no doubt perfectly fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2 more chapters!


	22. The Emotion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Shadows fill my mind up  
> Zeroes tell me my time's up  
> I lost count so long ago; maybe my heart's numb  
> Don't hold my hands accountable; they're young and they're dumb
> 
> The emotion is suddenly out of me  
> The emotion is building up inside of me  
> And what you're looking for is suddenly out of reach  
> The emotion, the emotion"
> 
> \- Børns

"Clarke...Are you ok?" Raven sighed and rolled her eyes at herself. "Obviously you're not ok, it's just...You haven't said a word, not even when the police arrived." 

Clarke could hear her friend speaking and was capable of responding, but just chose not to.  She rode in the ambulance with Raven to the hospital and was now in the room with her, sitting in a corner.  Raven's leg was tied up to some contraption and it was visually obvious that she hated not being able to get close to Clarke.   Abby was nowhere to be seen, probably busy saving someone's life...something Clarke couldn't do.  She couldn't even buy time for the ambulance to get to everyone. 

A tear rolled down the blonde's cheek and she felt like kicking herself because she couldn't even be strong.  A family was broken today and there she was, not able to keep her own feelings in check.

"Where's my daughter?" An angry woman's voice sounded from the hall.  "Last name Reyes: where is she?"

As soon as the nurse told her "412" Indra burst into the room and ran to her daughter's side.  She timidly assessed the physical wellness of her child and sighed with relief at seeing that, besides the injured leg, the rest of her was fully functional.

"I'm ok.  I'm ok, I promise.  It's only my leg.  The doctors checked me out in the ambulance and when I got here."

"What happened? I just got a call from someone that said you were involved in a fatal accident and that I needed to come to the hospital. I didn't know if you were alive or...." the dark woman trailed off, her voice shaking. 

Raven took her mother's hand and squeezed tightly.  "I'm right here.  Nothing a little time and physical therapy can't fix, and I owe it all to Clarke." she said nodding in her friend's direction. "If she hadn't got to me when she did I could have lost mobility from the waist down...." 

As Indra turned she gasped lightly.  The blonde was completely covered in blood.  She looked both mortified and exhausted.   She walked over to where Clarke was sitting and kneeled in front of her.

"Clarke, honey, are you ok? Do you want to get cleaned up?" Indra asked softly.  When there was no response she asked "Is any of this blood yours?"

"She hasn't said anything since the ambulance got to us.  She's fine it was just...rough out there." 

"When the doctor told me the accident was fatal...there were other people in the car with you weren’t there? “The older woman asked as she faced her daughter.

Raven's face scrunched lightly as she felt tears roll down her cheek. "Yes.  Clarke tried to save everyone...she was so brave.  She was in her own car behind us and when that drunk driver hit us she was right there by our side instantly."

"A drunk driver?!" Indra growled. "Please tell me the police have the person responsible!" 

"They do, don't worry.  He got knocked out for a while and tried to run when he came to, but too many people were around and they held him until the cops could get there."

"I'm glad he's in custody...He needs to be held accountable for what he did."

"He will be."

Indra turned back to face Clarke and grabbed her hand slowly.

"Clarke, honey, is your mom here? Do you want me to find her?"

"No need, I'm right here." Abby entered the room looking grim. And seeing her daughter in her current state didn't help.  She rushed over, nearly knocking Indra over to start her examination. 

"She's ok." Raven announced. "Physically I mean: that's not her blood.  She's just in shock I think.  Hasn't said a word to anyone since the ambulance."

Abby sighed in relief and nodded her head.  Clarke was too young to be subjected to that.  And by the looks of her clothes she really was in deep.  No 17-year-old should have that kind of weight on her shoulders.

"If you couldn't get her to talk, I know two people who can."

"Who?" Raven asked.

"Well her father for sure, but I'll call him if my first theory doesn't pan out." 

Raven nodded in agreement. "I think they'll need each other." 

"I think so too.  I'm going to take Clarke to another room and get her cleaned up and into a pair of scrubs."

 "That's a good idea.  I would help but..." Rave gestured to her leg and shrugged her shoulders.

 "You get some rest.  Physical therapy will be harder than you think.  I'll come back to look at your scans a bit later." Abby said.

 "You don't have to do that, Abby. I'm sure you're busy." The 18-year-old responded.

 "Nonsense, my daughter would never forgive me if I didn't make sure her best friend was ok...as long as you're ok with it Indra." she added on the end. not that she needed consent, Raven was 18 now, but there was still the level of parental respect.

 "I'd love nothing more than the opinion of the most respected doctor in this hospital."

Abby smiled and held her daughter's hand.  She pulled on it a bit and Clarke mindlessly stood up and followed her mother out of the room.  Once they were in a private room Abby instructed Clarke to get out of her clothes as she went over to the sink to fill a pan with some warm soapy water.  When the blonde didn't move, Abby knew she'd have to just do everything herself and she didn't mind it at all.  But she decided first she should make a phone call.

 She pulled out her phone and called Lexa's number.  It went to voicemail so she called back again and there was no answer.  "Shit." Abby tapped her chin before deciding to call Elizabeth.  But to her surprise, Lexa answered the phone.

 "Um hey Lexa, I have some bad news.  There's been a bad car accident and I need you and your family to come to the hospital..."

 "An accident?" Lexa asked.  Abby could hear the confusion in her voice.

"There was a drunk driver on the road. Clarke was..."

 "I'll be right there." the teen said, cutting her off.  The phone line went dead and Abby hated that she didn't have enough time to tell the girl to drive safely.

 "Alright Clarke.  Lexa's coming.  Let's get you cleaned up before she gests here."

 "Lexa?" Clarke asked quietly. Her eyes flew open in a panic and she started looking around.  She finally found her mother’s eyes and it was like she woke up from nightmare.

 "Mom? Mom, where's Anya? We have to save her!"

 "Clarke..." Abby said sheepishly.  She put her hands on her daughter's shoulders only for them to be violently shrugged off.

 The blonde went to put her hands over her face but saw the blood caked between her fingers and beneath her nails.  A flash of the accident replayed in her mind.  Anya's father laying dead in the front seat, she could recall that his eyes were open.  Anya...the blood on her hands...it was hers. She looked down at herself and saw more on her shirt and began to shake.

 "Lexa...she doesn't know.  She's gonna hate me, I couldn't save her!" Clarke screamed, more hot tears ran down face as her body shook violently.  Her mother hugged her from behind and she felt even more out of control.

"No! No she has to be alive! Mom, you have to do something!"

 "I'm sorry, baby.  Anya was pronounced dead on the scene.  You did everything you could, but sometimes people just can't be saved.  You're human.  There's no reason to blame yourself."

 Clarke saw red then.  It was the first time she heard it out loud.  Anya is dead.  The blonde began to scream then, not saying any words.  Just screaming and struggling.  She felt like she needed to run but her mother was holding her back.  Clarke hunched her shoulders up, over, and down to try and break free.

 "Can I get some help in here?!" Abby yelled out.  Her daughter being an athlete made it exceedingly difficult to hold her still.  "Clarke! Clarke, I need you to calm down before you hurt yourself, please!" Abby yelled out, but her daughter couldn't hear her.  It was pointless.

 Clarke kept reliving the whole incident and couldn't stop screaming, shaking, struggling, or feeling the pain of loss and guilt in her gut.  Finally, she was able to break free but suddenly she felt weak.  Her consciousness slipped away from her and the last thing she remembered was hitting her head before falling to the ground.

* * *

 

\--

Elizabeth and Lexa got off the 4th floor elevator after being told where Dr. Griffin might be.  Someone had been yelling and screaming while they were at the nurse’s station asking where her girlfriend might be.

 "Lexa."

 The brunette turned around to see Raven laying in a bed with her leg in some kind of cast, suspended from the ceiling.  She rushed in to ask what happened and if she was ok but was cut off instantly.

 "Look I'm fine ok, it's just my leg."

 "Raven...what's going on? I know when you're hiding something."

 Raven shook her head as she remembered the events from a few hours ago.  She remembered the honking, the sound of the car engine getting louder, the feel of the initial impact, the feeling of her entire body completely shutting down as the car flipped over...she remembered waking up and not knowing if she were dead or alive until she felt excruciating pain from her head and progressively get worse as it reached her toes.

 "We wanted to surprise you." She said

"What? Surprise me?"

 "Yeah.  All of us thought you deserved something nice."

 "Raven...what do you mean by 'all of us'? Please just tell me what happened."

 Lexa assumed the worse but was holding it together as best she can.  Clarke, Octavia, Nate, Monty...All of her friends she's made in the last year could be hurt.

 "Hey." Abby knocked on the door.  She had a cut above her eye. "Can I talk to you a minute? Your mom is out here too."   

 Raven sighed in relief.  She didn't think she could handle telling Lexa that the girl she thought of as a sister was dead.

 Abby stood before two very worried looking women and froze momentarily.  Telling a stranger that they lost someone was one thing but telling close friends that they lost two someone's was almost impossible.

 "I'm so sorry to tell you both this but...as you know Elizabeth there was going to be a belated surprise birthday party for Lexa."

 "Oh my god." The teenager exclaimed. "My friends would do that for me?"

 "They really wanted to but it was cut short by a drunk driver." Abby paused again. "Uh...Anya came to town to surprise you as well.  She told you that she would be here Saturday to throw you off.  Raven picked her up from the airport and both of her parents were in the car."

 Elizabeth grabbed Lexa's hand and her voice quivered as she asked. "Are they?..."

 "The driver hit the passenger side and Eric was killed on impact."

 Lexa dropped her head and nodded.  "I see Raven is ok, just a leg injury.  What about the others?"

 "Anya...is uh..."

 The brunette shook her head as tears stung her eyes. "Just say it!" She commanded.

 "She died shortly after impact."

 "And Jenna?" Elizabeth asked. "Is she gone too?"

 "No. No she's stable for now.  I just operated on her.  Would you like to see her? Since her husband is...well you know. You're her secondary contact."

 Elizabeth looked shocked at this news and agreed she wanted to see her immediately.

 "Where's Clarke?  Did I lose her too?"

 "Lexa, no.  Clarke was in her own car and she saw the whole thing happen.  She actually tried to save Anya... Raven told me she died in her arms."

 The brunette let her tears fall now and nodded. "is she here?  I'd really like to see her."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so I lied, there's 3 more chapters (including this one) so NOW there's only 2 left lol.


	23. A Match Into Water

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I kissed the scars on her skin  
> I still think you're beautiful  
> And I don't ever wanna lose my best friend.  
> I screamed out, "God, you vulture (you vulture),  
> Bring her back or take me with her."
> 
> Tear it down, break the barricade  
> I want to see what sound it makes  
> I hate this flavor with a passion and I fucking hate the aftertaste
> 
> How's it feel? Like i'm on fire.
> 
> Make me a promise here tonight, love like a tidal wave  
> Dreamless in early graves, I never want it to be this way  
> The chemicals will bring you home again  
> This is it, when it's done, we can say that,  
> When it's sudden death we fight back
> 
> Pretend like I don't entice you  
> I've seen you circling the sky above my head  
> You traitor
> 
> I will never be taken for granted again  
> Keep digging holes in the desert  
> Say a prayer for you
> 
> I know that you're in pain  
> But if we die at the same time does it still scare you?
> 
> We will bring the tidal wave  
> And nothing will remain
> 
> She's mine  
> You stay away from her  
> It's not her time.  
> 'Cause, baby, I'm the one  
> Who haunts her dreams at night,  
> Until she's satisfied."
> 
> \- Pierce the Veil

Elizabeth and Lexa got off the 4th floor elevator after being told where Dr. Griffin might be.  Someone had been yelling and screaming while they were at the nurse’s station asking where her girlfriend might be.

"Lexa." 

The brunette turned around to see Raven laying in a bed with her leg in some kind of cast, suspended from the ceiling.  She rushed in to ask what happened and if she was ok but was cut off instantly.

"Look I'm fine ok, it's just my leg."

"Raven...what's going on?"  Lexa could tell by the mortified look on her face that something more than an injured leg was plaguing her friend’s mind.  Especially since Abby felt it was so important she be here that she actually called Elizabeth.

 Raven shook her head as she remembered the events from a few hours ago.  She remembered the honking, the sound of the car engine getting louder, the feel of the initial impact, the feeling of her entire body completely shutting down as the car flipped over...she remembered waking up and not knowing if she were dead or alive until she felt excruciating pain from her head and progressively get worse as it reached her toes.

"We wanted to surprise you." She said, voice quivering.

"What? Surprise me?"

"Yeah.  All of us thought you deserved something nice." 

"Raven...what do you mean by 'all of us'? Please just tell me what happened."

Lexa assumed the worse but was holding it together as best she could.  Clarke, Octavia, Nate, Monty...All of her friends she's made in the last year could be hurt.

"Hey." Abby knocked on the door.  She had a cut above her eye. "Can I talk to you a minute? Your mom is out here too."   

Raven sighed in relief.  She didn't think she could handle telling Lexa that the girl she thought of as a sister was dead.

Abby stood before two very worried looking women and froze momentarily.  Telling a stranger that they lost someone was one thing but telling close friends that they lost two someone's was almost impossible.

"I'm so sorry to tell you both this but...as you know, Elizabeth, there was going to be a belated surprise birthday party for Lexa."

"Oh." The teen said somberly.  That was the surprise. “I can’t believe they would do that for me.”

"They really wanted to… but it was, um.  Cut short by a drunk driver." Abby paused again and began picking at her cuticles nervously.  She could barely look the two women before her in the eyes but she had to, they deserved that much respect.

"Uh...Anya came to town to surprise you as well.  She told you that she would be here Saturday to throw you off.  Raven picked her up from the airport and both of her parents were in the car."

Elizabeth grabbed Lexa's hand and her voice quivered as she asked. "Are they?..."

"The driver hit the passenger side and Eric was killed on impact."

Lexa dropped her head and nodded.  "I see Raven is ok, just a leg injury.  What about the others?"

"Anya...is uh..." Abby dropped her head then and squeezed her eyes shut.

The brunette shook her head as tears stung her eyes. "Just say it!" She commanded through gritted teeth.

"She died shortly after impact. I’m sorry."

"And Jenna?" Elizabeth asked. "Is she gone too?"

"No. No, she's stable for now.  I just operated on her.  Would you like to see her? Since her husband and daughter...well you know. You're her tertiary contact.  She’s not awake yet, but it would be good for her to see her best friend when she wakes up."

Elizabeth looked a bit shocked that she was one of Jenna’s emergency contacts and agreed to wait as long as was necessary.

“Once she’s awake you can page me and I’ll tell her the news.”

“No.” the blonde insisted. “I should be the one to tell her, is there anything else I should know?”

“As far as her condition goes, she’s not completely out of the woods yet.  She’ll need more procedures.  She was on the driver side where the least amount of impact was but she had a lot of the damage when the vehicle hit the pavement when it flipped over, so she’s got a long road ahead of her.  When you go in I want you to be prepared.  The left side of her face doesn’t quite look the same as you’re accustomed.”

“Don’t worry, I won’t do anything to frustrate her or give her a bad reaction.”

Elizabeth wrapped her arm around her daughter and held her tightly.  It was meant to be reassuring.  To let her know that she wasn’t alone, because words couldn’t possibly do any good for her right now.

"Where's Clarke?  Did I lose her too?"

"Lexa, no.  Clarke was in her own car and she saw the whole thing happen.  She actually tried to save Anya... Raven told me she died in her arms."

The brunette nodded, keeping her face still.  Emotion wasn’t a possibility just yet because if she were to let anything go she’d completely fall apart and there was no guarantee she’d be able to pull herself back together again.   

"is she here?  I'd really like to see her."

* * *

 

 Clarke woke up feeling something warm and a little scratchy caressing her arm.  The scent of soap tickled her nose and as she started to gain some awareness she realized that someone was washing her arm with a subpar hospital wash cloth.  Her eyes still felt heavy and based on the slight soreness in her shoulder she’d been given a shot…a sedative.  Which she deserved based on the memory of her little episode.

“Mm.” the blonde groaned. “Mom?” Clarke’s eyes were slightly open and all she could see was brown hair. 

“No, baby.  It’s me.”

Hearing that voice made all the blood in her body move faster and her eyes opened instantly. “Lexa…I-I’m so sorry.  I’m so so sorry.” She said as she tried to sit up

“No. Don’t.” the brunette shook her head.  “Don’t do that.  Just lay down for me please.”

The blonde followed directions and eased herself back down in the bed.  Lexa continued to scrub her arm and Clarke noticed that she still had blood everywhere…Anya’s blood.

“Lex…do you know what happened?”

She nodded. “Your mom called.  Said you needed me.  When I got here she told me everything.”

“She shouldn’t have…I would have been fine.  You have better things to worry about.”

“No, I don’t…not anymore. You’re all I have left.”

“That’s not true.  You have Jenna.”

The brunette snorted and blinked back her tears.  “I’m not so sure about that.”

Clarke, if at all possible, shrunk even deeper into herself.  “What happened?”

* * *

 

 

“We had to sedate Clarke so she’ll be out for a couple of hours”

“What? Why?”

“After everything happened and she got here she wasn’t quite herself.  She didn’t know how she was going to face you, so she had a panic attack which developed into a bigger...uh, episode.”

Lexa hummed in acknowledgement and pointed to Abby’s face.  “Is that how you got that cut?

“Yup, she’s a feisty one.”

“Don’t I know it?” Lexa retorted back.  The light banter helped her feel something other than complete sorrow and she was thankful to be in the presence of someone she knew when she found out about all this.

“I ordered everyone to stay out of her room so there hasn’t been a chance to clean her up yet.  You two can see Jenna while I take care of that.”

“That’s ok.” Lexa said “I don’t mind if she’s a little dirty.  I just need to see that she’s ok.”

“Lexa, honey.  She’s covered in blood…it’s not hers.  Remember I told you she did what she could to save Anya.”

“And she died in her arms, I know that.  And I know that Clarke will blame herself. I’ll clean her up myself.”

“You don’t have to- “

“I want to.”

“Ok, if that’s what you want.  Follow me.”

They walked a ways down the hallway and stopped in front of a closed door that had the lights off inside and a ‘do not disturb’ sign plastered on the window.

“Sponges, soap, towels, and a bed pan are under the sink.  Use what you need and if anyone gives you trouble just send to me and I’ll take care of it.”

“Thank you, Abby.” Lexa threw her arms around the older woman and squeezed her tight.  She felt the embrace being returned and she let out a deep sigh before letting go and heading inside.  Abby let her know that Jenna was conveniently right next door before walking away with Elizabeth.

“She should wake up soon.” Abby said from the doorway of Jenna’s room.  Elizabeth was already standing over her sleeping form, gently caressing her hand.

“It’s ok to hold her hand and give it a squeeze.  Just make sure she doesn’t move too abruptly when she wakes up.”

30 minutes passed before there was a knock on the door and Lexa came in.

“Clarke will be asleep for a while.  I was talking to Abby about…everything.” The brunette shook her head. “I think I’m having a hard time believing that all of this is real.”

“Me too.” The blonde responded. “You should be here, with us. Not with her. I mean honestly, Alexandra it’s a bit insensitive.  That girl will be fine without you, you’re needed here.”

Lexa rolled her eyes in disbelief and tried (but failed) to keep her anger in check.

“My best friend is dead, mother! The girl that was my friend in school when I had no one else, who I could turn to because I could never talk to my own mother about anything! She gave me advice, let me cry on her shoulder, taught me to love and truly appreciate music, she helped me figure out who I am and she helped me realize that I can be whoever I want to be! And I can change my mind! She was my person.  She was my Jenna.  Can you imagine that? Losing her?” Lexa nodded to the older woman lying in the bed. “You got 40 years, I only got 18. Anya barely got 20! So, don’t you dare tell me how to cope with that!”

Elizabeth drooped her shoulders and took a deep breath.  She was horrible with words and didn’t articulate what she wanted to say well at all.  It seemed like any time she was trying to extend an olive branch it was just thrown in her face.

“Stop…yelling.”

Lexa and Elizabeth looked at each other curiously and gave an ‘it couldn’t be’ look at one another before looking to the bed between them.  Jenna was groaning and one of her eyes was sort of half open.  The other was swollen shut from the impact. You could see the holes in her skin from where glass shards had wedged in.  The normal confidence that radiated from her was completely gone.  Jenna looked so small.

“You guys are just going to stare at me and not talk?  That’s creepy.”

“Sorry.” Lexa said.  Her mother seemed to be loss for words. “How are you feeling?”

“Like I was sitting in the backseat of a car and got hit by a large vehicle.”

The brunette giggled and shrugged her shoulders. “Fair enough…do you remember anything?”

“Unfortunately…I just uh- I’m trying not to remember.” She hiccupped and immediately winced in pain.

“Honey, you can’t move.” Elizabeth said as she placed her hand gently on Jenna’s shoulder to hold her still. “You have a long recovery, you need to take it easy.”

“She speaks.” Jenna said sarcastically. “So…how do I look?”

“You know you always look beautiful.”

“Hmm. I don’t know, Lizzy.  Something tells me you’re just a little bit biased.”

Elizabeth smiled and moved her hand from Jenna’s shoulder to weave in her hair and rest on her cheek.  Jenna turned her head as best she could to kiss the blonde’s palm.

Lexa looked on incredulously as the two women interacted and seemed to have forgotten her presence completely.  It almost seemed like they were having an…intimate moment. 

“Uhh. Should I, um.” She pointed towards the door. “Should I leave you two alone? Or?”

“I’m sorry, would you mind?” Jenna asked.

Lexa blinked and shook her head.  Her comment was sarcastic and meant to just get their attention. “Oh-Ok.” She shuffled closer to the bed and bent down to leave a kiss on Jenna’s forehead. 

“I’ll be back in 20…is that ok? Or do you need longer?” 

“That should be fine sweetie.” Jenna responded

“Ok.” Lexa smiled. “Hey, um. I’m glad you’re ok.”

“Me too.  I love you, kiddo.”

“I love you, too.” The brunette smiled. “Now take care of my mother.  I’m sure she’s falling apart on the inside.”  That was the last thing she said before she took her leave and closed the door behind her.

“She’s not wrong.” Elizabeth spoke up. “I was worried sick about you.  I thought I’d lost you.”

“Hey.” Jenna said sternly “I’m here right now.”

Elizabeth nodded and prepared herself for the horrible news she’d have to unleash.

“Jenna…there’s something I need to tell you.”

“I already know, Lizzy.” She sniffled. “I was a little foggy during the accident but I was fully conscious.  I heard everything…I know everything that happened.”

“You do?”

“Of course.  Why else wouldn’t I have asked about my husband and daughter?”

“I’m so sorry, Jen. I wish- “

“No, don’t do that. I can’t fall apart.  I can’t fall apart until I figure out how to live in a world where my daughter doesn’t exist.” Jenna hiccupped and yelled in pain. “I don’t- I can’t- my baby girl is gone.” She cried.

“Shh Shh.” Elizabeth cooed.  She abandoned her heels and climbed into the small hospital bed as best she could to try and calm her. “I know. I’m here. It’s ok to fall apart.”

Jenna sobbed in Elizabeth’s arms for all of 5 minutes before her heart monitors started beeping like crazy and it was all so fast.  There were nurses and doctors flooding into the room while Elizabeth was being pushed out.  She watched from the window as someone cut a hole in her side and large amounts of blood spattered to the floor.  At some point Abby had rushed into the room and everything seemed to calm down once she took over.  It took 7 minutes, but Jenna was stabilized again. 

Abby came out and explained what happened and basically it all boiled down to just sitting and waiting to see if she would make it through the night. Oh, and let’s not forget the D.N.R.

 Do Not Resuscitate.

Meaning, the next time her monitors start beeping they’re just going to turn the machines off and make her comfortable until she dies.

“You can’t die!” Elizabeth yelled. “You can’t die on me! You can’t leave me! You’re my…” the word died on her lips. 

Jenna smiled. It reached up to her sick eyes. Her peaked skin glistened with sweat and her hair was dry and bloody. “I’m your what? I’m your best friend?”

Lizzy...Yes, Lizzy.  Because the tough exterior that is Elizabeth melted away and left only Lizzy.  Lizzy let a tear roll down her cheek and shook her head.

“No…You’re my everything.”

“Come here.” She reached her hand out.

“You can’t die!” Lizzy shouted again. “I need you!”

“Elizabeth Sawyer King!  Do not make me hold my arm up any longer than necessary!”

The blonde followed directions at the sound of her full name.  That’s how she knew Jenna meant business.

“I don’t want to die.  And I don’t want to leave you.  But if they keep trying to bring me back and they take me into surgery right now I probably won’t come back.”

“You don’t know that.  You should fight.”

“I’ve been fighting my whole life.  I fought for our son and we lost him. I fought for you and I lost you.  I fought to give my daughter her best chance and I lost her. I fought for a normal home life and I lost my husband.  I’ve lost everything in this life, Lizzy.”

“You could still- “

Lizzy was cut off by a cold finger to her lips. “There is no still.  It’s my time to go, I can feel it. I can go be with my daughter and my husband, they’re waiting for me.”

“What will I do?”

“You make it right with Lexa. You be the mother to her that we wanted to be to Aiden. And you find true love and happiness.”

“I already had true love.” Lizzy cried. “I…I love you, Jenna.  I’ve always loved you.”

“I know that. And I’ve always loved you, too.  I’m just glad you can finally say it out loud after all these years.  I mean it only took me being on my deathbed but it’s better late than never, right?”

“No… I was.” Lizzy breathed. “I _am_ lost.”

“That happens when you lose a child.”

“And your soul-mate.” The blonde added

“You were with Joe before I got married, Liz.” Jenna retorted angrily

“I was trying to cope with everything! And I didn’t know how to be with you at the time, you were so hurt.  I didn’t know what to do!”

“You were just supposed to be there! You promised me forever and you left me! Even after I begged you to stay.”

“I know.”

“And then you turned into this hypocritical catholic prude!”

“There is nothing wrong with having a little faith.”

“I completely agree! But it’s wrong when you twist it to fit your own fucked up agenda!”

“I needed it, ok?! It was the only logical thing I could make out of everything! Aiden was pure, he was beautiful, he was…perfect.  He was a perfect baby. So, sweet…he always slept through the night.”

“What does that have to do with who you turned into?”

“I have to believe that he is in a better place.  And I have to believe that Tris is in a better place. And I have to believe that Anya and Eric are in a better place. And you…I have to believe that you’ll be in a better place. I have to believe that if I’m good and follow the rules and reject sin that God will protect the ones I love.”

“Liz…”

“I can’t do this anymore! I can’t keep losing people! I don’t have anyone left.”

“That’s not true.  You have your daughter.”

“She hates me.” Lizzy sniffed and shook her head. “I’ve completely ruined my relationship with her.  You should have been her mother, she loves you more.”

“Sit.” Jenna patted the bed next to her. “Come sit next to me.”

Lizzy did as she was told and slumped on the tiny bed.

“Lexa loves you.   You need to find a happy medium between Lizzy King and Elizabeth Woods and you will be just fine.”

“How do I even approach the subject?”

“Just imagine what you wanted your parents to say to you. And then tell her the truth…about everything ok? You promise me?”

“You have to promise me something first.”

“Ok, what is it?”

“I need you to fight.  Fight for your life.”

“Liz…It’s my time.”

“If that’s the case then there’s nothing to lose. If you die on the table what was meant to be will be. But if you don’t…you get to live.”

Jenna’s tears pricked the corner of her eyes and they burned with guilt.  She was laid up alive and well talking to her best friend while her husband and daughter were no doubt within the walls of this hospital.  Unrecognizable, cold, and…and dead. Her chest convulsed and her breath shortened.  Her monitors started beeping radically and Elizabeth swooped down determined not to let it end this way.

The blonde placed her hands on either side of Jenna’s face and closed the distance between them..So close that their noses her almost touching.

“No! You will not go out this way. Your husband and your daughter loved you more than anything in this world and this is not what they would want for you.  They would want you to have a life, they would want you to live for them and you know it! Calm down…Calm down and breathe, Jenna.  You breathe.”

The words seemed to work because the machines went back to just making dull noises in the background.

“I just…how can I go on while they don’t get the chance to?” Jenna said.  She was still slightly out of breath.

“Then you need to live for them.  Do all the things they wanted to do.  I believe that they’ll always be with you…and if they are then all their dreams will come true.” Lizzy hadn’t moved from her spot.  She was still holding the older woman’s face and still so close she could feel warm metallic breath tickling her nose.

“Promise me that you will fight.” Lizzy said again.

“I will.” She nodded. “I promise. I’ll try.”

Lizzy let her eyes flick down to severely chapped and bruised lips. She wanted to. GOD she wanted to.  It had been so long for them and she’d been in a loveless marriage and she missed the taste of Jenna on her lips but Jenna had just lost so much and it would be completely wrong to-

Before the next thought could even enter her mind, those chapped but still somehow soft lips gently pressed into her own pink and moisturized ones.  Lizzy took only a half second just feeling it, reveling in it and committing it to memory before she did the right thing and pulled away.

“I’m sorry, but we can’t. You’re vulnerable right now and it would be easy to give into this but I have to work through some things and you need to grieve and fight for your life.” She laughed “It’s just…”

“Complicated.” Jenna finished.

“Yes.”

“What the actual fuck is going on?!”

Lizzy and Jenna looked up to see Lexa standing in the doorway. 

“Well this is awkward.” Jenna said brazenly. “Heyyyyy. Any chance you could just, ya know forget any of that?”

the brunette came all the way in then and started pacing manically. “Psh, wh. You. Ha! You want me to. F-forg hm. OH MY GOD!” the teen screamed. “I don’t even know what to think! Is this new?! Have you two been having an affair?! Um, mom. You’re gay?! Or bi? Or…what the fuck?”

“Lexa, dear.”

“What the fuck-what the fuck-what the fuck. I can’t deal with this. Nope no. I didn’t buy a ticket to the circus but apparently I was born into one.” Lexa muttered to herself. She stopped pacing and took a deep breath and released the tension in her body as best she could.  Relaxing forward and letting her fingers graze the floor before standing upright again.  Lexa collected her thoughts and was about to begin her slew of questions but was interrupted by a knock on the door.

Abby poked her head in and asked if it was a good time.  Jenna quickly ushered inside, obviously to try and avoid their current situation.

“Hey um.  So, the young man that was at the scene with Clarke wanted to pay his respects before he was on his way.  Is that ok?”

“Pay his respects?” Lizzy asked.

“Well he helped…tried to help, and just wanted to offer his condolences.”

“Jen? It’s up to you.” Lizzy shrugged.

“Yeah. Ok.  You can let him in.”

Abby stuck her head out the door and told the man to come into the room.  She left but chose to leave the door open since there was a stranger in the room.

“Um, Hi.” He said once he was standing before the three women.  He was tall with curly black hair and sincere gentle eyes. “I know this is a little awkward, but I just wanted to offer my condolences and apologize for not being able to do more.”

Lexa gave a tight lipped smile to the tall man and nodded her head. “Thank you, I’m Lexa.” She shook his hand and the other two women introduced themselves as well.

“It’s nice to meet you all” He continued. “Look, I just moved into the city. But I just opened up a shop with a few of my buddies downtown. I do custom made furniture.  If you ever need anything I’ll hook you up for a decent price.”

“Furniture?” Lexa asked skeptically.

“I know it’s not going to help anyone but I don’t really have much to offer.” He pulled a card out of his wallet and handed it to Lexa. 

“If you come down just ask for Aiden.  Aiden King.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So my computer got stolen! And I hadn't backed everything up in like a month so all that I wrote was gone! I had to buy a new one and then rewrite everything so it took way longer than I wanted, so I made it a bit longer than usual. I'm sorry for the wait but I hope it was worth it. 
> 
> Thoughts? Questions? Comments? Concerns?
> 
> One more chapter! Hit me up on tumblr chanandlerbong-world.tumblr.com easier for me to communicate on there :)
> 
> Also, I just discovered WayHaught like 3 weeks ago and i'm already trash on that ship. how come nobody told me?!


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